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Question
Posted by: Joe | 2004/10/15

Obsession about dying

Hi there

Im a good looking gay gay with a very good body but a very low self esteem. I never think that I am good enough for someone else. I do not have a problem being gay. It is just I have lost interest in Life - going to work wishing it was weekends. Tired of constantly worrying about my looks. Very scared of growing older alone.

I have met three guys who meant a lot to me. The first one was a drug addict - I almost ended up in an institution because i loved him (caught him with another guy in bed so high he coulnt even register) Guy nr 2 I met one weekend in Munich, Italian guy but he lived in London, busy dying from AIDS. Guy nr 3, successful, involved and want me as side love (he really need some good TLC - and I feel for him).

I am looking after my parents as well - they live on one pension. I am tired of being the responsible one (but I hate myself I will never tell them how I just want to run away)

I have this obsession lately to end it all. I dont want to take an overdose or anything that will indicate I took my life. As the money that I will then left for my parents will sustain them until they die.

I know I might be selfish but this decsision brought a calmness in me that I cannot explain.

Joe

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Our expert says:
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Surely, Joe, you need and deserve Counselling, to work out your priorities, underastand your feelings an plans for the future, and improve your self-esteem, so you can enjoy life better ? And it sounds very much as if you may have developed a significant Depression, which will respond well to proper treatment. Brenda's reply is important, re-read it carefully.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Joe | 2004/10/18

Hi All

Thank you for the encouraging words. I cannot explain the inner peace in me when I decided that I am going to end it. I cannot ask you to understand. And I asked God to be with me. He will understand.

It goes further than what I have told you. I am addicted to sex as well. A coping mechanism. And his made me hate myself even more. I went to a sexologist and you know what happened - he asked me to replay my fantasies for him. And he wanked along with me.

Im soooooo tired. Zeena, I know my purpose in life is to understand love between 2 human beings. I cannot, i dont know how. Being back at the energy force of life will be the only way.

You take care

Me

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Zeena | 2004/10/16

If you can, go for proper psychiatric counselling. You are in the same position as any woman wasting her time on the wrong guys. Your life on this earth means you have made a contract with that other dimension -- call it heaven if you like -- and this contract cannot be ended without it having deep repercussions. You are goodlooking -- that is more than most people have. Your parents probably adore you. How can you even think of causing them the pain that your suicide will cause? Having enough money will make no difference to their anguish. They'd rather have YOU and be poor.

You do seem depressed, and if you can get help to see more clearly, you'll see that there is still a wondrous world out there. There are decent gay men, so have patience and do not get attached to a guy too quickly. In fact, most of the gay guys I know are great people.

Some of us were simply born to bear responsibilities, and as we are on earth to learn lessons, BEAR THEM! I am also an eldest child, and I also often feel that too much responsibility rests on my shoulders.

Nobody promised you a rose garden. Get professional advice, and do not be too inward-looking. Do (small) good things for other people. Help a charity. Buy a street child some food. See if you can help your parents budget better, but you're probably doing that already. And be patient about finding real love.

Reply to Zeena
Posted by: Brenda | 2004/10/15

Dear Joe

Please do not do this! Believe me, we all go through stages of our lives (these stages may sometimes last for a long time) when we feel overwhelmed, unloved and desperately unhappy.

Firstly, there is no way you could end your life without it appearing to be a suicide. You are clearly a very loving person, looking after your parents, and even being concerned that should you take your life, you would not want to hurt your parents in any way. However, you are definitely going to inflict the greatest pain imaginable upon them should you take your life.

You are meeting the wrong guys. There are greater choices out there, I am sure. Be patient, until you do really meet Mr Right. Most of us, incidentally, drag ourselves off to work each day and long for the weekends!!! The best you can do is to either accept the fact that you hate your job, or start seriously hunting around for another job that would be more interesting.

You do sound very depressed. Have you spoken to a professional, or even just a trusted person in your life?? Depression can be cured. THE CURE IS NOT SUICIDE. Each of us has something to live for - death is too final and will eventually happen anyway, but until that day YOU HAVE TO LIVE.

You know you are good-looking so stop obsessing about this. Take a deep breath and make the decision to live. My heart goes out to you, but just around the corner, today, tomorrow or next year even - everything you are longing for could happen. Don't deprive yourself of that by ending it now.

Brenda

Reply to Brenda

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