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Question
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/21

NOT SURE

We are a mature couple, I am white and he is a coloured man. He indicated that he liked me from the time that I met him. His ex cheated on him and left him a few times previously for extended periods but he always took her back. Eventually he divorced her. When I first met him I asked why he had got divorced and he said and still maintains that he does not know why she kept leaving. I only found out from his cousin what had transpired in his marriage. His sisters say he denies that she messed him around but the ex admitted to the sisters that she was having affairs. Now about us, we met and were just friends for a couple of years, we then courted for 4 months and got engaged. I moved in with him 6 months later. During a serious talk he once told me that he loved me but was not in love with me and also told me that if I were slimmer he could love me more. When I mention this now he tells me he was only joking. Things are just not right. He is a like a cat on a hot tin roof and is a different person if we happen to be in his ex’s company and his body language switches from me to her. He is a home body so never goes anywhere without me but he does drink and in excess (1 bottle of whiskey and a bottle or two of wine as weekend). I do come down on him when he drinks on his own at home. I don’t mind if we are at a party or dinner and he wants to let his hair down, but I do not enjoy him drinking until he is intoxicated on his own at home. He is never violent and is the kindest person I have met. When he is intoxicated he does become abit uppity with me but on the whole he treats me with respect and basically spoils me with little things like bringing me coffee in bed and taking my plate to the kitchen after dinner. He will tell me to drive carefully and such. Should I ask him of there is anything about myself that I can change or is making him irritated and causing him to drink, he will say that there is nothing. He is also very easy to get along with and apart from the drinking he is very agreeable. But we are not physical at all and as a matter of a fact he never even touches my body except to kiss me in the neck and on sometimes pecks me on my lips. I also find that he is not comfortable with me, to even undress in front of me. In an attempt to encourage intimacy, I have suggested that he join me in the bath, but he always declines. He never tells me he loves me unless I tell him first or I am driven to wanting out. He is definitely not a talker – he does not share about his previous life or he his childhood excpet for some basic stuff. If I ask him why he does not take his ex back he will say something like this “no I can’t, too much has happened” – if I ask him whether he loves his ex still, he will just shake his head – is it unreasonable for me to expect him to say “no I don’t love her, I love you and want to be with you”? When I ask him why he is with me he will say “we get on well” – if I ask him if he loves me he will say yes. Should I put his lack of contribution to this relationship to the fact that he is a typical male and not a talker or should I just admit what I suspect, that I am a substitute for his ex in the homemaker role but not as a lover? Please if there are people in the same predicament as I, could you shed some light on this for me. I don’t want to lose out if I am misconstruing the “signs” anything.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He may indeed have a drinking problem, and drinking alone is not a good sign. SOunds also like he still has problems arising from the troubled relationship with his ex, which he has not yet gotten over. He may be scared to let go and fully love anyone, after having been hurt before. Seeing a marriage counselor might be a really good idea for both of you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/22

Good luck Tish - I know things will work out for you ;-)

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/22

BTW, thanks for listening :-)

Reply to TISH
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/22

STRANGE - I am a little angry today. One thing that I find so amazing is that during our friendship I kept asking if he still loved her and in the beginning he would say yes and then towards the later part of our friendship he announced one day that he had moved on and was not in love with her anymore. I in the meantime, kept telling him what I did and did not want in my life and my two requirements were, no violence in any form and no drinking. These were the things that my first marriage was rife with - violence, mental, physical and sexual and alcohol abuse. I had been on my own for 10 years before we met and I worked through most of my issues but I did have an issue with trust. We got closer to a relationship and I resisted getting intimately involved with him because I not sure that he was over her. But he was adament and kept saying to me that he had definitely moved on, for sure, but he wished that I did not carry so much baggage" I did not see that my wishing for peace and no alcohol abuse could be construed as still carrying baggage. So about 3 months further on, I allowed things to develop. About the trust - well I trusted him implicitly but soon found out that he and an ex fling were still maintaining contact - they were chatting daily on MSN and she was calling him (on our house phone) and he was not telling her to butt out. He had also not even told her that we were engaged - reasons "she had been so hurt by their breakup and he did not want to cause her more hurt" So out of the window went my trust. But I have learned since, he never goes anywhere without me so I know that he is not cheating - straight to work and back and at home all the time, so of that I am positive. But all in all, here we sit and he is the soul carrying the baggage not me!! And you know what, I feel sorry for him right now and don’t wish him any ill. He is a good man, a kind man and he has been good to me in all other aspects. I have wanted for nothing


Reply to TISH
Posted by: Strange | 2007/05/21



I can almost feel your pain. You sound like a very loving person.

