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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2005/07/29

Over-come by jealousy

Hi there CyberShrink!

I feel very confused by my present state of mind at the moment. I met this wonderful man and we've been seeing each other for 7 months now. He is a very good-looking, slightly younger guy and this is where the problem comes in.

I feel very anxious during the day while we are at work and wonder what he is getting up to while at work. He works in an environment where there are lots of people are, especially gay men. He is quite new to town and he is trying very hard to fit in and make friends.
He has been very up-front and honest with me and told me that he has been given telephone numbers which he has phoned to connect with these guys (but purely on a friendship level) He does tell them that he has a boyfriend at the onset so they know where he stands in his relationship.
But still I get very jealous, even though I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but it still freaks me out. Why do I feel so insecure about this? I know that the more I distrust him, the further I will push him away, but I just become so over-whelmed with jealousy and do some really irrational things, and don't think before I do them.
I'm a bit older than him, also a nice looking guy and have been through what he is going through now (ie. the attention from a lot of guys) and I know that the intentions of these guys is anything but honourable, let's be blunt and say they would like to sleep with him! He tells me that it is up to him how far these guys go with him and that he is only in it for the friendship and I should just trust him and stop pressuring him.
I do know that all that he has told me is the truth but yet I am still eaten away by jealousy. Please help

PS: I have posted this on the gay expert site aswell, because I need advice on a mental-level aswell as from a gay aspect, hope it's ok?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course it's OK. Hope I can measure up to the "mental-level "criterion ! As you surely know, in all types of relationships, excessive jealousy can break things down. Sounds like you may feel a bit insecure, fearing that one of these new admirers might lure him away from you ; also just ( it's an impulse many people feel, in many situations, especially as we grow older ) that one may want to protect a younger / less experienced person from going through some of the mistakes and pains you yourself went through earlier. If it seems that your degree of jealousy is unrealistic and troublesome, see a counsellor to work on that. Meanwhile, it doesn't sound as though he has given you any good reason not to trust him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: saw | 2005/07/29

u know what is right what is wrong, as u wrote in the letter. Its all these excuses, i know ... but but but, I just can't ...

no one can make u not jealous, but YOUSELF!!!

if u can't stop all these but and can't do this, can't do that, u will have no help, not the world greatest persuader will make u change ur mind.
Be aware, ur mind is much stronger than u thought, it could even make things comes true because u believe in it...

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