Posted by: Lee | 2008/01/29

Old Girlfriends

my husband of 8 years still keeps his gilfriends in the background. when i found he was still in contact with the, he said it is nothing more than a few emails. i have recently found out that he has been phoning and smsing each other.. they also let each other know when it is safe to do it. when i confronted him about it he said that it is still just smses or emails... So why lie about it.. or why do it only when it is safe... how do i know if it is more ..or do i give him the benefit of the doubt...
why do men keep the old girlfriends around... especially after all these years...
is it still cheating even if sex is not involved...
please help
if anyone is in the same situation..please give advice

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Our expert says:
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I guess this is mainly an issue of etiquette and simple good manners. Keeping in touch with old friends, is generally fine, but keeping in such close contact with old GIRLFRIENDS, with whom there was a much closer and intimate form of relationship in the past, is potentially insulting to one's spouse. And if he feel he needs to keep it discrete or secret, and they discuss when it is "safe" to do so, that's more sinister. If you're convinced what you're doing is innocent, you hardly need to hide it. Mariage counselling, perhaps ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Callie | 2008/01/29

To me it is cheating, i am in a similar situation and excially feels fed-up and do not know what to do. We not married but bot divorcees, living together. He had someone some ten years back and they have a kid together they were not married. She keep on phoning when listing to there conversations it is not about the kid it's between them cause they do not mention her, that happen over weekends and he will call her, i confronted him about it but then he will say it is about the kid, my question why over weekends and not during week in morning or during course of the day, then he will say well she knows about me and now she can't take it that there is someone in his life but why does he call her also over weekends and sometimes delite the calls and sms's if there is nothing to hide or why even still friends cause when my ex calls purely cause of our kids he get angry even think that we are meeting somewhere if i want to go somewhere. S o for me it is not normal just do not know what to do or maybe do know but not ready to take that step.

Reply to Callie
Posted by: A | 2008/01/29

Why do you keep doubting yourself? You were betrayed. Full stop. That's all there is to it. How you handle feeling betrayed is up to you, not him. Has he apologised? Has he said he understands how you feel? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he's telling you to get over it. And that you're wondering whether he's right. Stand up for yourself and this marriage. Seems like he doesn't have much respect for you or the relationship.

Reply to A
Posted by: Lee | 2008/01/29

Thanks all
I believe it to be cheating too... CS what do you think... what constitutes cheating..does it have to be sex ... I feel betrayed...because he has been keeping secrets... if it is just sms's or emails i blowing things out of proportion
how long does it take before sms or emails become actual meetings or progress to a full blown affair.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Sg | 2008/01/29

This guy is cheating whether sex is involved or not.Don't accept it ! If it all that innocent then let him show you all the emails etc that he receives/sends.

Don't be used and ultimately made a fool of.Have aserious chat to him about this and tell him how you feel about it.If he truly loves you he would accept your feelings.

Reply to Sg
Posted by: A | 2008/01/29

I suppose everyone's opinion differes, but I see cheating as anything you do with another person that you should only be doing with your partner. Even if it's intimate conversations etc, I would still see it as betraying me. At the very least betraying my trust. And in a marriage surely trust is everything? if it's "just sms and emails" then why is he hiding it from you? Why didn't he tell you about it from the start? And if his answer is that you wouldn't understand, then his priority would be to sort it out with you first, not go ahead and do what he wants. That's not how marriage works. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that something personal/intimate/sexual/whatever is being communicated by them to necessitate warning sms's about when it's safe. If it were innocent hello, how are you's, then why bother going to the trouble to warn each other. Basically what I'm saying is, you're not stupid. Trust your gut here. Talk to him and don't allow him to bulldoze you into thinking you're wrong. Even if it was innocent, it was done on the sly and that in itself is not acceptable in a marriage.

Reply to A
Posted by: Lee | 2008/01/29

thanks for the reply
it seems that it is one in particular... I seen some of the messages.. mostly just to say "i am at home, dont sms"
which says they are delibrately hiding it

i am assuming by the ones i saw that he deleted the others
old girlfriends has been a bone of contention for a long time... only when i find clues then he admits contacting them... it is not like he keeps me updated.. i normally only comes out after a confrontation

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/29

Is he especially in contact with one of them (re: safe time) or does he have a few that he keeps contact with.  The emailing and sms-ing does not feel right, yet, he has not hidden the fact that he is still in contact with them?  What is the content of the emails and sms's.  Maybe you can judge whats going on by seeing what is being said.

Reply to Hope*

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