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Posted by: Very sad | 2007/05/28

One unhappy husband

Hi Doc
I am in a situation that I really do not know how to handle. I have been married for 13 years and been involved with my husband for 16 years. I have always thought we have a strong relationship. We seldom fight. Now the problem is when hubby is really angry with me he gives me the silence treatment. I have told him it is not healthy but that is his chosen way to deal with a situation. Anyway, on Saturday night 2 friends and I had a ladies night out at the Chippendales. We had such a good laugh and it was a wonderful evening. We then had photos taken with the Chips for mementos. In the photos I had my arms around a chip. I seen no harm in it – it was all for the fun of it. When I showed my husband the picture he freaked. He told me that I disgusted him and then clamed up. He has not spoken to me again. He took the children out yesterday and left me home alone (something he never does) and this morning when I asked him how long this is going to go on and that I meant no harm in a 30 second photo! He told me that it is always about me – as long as I am saw no harm then he must be wrong and an a**hole. Now I don’t know what to do. I was so happy and really enjoyed a long deserved break away from the children and hubby now I feel like something is dying inside. He won’t talk to me and I have nobody else to turn to for advise my family is all oversease.

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Our expert says:
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Its sad when someone uses the silent treatment in this way --- it may mean that he feels deeply about this but really doesn' know how to express himself, rather than this being necessarily a tactic. Of course he is over-rteacting, and should realize that if you had done anythin grubby, you'd hardly have come home and shown him pictures of what happened. Either wait for him to thaw out, or approach him directly and calmly, maybe even in a latter if he really refuses to speak or listen, and encourage him to join you in marriage counselling to sort this storm in a t-cup out !

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Our users say:
Posted by: rose | 2007/05/29

hi very sad,

perhaps it's the other way around. because it's more 'normal' for men to have boys nights/weekends that involve dancers/strippers, he never thought that you might be interested in doing something similar when he went to his parties.

what im trying to say is, and meant with 'other way around', that perhaps he thought, well he did it you should also be 'allowed to do it', but he never thought how he would really feel about it? and now that he saw the actual photo he realised that he's actually not so easy going about it.

in other words when he went to his parties, he was glad to have your blessing(good for him on the honesty), but perhaps he never thought about how he would feel if you did something remotely similar? (especially because it's less 'norm' for women to go to these kind of shows)

the things ive heard about what really happens in strip clubs made my jaw drop, as you say, it is not something to really compare with your show...but it is of same nature..

i dont think he is necessarily insecure, and i think he knew he couldnt really tell you he doesnt want you to go, but then his true feelings about it came out...

the damage his silent treatment could do is the bigger problem now, because you cant erase your weekend or his parties. you have to find a way to sort this out. perhaps write him a letter, to avoid interruption, emotions, fighting and missing the point?

all the best!

Reply to rose
Posted by: Very Sad | 2007/05/28

In case you all never read my previous posts I said no I would not mind him having pictures taken on a guys night out. I know and trust my husband explicitly that is why I can not understand his feelings. Yes I am also posessive but my husband has been for two guys nights out during our marriage that involved strippers (one was a rugby w-end to Durban). Did I get upset - no - I wasn't angry and I was pleased that for a few hours he could just be one of the guys. He could "let his hair down" He didn't have to be a dad or a husband - As long as he comes home to me at night with a clear conscience - and he can live with the choices he made I am comfortable with it. I know he would not cheat on me, he is too honest for that so why is he so angry with me? And Gee he is angry - not schizo - I very much doubt he would come for me with an axe.

Reply to Very Sad
Posted by: Gee | 2007/05/28

hahhhaa...
your hubby needs to lighten up... however I don't think the problem was your night out ... He is having issues and is not chosing to deal with them in a manner that will cause them to be solved... so I think he's banking a lot of anger and I'm afraid he might just take an axe to y'all...

Would you have an issue if he went to Teasers and took pics with the ho's?

Reply to Gee
Posted by: Dude | 2007/05/28

hey bitchez ...

dont full urself into the security that chips and gurls r different, they all take their kit off... u all think that cause its for girls and global its harmless, thing is u get ur knickers in a not at the slightest gesture of other feline trying to gang bang ur man...

double standards, and then u ok with him getting some gorgeous ti ts smothered in his face... thats cool... go to adult finder then... but if he doesn't want to share u and has restrained from younger pusssy it wud explain that his restraint came at a price and seein u with the guy makes him unhappy for all the young pussssy he turned down.

i dont get chicks... maybe guys shud just go for the best lookin ones cause they all full of shiiit.

