Posted by: Confused | 2009/06/28

Not what I thought it would be ???

Me and my wife have been together for 6yearsand married for almost 2,We have a lovely16months old baby boy thats is truly the apple of my eye.

Things between me and my wife has been going downhill for about a year now.We even went to see a church Marriage counselour but things seems not to be getting better.

According to my wife the last 6 years were a living hell for her beacause of the way things were between us,The way i treated her and things that was said and how they were said.Now Im the fist person to admit that I didnt treat her the way I should,The reason why Im not sure,But I am trying to put things right,What happend to my wife over the years was that according to her was that she has lost all feeling for me and is basicly not in love with me any more,Even making love is a isue for her and she normally end up crying after.This is very traumatic for me and for her.And I am at a standstil as too what to do.

We have decided that we are going to work at it and our plan is for her to try and faall in love with me againand try and rekindle our love,I am still madly in love with this woman(And mother of my child)but this is very hard for me to get to grips with,I understand that I need to change for the better but Iam not sure on how to deal with this her no feeling towards me.She decided to go and sleep in my sons room from now on,Something to do with " Absence makes the heart grow fonder" 

What must I make of this ?I really do care for this woman and of course there is a kid involved,But I really dont know what to make of this.

Please help...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hello Confused,

following both your posts I want to ask you. What was the positive intention behind the way you treated your wife? You say your wife "worshiped" the grounds you were on...did you feel that you ought to be worshiped? It seems that there is deep rooted wound which leads a need to dismiss important people in your life...
Contrary to what many people may say. Loving someone is not hard. Love just is. You either love something or someone or you don't. The fact that it is mentioned that we have to work at it in a relationship is because we have to look at our pattern of communication and our "emotional intelligence". Your experience has brought you to become aware of a destructive pattern, and this is great. Only when we become aware can we change but you really should seek help to guide you in this newly found awareness.

Wishing you all the best.

Nadia - SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/07/14

I have the same situation where we can' t be happy for more a month.Each and evry month we fight and she brings stuff for abt 4 years back. She said she wants to go out of the house and the marriage, but she doesn' t have the guts to do it. We had 3 meetings with parents since last year, where she wanted to tell them that we should broke up but the parents didn' t want. The big problem is my kid from the previous relationship.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/07/10

she doesnt want divorce jst wanted u to feel the pain that u caused her.

pls dnt giveup.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Confuesed | 2009/07/07

Its a sad sad day today,We have come to the conclusion that our marriage just aint gonna work,She needs time to sort out her head,And I cant sleep in the same bed with a woman who has no feelings for me.So whe dicided today to call it quits and get divorced.

Last night I was feeling down again about our whole situation and things got really bad,She chooses to ignore everything and says that she doesnt know what to do about it and cant tell me how to act,I freaked out,Things were said and I nearly lost my sanity,So i think its better for both of us to go our seperate ways,I have already moved into my parents place till divorce is finalised.Its really hard to loose someone you realy love and care for but I just cant see it getting any better.

The problem now is that when I go to see my son there is alot of crying and sopping,I dont know how to hadle to this and she wants me to hold her &  to comfort her,Damm we just agreed to get divorced,She is really confusing me even more.

How should I handle this ???Please any advice will help.

Reply to Confuesed
Posted by: Confused. | 2009/07/02

This is one of the hardest things I had to do thus far in my life,To try and make you wife fall in love with you again,Only time will tell if the relationship will heal,But I do have strong hopes that everything will work out.I am gratefull for one that my wife is willing to try aswell and that one have God to lean on for strengh and direction.

We have decided to abscont from Sex for a while,To try and get the passion back,Like they say,Absence makes the heart grow stronger.This is not easy as my love for her has been more since our trouble started.And I can actually say I am starting to enjoy treating her the way she is supposed to be treated,

Only time will tell.Will keep you updated.Thanks for the support.

Reply to Confused.
Posted by: Heather | 2009/07/02

Thank you for your post Confused. It sounds so familiar. My husband also never had an affair or at least not yet... but I too loved him so much. I say love in the past tense as I dont know if I will " love"  him like that again. He also so many times took it for granted. I fought and fought so that he could appreciate me more until I realised I am his slave not his wife. I am only married for 4 years but I found myself two years ago. He can pick-up a other pattern but still would not try to fix what he damaged. I really admire you for doing what you are doing. Just keep going and all of the best!!!

Reply to Heather
Posted by: sad | 2009/07/01

Confused....I' m reading this and I cannot control my tears!! my partner of 20 years also treated me just like you did to your wife! took me for granted, I used to walk on egg shells, but loved him so much, I would do anything and everything for him and the last straw was he cheated on me! for a year I tried to work things out, even knowing about his affair,which eventually stopped, she left him, i stood by him, " took his hand"  sat down and even though he never apologised to me, I tried really hard, eventually i could not take it any longer, he said he loved me but I saw no effort from his side to respect me and make amends and left is now 6 months, he tells his friends he messed up and yet because of his ego, he has not tried to make amends.......I still love my husband, now even more!! you must understand that your wife to get to the point that she is at the moment must be so hurt, just like i did, i always felt I was worth nothing, but i stayed because i love him and always with the hope that things would change for the better!!
it is so noble of you and I admire you for wanting to work things out and admiting that you have contributed for the relationship going downhill...
PLEASE try to get her back, it is worth it!!! but I must also say, please deal with your attitude, it can really destroy something so beautiful, a relationship!!

Reply to sad
Posted by: Confused | 2009/06/29


I never cheated on her but just the way I treated her,The way I handled her and just a lack of not being there for her .This girl worshiped the ground I was walking on and I knew it,And very selfishly I thought that I can do and say what I please,Had to learn the hardway though.

We did however decide lastnight that we would try harder to make thing better between us,and to be there for one another.It aint going to be easy but atleast she is willing to give US another change,So i will take it.

I dont know your circumstances but what I can gather is that its hard for you to cope,Just like my wife.But trust me if he realy loves you and wants to spend the rest of his days with you,He will have to realize sooner than later that things have to change.Good luck.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Heather | 2009/06/29

I really admire a man coming to this site to talk about his feelings. That is something good and it makes one think that you are willing to try. I do however have just one question for you... what have you done to her? you had to do something very painful over a period of a long time. Please note I am not judging you or being nasty. I just am in the same boat with my hubby and I dont think that he realises the seriousness of this problem. He can sense that I am not the same anymore but because of his high self esteem he chooses to ignore it. He caused me tremendous pain and long suffereing that is why I am asking you. For a woman to admit that she does not feel the same, you guys must dig deeper and try your best. Have you watched the movie Fireproof. Depending on the circumstances, this movie might do something. It did not do much for me but I can think that it can help some couples. Esp the kind of men that are out there (not all hey) Good luck!

Reply to Heather

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