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Question
Posted by: The Stepdaughter | 2003/12/08

Not my mom, not the grandmother?

Dear Doc,

My father had an affair about 9 years ago and got divorced to my mom after a 22 year marriage. He is now married to the "affair" for 8 years. Since my marriage to my husband 3 years ago there has been increased pressure from my father's side for my husband to call my stepmother mom, which I have forbidden, because according to me, if my mom still lives, she is the mother-in-law and not my stepmother.

I am now also pregnant with our first child and it will be my parents first grandchild, and I am now again getting the feeling that my father expects that my stepmother be the grandmother of this child, and I cannot allow it, she is not my mom, she is not my husband's mom. I want to talk to my dad about it, but I am sure it will end up in one huge fight again, bringing up everything that went wrong the past eight years and how "wonderful" my stepmother is, which she is not and I have many reasons for saying so. She hates me and will do anything and say anything to make my father love me less, luckily she hasn’t succeeded yet, but she is getting there, she has two daughters and wants my father to except them as his own and neglect me........

How can I confront my dad about this grandmother situation without shooting anyone down?

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOur father is entitled to hope for a different relatonship between you, your husband and child, and his new wife ; but he isn't enitled to expect it, or to pressure you towards such a position. Now, your stepmother, though far short of the "wonderful" person he claims, but she might become usefully more "wonderful" if she was treated a little better. And I guess you folks will need to call her something ( other than "affair" !) And you can say: well, I already have a mother, my own mother, and she's the granny to our child ; and you have your own daughters --- what shall we call you ? How about Stepmom, and Stepgran ?" And if your dad objects, remind him that maybe he divorced your mother, but you didn't, and that it means no disrespect for his new wife not to call her by your mom's name.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Dee | 2003/12/08

Please don't give in to your father. It would not mean that you love him less if you don't like his wife. She's got nothing to do with your family and you only accept her because she's married to your father. If your father does give you greeve because of this you can know exactly where it come from and although your father might be blinded to her mistakes now he will one day realise how wrong he actually was.

Good luck.

Reply to Dee
Posted by: gasguy | 2003/12/08

your little one can only have one granny and thats your real MOM. sorry for Dad but he can not tell you to call his new wife anything but step mom. so you are right and truth is right and really there is only one right

Reply to gasguy
Posted by: Truth | 2003/12/08

l do not know how you are going to do it but l agree with everything you say. Stick to your guns and good luck with your baby.

Reply to Truth

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