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Question
Posted by: N | 2007/03/31

Out of Options

Hi,

I really donno if this will help at all but I am out of options now and have totally over analised my situation to a point where i just feel like sleeping and never waking up again.

I met a guy quit some time ago and he told me right from the word go that he is a recovering drug addict so I believed him and thought well no use judging cause I am a recovering alocaholic myself and have been clean for bout 6 years now.

So i know what it is like recovering from addiction. However little did I know is trhat he is a compulsave lier as well and were lying to me from the get go, I have no idea how this happened but I ended up giving him a shot and we started dating, and that is just were the S&*^(t hit the fan. He started stealing from me little things that I only notice weeks later when it is too late to get anything back, he then hit the big time rob me blind the one night and disapeared with my stuff and went on a total drug binge with my money and my stuff. I am now in such financial trouble (for lack of a better word), that I have no idea how to get out of it. And the worst is he begged for my forgiveness and my help and like an idiot i agreed to help him and took him back, and low and behold turned into a co-dependant. I have no idea how this happened and how to get out of it. I have no money can hardly afford to pay the rent let alone see a shrink to help me analize this whole mess I am in.
To a point where I am soo depressed and turned into this whole other person I don't even like. I put years of friendships on the line for this man why don;t ask me. He is still there and everytime I tell him to get out I feel so damn quilty I just take him back again. I don;t know what to do anymore for the first time in my life I don;t have an answer to a problem and actually am considering ending it all.
I need help and donno how to get some, and where to go anymore. This is the only place where I can see a shrink probono LOL. Seriously can you help me tell me how to solve this problem?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I think a great deal of harm is caused by the mischievous modern belief that nobody must ever "judge" anyone else. We should avoid PREJUDICE, pre-judging someone, in which we make a whole bunch of assumptions about someone just because we hear that they're black, or white, or gay, or divorced, or whatever. But OF COURSE we ought to judge other people, in the sense of assess who they seem to be, and to check out how accurate our initial assessment proves to be. Human beings have spent many thousands of years developing acute and valuable skills at doing exactly that, and this essential human skill should not be abandoned just because of addled ideas about Political Correctness.
NOT to judge is at least as prejudiced and probably more dangerous. To assume that every child molester, rapist, corrupt official and thief is just a misunderstood darlling, and to provide them with easy opportunities to repeat their offenses is highly irresponsible.
If someone has been a drug addict, as in your example, it is wise to recognize that there is a significant risk that will last for years, that they will relapse into active addiction again. We don't assume that this is inevitable, as that would be unfair. But to assume or act as though this isn't a fairly likely potential is unfair to everyone concerned.
It is also essential to recognize that accurately assessing someone's risks and potential is valuable for them as well as for you, and essential if they are to be helped at all.
"Forgiving" is often dangerous and damaging to all. You should NOT "forgive" a drug addict who relapses and steals to support a habit they are lying about. And don't fall for the guy who is tearful because he is sorry for himself, rather than sorry for what he did and how he harmed others. Assisting them to recognize that they need proper help and pushing them towards accepting such help is fine --- enabling them to cotinue with their bad habits is NOT.
Do NOT, repeat NOT, allow yourself to feel guilty for what he has done. The mess is HIS responsibility, even if you unwittingly assisted by allowing him to create it. Have you family or friends you could go and stay with for some time ? If so, do so, and make it clear to your landlord that you take NO responsibuility for this guy whatsoever, and that if he hasn't left by the end of the month, the landlord should evict him. Tell the addict that you regret it that he was unable to come right and act honestly towards you, but you cannot possibly continue to carry his burdens. He needs to go out, look after himself, and get into a rehab program pronto.
Then start a fresh life for yourself, and check out some counselling facilities for you perhaps throuigh your nearest medical school, or state hospital / clinic, maybe POWA could help and advise, as his conduct has to a degree been abusive, too. Srt yourself free, and give him the only gift you can give him at this stage, and one essential thing he needs --- the absolute requirement that he take full responsibility for his own actions and choices.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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