Posted by: Confused | 2009/03/23

Opinions needed - How do I let go?

I met a guy in May 2008. We hit it off immediately and started dating. After 3 months we decided to move in together. The week before I moved in with him, I found out (via his sister) that he had lived with his ex girlfriend in the same house. While this isn’ t an issue to me - the issue I had is that he' d lied to me about it. Anyway, I decided to forgive him for the lie, and I moved in anyway (end July) ... Then in September, he started acting strangely towards me and we started having niggling little fights. He had just started a major project at work which needed a lot of his time and money. He eventually said that he wasn’ t ready to live with me and wanted me to move out. I was obviously devastated, but I moved out. We took about a 2 week break from each other, but decided to try again, as we both still loved each other very much. Things were OK, I was very reluctant to let him into my heart again, things were alright with us, but they didn’ t feel the same as before. He was still under the financial pressure at work. We went on holiday together in December and it didn’ t go well at all. He was still stressed and we just got under each others feet. So much so that when we got back in January 09, I told him that it was over. He was very upset as he hadn’ t seen it coming. We didn’ t speak again, until he called me on Valentines Day... To tell me he loves me and misses me and wants me back. We started chatting again from then, and things have been positive and we have decided to try again. I spent last weekend with him and we chatted a lot and I feel really good about us.

That was until Thursday... when I found out, via facebook, that he slept with another girl (at the end of January). He assures me that it meant nothing and that he is committed to trying with me and loves me. He said he is devastated that he hurt me. He said that he was going to tell me, but wanted to have sometime with me first. He is not in contact with this girl and says that he did it purely because he was hurt that I had broke up with him. Now technically, he has done nothing wrong. We weren’ t together, it wasn’ t cheating. It obviously hurts me though. My mind is spinning and, like a typical woman, I now find myself wanting to know all the gory details. Which I know is going to drive my absolutely mad. And when we are together again physically, I am going to wonder if he did it like that with her / did they do this / did he do things with her that he hasn’ t / wont with me… 

While we were apart I was seeing a guy too, we kissed a handful of times. I told him about the other guy too, once I' d found out about him and her. He has said to me now that he is worried that I hurt him back (I have assured him that revenge is not my thing to do).

We were both single at the time, and weren’ t in contact with each other, so we haven’ t done anything ' wrong' . Can I forgive this guy? Can I forget? I know that he' d never cheat on me. I love this man deeply and he is the first person that I have seen myself " growing old"  with, starting a family with... I don’ t know what to do. I need opinions and advice. Please. I am hurting very badly.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Either give up and move on, or see a relationshop counsellor together to see if this can be repaired. You both seem to have been in too much of a hurry, and a bit desperate, and prone to avoidable drama

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Heloooo ! | 2009/03/23

Jeez girl where have you been all your life ? This guy is a jerk, pulling you around by the nose. Try to redeem some of your self respect and stick to your original plan, dump him !!

Reply to Heloooo !
Posted by: Confused | 2009/03/23

He said he was going to tell me, but who knows ~ its easy to say that once things are out in the open. I can see how me telling him might be seen as revenge - I honestly took it as an opportunity to tell the truth, so that there were no secrets between us. (At least it is off my chest now too, and I dont have to carry that around with me).
I am hoping that time will help, and that my mind will stop racing...

Thanks for your help :)

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Really | 2009/03/23


Sorry to hear that you found out by mistake... maybe he wasn' t intending to tell you... Yes you were confused, in the spirit of honesty, but by you telling him, it seems as though you wanted to hurt him back. That' s not how it should be in a relationship. Preventing heartache and pain from each other is what should constitute part of a relationship and that does not mean there will not be any ups and downs. Just know that it' s true " two wrong will never make a right" 

Give it time and seek some help.

Reply to Really
Posted by: Confused | 2009/03/23

Hi Really

I added him as a friend on fbook and saw some comments on his wall from her. I asked. He told me everything...
I told him about the other guy in the spirit of honesty...


Reply to Confused
Posted by: Really | 2009/03/23

That' s why what is in the past should remain in the past... if something happens when you are not with your partner, like before you met them or during the time you separated and were not taking a break,but actually out of the relationship, then that should stay there.

I don' t believe in secrets, but I also don' t believe in telling my partner what will hurt the relationship.. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT CHEATING HERE now, so don' t confuse the issue.

How did you findout about the other girl? Did you go looking for stuff about him on facebook and got what you were not expecting? What prompted you to tell him about the other guy? Was it really necessary or are you still incontact with the other guy? Stop hurting each other and seek some help, like CS advises.

Thinking about your man or woman and what they could have done can cause alot of pain and jealousy, even if you have to know about he ex that was long before you met... but hey, that' s life... so we begin to deal with it.

All the best.

Reply to Really
Posted by: lady nina | 2009/03/23

hi there

for 2 single people without baggage you have to much issues
the fact it you can' t trust the guy

without trust and honestly how can you feel safe enough in the relasionship to grow

i think you need to call it a day and find someone you can trust
next time take things slow - get to know the person as a friend with out sex and living together


Reply to lady nina

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