Dude

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Megan | 2007/05/28

There is a difference between the Chippendales and strippers - Chippendales are a show that travel around the world and dance and entertain women, strippers are sluts that take off their clothes for men and do some really disgusting things sometimes - big difference - Chippendales don't show off their genitalia to the women at their shows, most strippers have not qualms about showing their private parts to their customers! They are women who have no self-respect so if a man came home with a photograph of a half-naked slut I would not blame his wife for being pissed off. We all know that strippers sometimes go the extra mile for a bit of extra cash - the Chippendales don't do that!! This lady went out for some innocent fun - it's not like she hired a man to come to her house she shake his naked booty for all to see! Those Chippendales are just a bunch of guys with nice bodies - nothing else - certainly nothing to be jealous and insecure about. We had a stripper at our house for my brother-in-laws bachelor party, yet I did not have a hissy fit 'cos my husband and 20 other men saw this naked woman (and she was naked - she left her g-string around my bil neck!!) The only thing that came to my mind was that there was a cheap tart in my house that took off her kit for a bunch of men who got a cheap thrill out of it!!! So you see there is a marked difference between a tarty stripper and a Chippendale.

Reply to Megan
Posted by: Very sad | 2007/05/28

Actually - I am not sure if you have ever been to a show like this but they don't strip butt naked and as I said previously if he came home with a photo of him with a proffessional dancing girl then I would not be concerned. In fact he went to a bachelor party quite a few years ago where there was a stripper and he kept her business card in his card holder. In fact it is still there. It never occured to me that I should be jealous, or concerned. This stripper is only a phone call away - the chips live thousands of miles away, do no private entertaining, see thousands of woman all the time and they are very proffessional. Very different from a small time local stripper I think........

Reply to Very sad
Posted by: Actually | 2007/05/28

I would do the same thing as your husband...Imagine if he came with a photo of himself with his arms around a gorgeous stripper.....

Reply to Actually
Posted by: Blondie.. | 2007/05/28

Well, if he was fine with you going to this show then obviously something else is bothering him. Maybe he just did not want to see you with these hot men.

If you want the silence to end then to apologise might help, but if you don't feel like you did anything wrong, then it's just gonna irritate the living daylights out of you if he brings it up again (if he's like that).

An issue is born, but it has to end with him. Talk to him, very nicely, ask him what exactly it is that is bothering him and what you can do to make it right. If he upset you, you would expect the same treatment not so? (even if he felt he did nothing wrong)

..and if he still doesn't want to talk then leave him be...

Reply to Blondie..
Posted by: 2beme | 2007/05/28

To very sad
It is very sad but it is purely insecurity.
Give him dr phils hours on TV and tell him he needs to grow up and he needs to "get life"".
I am not sure if the silent treatment is better than violence but both of them is difficult for the other person.
I really wish i could wave a wand and make it all better for you because i think all women feel for you and we know how it feels.

Reply to 2beme
Posted by: Very Sad | 2007/05/28

Hi ladies
Thanks for you advise. I really don't know how to handle the silent treatment. I can't ignore it it breaks me up inside.
Yes Blondie. He knows all about the Chippendales. He knew where I was going and we watched Noleens show which basically explained the show. If he told me he was going to an extravaganza with bare breasted woman-I would be 100% with that. Why can a person not appreciate a beautiful body? I was not going out looking for sex but to see a show which had very hot men who danced, sang and made me laugh - if there is anything wrong with that well perhaps I should appologize!

Reply to Very Sad
Posted by: elmar | 2007/05/28

i do the same with y wife. i have a bad temper and are trying to aviod saying the wrong things in my rage. i rather keep quite and give myself time to think about it. i normally act irrasionally and unfair as means for focusing on a meagre mistake to focus on something bigger that REALLY bothers me. i generally act stupid when i have pressure from work or financially. you are your husbands only real friend and he feels that how can he discuss threatening issues on the household with someone that acts childish. keep pampering and speaking to your husband, he will hear what you are saying anyway. he will eventually make up and tell you what is really bothering him. i can assure you it is not a faggot in underpants. that is the impression my friends have of these male strippers. why dont they take it all off?, because they all look like they have sharpei`s hanging from them due to drugs and steriods!

Reply to elmar
Posted by: Blondie.. | 2007/05/28

So you would be fine with it if he went out on a long deserved break and did the same - with hot, half naked women of course..

Did he know that this was gonna be what you would keep yourself busy with on your girls' night out?

If it bothers him, then don't do it. He is your husband afterall and your making him misrable. Apologize, you didn't know that it would upset him and tell him that it'll never happen again. That should break the silence.

Reply to Blondie..
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/28

He's being VERY silly but shame he's just a bit insecure..i dont think giving him attention and begging for 'forgiveness' is gonna get him back to his usual self again. You have nothing to be so sorry for and were just taking a well-deserved break..i say ignore HIM and get on with what you need to do..he'll come around soon enough. Its just senseless apologizing when you really didnt do anything wrong.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: RMC | 2007/05/28

seesh, he really needs to grow up. I have no interest in going to see the chips but if I had a photo op what is wrong with putting your arm aroung a famous person???

Is there any chance that perhaps he feels a bit insecure though at these young seemingly virile men and he is getting old and seeing himself as unsexy?

Reply to RMC
Posted by: Bee | 2007/05/28

It's awful when they treat you like that. My husband does it at times and he can sulk. Really childish. You did nothing wrong, He must grow up. Tell him that the Chips pose with millions of women and it means absolutely nothing and it's just a bit of fun. He sounds insecure.

Reply to Bee

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