Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05


I am new here but hope to find an answer to my 'issue'.
I am married for a couple of years and we still have a great sex life, but I am crazy about panties. I would masturbate often using my wife's panties, but today I decided that is not enough. Today I am wearing one of her panties here at work. The great thing is, no-one knows about it and I feel SOOO great wearing it.
Problem is, I have often fantasized about wearing her panties, and then having a gorgous hunk of a guy removing it for me and then having great sex with me. I am not gay as I am crazy about a woman's body, so, I suppose I am Bi? Or am i weird - I do not know? Confused- yes, so please, what should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Bi-Confused and welcome to our forum.

I see that Tammycdtv has already responded - thanks Tammy :) - and that she's raised the issue of your possibly being transgender.

It seems that you have a strongly developed fetish - you attribute erotic and sexual significance to a non-sexual, inanimate object. In your instance, panties. You could be dependent on fantasies related to panties, or actual contact with panties, for sexual arousal or orgasm. Sometimes men with a panty fetish choose to wear panties themselves, which many would interpret as cross-dressing. (It sounds as if you don't often wear panties - and while you say it feels great you don't say whether it feels erotically stimulating or emotionally 'complete'.)

The above are not indicative of your being bisexual or gay - countless straight men are stimulated by women's panties and many straight men wear women's panties. However, your last paragraph refers to your fantasy of being related to as a woman by a straight guy, while you wear your panties. Many straight men have fantasies about being anally penetrated, and it is possible that your wearing panties makes it easier for you to psychologically 'access' these fantasies. Again, this does not necessarily mean that you're bisexual or gay. Being gay would require that you're both sexually and emotionally (or romantically) attracted to men, as opposed to women. Being bisexual would require that you're similarly attracted to both men and women.

I personally think there's a bit of a leap between sometimes wearing you wife's panties and exploring gender-reassignment surgery to become a woman. Call me old-fashioned... My guess - possibly conservative and based on information supplied by you - is that you're a straight man with a significant panty fetish and possibly cross-dressing tendencies. To be able to move beyond that would require far more information and in-depth assessment of your unique situation. That could require a process of exploration and discovery, possibly on the transgender forum here on Health24 or consulting a counsellor or sexologist.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Nikki | 2005/12/06

Hi Bi-confussed

Read your posting and responses with interest.

Let me just say to you that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, regardless of age. If you were to choose this road, I did make that choice at 44 BTW, it is a hard road in which you are going to have to be "selfish" in many regards. Yes not nice but believe me true.

Also remember, that you cant have your bread buttered both sides and if your wife should choose not to support you, you are going to have to accept that. Once you tell your wife, it is SAID and there is no retraction.

You can choose not to proceed and live as you are but remember too, that if you make that decision you cannot go around unhappy and depressed as that will rub off on those around you.

Like Tammy said, have a look at the Transgender Expert site and post there. Also join TG groups like tgsafrica and start talking to like minded ppl.

BTW, my road to transgender started with panties ........... !

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05

Hi Expert
Thanks so much for your response, and as I have said in one of my replies above, I do feel COMPLETE today. I feel so incredibly different. But on the other hand, i will weigh up all the advise posted her by both you and Tammy. Thanks you very much for a forum like this where us mortals can voice how we feel.
I'll be a frequent visitor here from today.

Reply to Bi-Confused
Posted by: Tammycdtv | 2005/12/05

Well - there aren't thousands. Maybe hundreds. :) It's not a common situation - but there certainly are others in your situation.

TGSAfrica is quite a "formal" web site - the girls (and guys - there are a few F2M TG folk there as well) discuss issues relating to the transgendered community, and sometimes I suspect it can be quite boring.

But sometimes we talk about doing our legs, and makeup, and the best wigs to buy, and where we can get clothes and stuff ... :D There are documents and files on the web site about buying womens' clothes and shoes, and how to speak like a woman, and all that stuff.

There is another web site (part of the TGSAfrica web site) for people who would like to get together with TG folk.

And it is a very good place to meet others in your situation.

hugs and kisses


Reply to Tammycdtv
Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05

Thanks for you honesty. Yes, maybe I should have had this realization 20 years ago, then things would have been different. However, I am goin to sign-up at the TGSAfrica group just to explore further.
Frightening though, there might be hundreds - even thousands - of people like You and I that came to this realization and then have to live with it for the rest of their lives unable to do anything about it. So, that means I might have to live for the rest of my life as a Man having the true ME trapped inside myself as a WOMAN.
I do not want to be Gay, so, I suppose that means that all that is left for me is to live my fantasies.

Reply to Bi-Confused
Posted by: Tammy | 2005/12/05

:) This isn't really the forum to discuss this. This is what the sex - change and transgender forum is for.

However :

No, I wouldn't have gender reassignment surgery (a "sex change") It costs about R 100 000 - and that's if you have it done in Thailand. There is only one hospital in South Africa that will do it (Pretoria Academic).

It's not just the surgery. Until you've had a bilateral orchidectomy (where they remove both your testicles) your testicles produce testosterone. An orchy (as the operation is called by TG folk) is normally the second last thing that a TG person will have done, because it is irreversable.

Before that, you would normally be on hormones for about 2 or 3 years, and live as a woman all the time. This is so that you can be psychologically prepared for the changes before anything permament happens. Then you would go for a breast op, if necessary, then the orchy and the reconstructive surgery to build a vagina. These last three can be (and sometimes are, especially the last two) done together.

The whole process of changing gender is called "transition", and someone who is doing it is said to be "transitioning".

As far as wives go : read what I am about to say very carefully, and think about it. Worldwide, some 80% of heterosexual relationships end when one of the partners opts for full transition. In other words, if you opt for transition, the odds are very good indeed that you and your wife will split up.

