Our expert says:
I think a great deal of harm is caused by the mischievous modern belief that nobody must ever "judge" anyone else. We should avoid PREJUDICE, pre-judging someone, in which we make a whole bunch of assumptions about someone just because we hear that they're black, or white, or gay, or divorced, or whatever. But OF COURSE we ought to judge other people, in the sense of assess who they seem to be, and to check out how accurate our initial assessment proves to be. Human beings have spent many thousands of years developing acute and valuable skills at doing exactly that, and this essential human skill should not be abandoned just because of addled ideas about Political Correctness.
NOT to judge is at least as prejudiced and probably more dangerous. To assume that every child molester, rapist, corrupt official and thief is just a misunderstood darlling, and to provide them with easy opportunities to repeat their offenses is highly irresponsible.
If someone has been a drug addict, as in your example, it is wise to recognize that there is a significant risk that will last for years, that they will relapse into active addiction again. We don't assume that this is inevitable, as that would be unfair. But to assume or act as though this isn't a fairly likely potential is unfair to everyone concerned.
It is also essential to recognize that accurately assessing someone's risks and potential is valuable for them as well as for you, and essential if they are to be helped at all.
"Forgiving" is often dangerous and damaging to all. You should NOT "forgive" a drug addict who relapses and steals to support a habit they are lying about. And don't fall for the guy who is tearful because he is sorry for himself, rather than sorry for what he did and how he harmed others. Assisting them to recognize that they need proper help and pushing them towards accepting such help is fine --- enabling them to cotinue with their bad habits is NOT.
Do NOT, repeat NOT, allow yourself to feel guilty for what he has done. The mess is HIS responsibility, even if you unwittingly assisted by allowing him to create it. Have you family or friends you could go and stay with for some time ? If so, do so, and make it clear to your landlord that you take NO responsibuility for this guy whatsoever, and that if he hasn't left by the end of the month, the landlord should evict him. Tell the addict that you regret it that he was unable to come right and act honestly towards you, but you cannot possibly continue to carry his burdens. He needs to go out, look after himself, and get into a rehab program pronto.
Then start a fresh life for yourself, and check out some counselling facilities for you perhaps throuigh your nearest medical school, or state hospital / clinic, maybe POWA could help and advise, as his conduct has to a degree been abusive, too. Srt yourself free, and give him the only gift you can give him at this stage, and one essential thing he needs --- the absolute requirement that he take full responsibility for his own actions and choices.
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