Please love yourself and do not jump from one bad relationship to the other. I do not blame you for being in this relationship when you have been hurting and someone shows you a bit of affection you open your heart. Next time only give your heart to someone who has no baggage. You deserve so much better. If you do not believe it right now, keep saying it to yourself and soon you will believe it.

I wish you all the best.

Please protect your heart as best as you can. I am single and have been for a year, I try to read as much as I can about relationships as I do not want to make the same mistakes I did in my past. I am not saying it will be plain sailing with the next guy but I will be more informed and prepared.

If you have kids direct your energy towards them. Who knows maybe they will introduce to the father of one of their friends who is nice and kind as you are.

( some people secretly want to try a different race, it has nothing to do with how they feel about that race)

This is from some one who has dated almost all races. I love them all the same way.

Reply to Strange
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/21

Buzz thanks I have taken to heart what you have said and I have decided today that I will tell him of my plans and while I am on leave in June I will make the big move. STRANGE your input is also valued but right now I just want out and do not want him to realise what he has lost. I don't want him to beg me to come back, just as I don't want to beg anyone to really love me or make to love with me. When you really get down to it - he loved her when she moved out and her loving someone else does not make him automatically stop loving her. If my assumptions are correct, one thing I am abit upset about is that he used me as a stepping stone. Its ok I have been through worse than this and I just want MY life back in MY hands.

Reply to TISH
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/21

Sorry Tish! It's just that there was a very similar posting last week (can't remember by who).

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/21

This is the first time that I have posted this on the forum. I came out of a very bad marriage years ago so I think his kindness to me just clouds the underlying issues and i keep hoping that what i am suspecting is just my imagination or my mind says maybe that is how a proper relationship is conducted

Reply to TISH
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/21

I remember your post from last week too. Your thinking worries me, i.e. "how can I change to make him stop drinking". Nothing you do will make him stop if he doesn't want to.

You are obviously unhappy and any person would be in your shoes. You don't have sex, he changes in the presence of his ex, he doesn't tell you he loves you (or says if you lose weight he'll love you), he drinks excessively.

What is keeping you with this man?

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: TISH | 2007/05/21

TISH Many thanks for your comment. I did mention the colour thing in the beginning as I wanted to sketch bigger picture to be more accurate. The colour thing is nothing for at all - I must admit though that while trying to figure this mystery I did touch on the colour thing and wonder if that is why he keeps me around - show his ex "look I can move on without you and with a white woman at that". I am apologising in advance if I have offended anyone by this comment, but I have been told and have read on this forum that some the coloured men do feel like it is a feet to be able to "bag" a white woman. One of my coloured colleagues asked me to tell him why I am so with drawn lately and I confided in him - he told me that I am a very attractive woman and that he can gaurantee me that many of his "brothers" would be happy to be with a white woman. This is not my opinion but it is an option of why he is like he is.

Reply to TISH
Posted by: strange | 2007/05/21

Do u think the fact that you not the same race has any bearing on his behavior..... Seems to be the first thing u mentioned? Reading the whole article there is nothing that shows race issues??

Any way, he is just not into you,
He is not sexually into it. He might love you but he is not in love with you. Maybe he is still not over the ex, so he might still time to heal.

If someone does not want to be intimate is a sure sign they will rather be some where else. Or they are not ready for that kind of intimacy, as it reminds them of the EX and he feels he will be moving on if he does something with you.

I suggest: you pack your little bags and GO! Maybe then he will realize what a catch you are/were and he will come running...

Good luck

Reply to strange

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