This is not hard to understand. You can imagine how a heterosexual man would feel if his wife came home, told him she was going to have a sex change, but that she wanted the relationship to continue, but with one small change - the wife would now fulfill the male sexual role, and she expected her husband to fuilfill the female sexual role ....

As you can imagine, these ideas generall do not go down well.



Reply to Tammy
Posted by: Tammy | 2005/12/05

Bi Confused and Also :

Also : you might not be transgendered. Transgenderism is, I think, the most difficult sexual identity to identify and realize (as in make real) in your life.

You might be gay. There are quite a few married men who are gay. Being transgendered is different from being gay - there are different issues involved, and it's very very complex.

So my advice is : don't rush to identify yourself with something or as something you may not be. Let your sexual identity come to you - you must recognize and realize who and what you are, rather than trying to be something you are not.

In the case of Bi-confused, the signs (to me, anyway) are quite clearly there. But simply because you enjoy or fantasize about being penetrated by a man does not neccisarily mean you are transgendered.


hugs and kisses


Reply to Tammy
Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05

WOW!! I am NOT alone in the world.
Have you considered a 'Gender Change'? You think it will be worthwhile? - You hear such a lot of stories about people stuck in limbo after such a change.
Does your wife know about how you feel?
I always loved the name ANGELIQUE - think I will call myself Angelique should I do this!

Reply to Bi-Confused
Posted by: Tammycdtv | 2005/12/05

I am married too.

And I'm a man, wanting to be a woman.

Or, to put it a LOT more accurately, I'm a woman. I just happen to have been born in the wrong body. With all that follows. Not just the sex - sex is part of it, to be sure, but by no means all of it or the most important part of it.

And from what you've said, you've come a long way in a few hours.

Another very good web site to go to is GenderDynamix dot co dot za

The lady (physical woman) who runs the web site is also the transgender expert on this web site.

You've got a lot ahead of you. And I warn you again : it's a tough road. But in a sense, all rebirths are tough.

hugs and kisses


Reply to Tammycdtv
Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05

Hi Tammy (Again)
Funny, I am 44 as well.
This morning I just had to get on to this site. I knew I would find an answer. Now I found a Question to ask myself. Do I want to be a woman?
I take it you are a woman wanting to be a man? Let me tell you: Today, walking around wearing these panties make me feel COMPLETE. I feel SEXY. How can a man feel sexy??? Actually, I would love to do this every day of my life! Gee, I think I am already answering the question myself! Yes, I WANT to be able to sexually fullfill a man, and yes, although I am thinking about it anally, I actually want more. I want to fullfill a TOTAL WOMANLY role - the way it is supposed to be.
Sorry about the questions, but how does a 6 feet tall man become a feminine Lady that would be able to attract a guy's attention? Will I be able to get wet down there if I become a woman? Gee, I feel so stupid. You are pointing me to this other site, but in the span of a morining you have already answered such a lot of my questions.
Now, another Question arises - I AM MARRIED! What now!

Reply to Bi-Confused
Posted by: Tammycdtv | 2005/12/05

Well - there are several clues here. From what you say, I suspect that you'rerrtansgendered. Don't worry about how old you are - it normally takes a long time to come to this realization, or to start questioning whether you are the right gender.

In other words, most of us are older. And becaise of that, many of us are in the situation where transitioning - changing out gender through surgery and hormones - it just not possible. I myself am 44, and am in this situation.

One clue is you saying that you would, in some future life, like to be born a woman. That means you have already doubted your gender identity.

Another clue is how you feel being "dressed". When a transgender person speaks about being dressed, s/he means that s/he is dressing the "proper" gender - in other words, the gender that they feel, rather than the gender society sees them as. The opposite of being dressed is being in "drab" - a play on the word "drag".

I feel the same way you do when I dress. I feel complete, I feel euphoric, I feel like this is how it should be.

No you aren't weird. Plenty of us have the very strong fantasy (when it comes to sex) of being the woman, of sexually fulfilling a man. It's part of who you are ...

Go to yahoo groups. Find the TGSAfrica group. Become a member.

That's where the SA Transgender people are on the web.

When the expert reads this, he can post the whole link


hugs and kisses

Welcome to the club


Reply to Tammycdtv
Posted by: Bi-Confused | 2005/12/05

Wow Tammy - That was quite an answer.
No, actually I have never thought about becoming a woman, although I have always said I want to be a woman in my next life:-).
I think I have been around for too long as a man to make the cross-over to become a woman. I tell you, wearing these panties actually make me feel so good and I have always wondered why us men must be satisfied with the 'UNSEXY' stuff.
However, I still have these thoughts about a man having sex with me and me being at the receiving end. I think the thought of how a man gets aroused seeing underwear on a body and the effect thereof on a guy is what turns me on. You know what, I want to be able to turn a guy on while wearing sexy inderwear, drive him over the top, and have him exploding inside me - just to feel what it is like. Am I weird????

Reply to Bi-Confused
Posted by: Tammy | 2005/12/05

Many straight men get very turned on by wearing womens' clothes, especially underwear. This is a very important thing to know : that straight men can and do fantastize about crossdressing and having sex with men.

However, the issue is not so much about the sex. It is about who and how you identify yourself sexually.

These questions take us into a grey area. And what it comes down to is "do you want to be a woman"?

If you don't that's OK. And if you do, that's also OK. :) As I have said OFTEN before, our sexuality is unique to ourselves as individuals. However, if you do want to be a woman, then you need to ask this question on the Transgender / Sex Change forum.

And I warn you : if you do want to be a woman, there is a long and difficult road ahead. But there are plenty of us out here who would be more than happy to help you.



Reply to Tammy

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