Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2006/07/12

Not able to see Therapist

Hi CS,
Thanks again for the advise. I hope you are doing well.
I just wanted to say that the bf doesn't want me to see my psychologist, he reckons it costs too much and that he is turning me against him. It causes even more fights as he said the last time I went I came back different. I actually don't know what to do, I want to go back but know the bf will be a topic and then the bf picks up a fibe which causes another fight. Have been avoiding going, he also, that is the bf said's I don't need it, I am doing a lot better and am okay.
CS, I am not taking any meds at the moment and do feel okay, however when looking back over the past, I seem to have a bad patch every now and again, it goes well for a while and then I don't know, things just fall over. My friend told me the other day that she is worried about me because to her I seem to have given up, I just go through the motions and do what I have to do because I have to, I don't seem to enjoy anything. She is right to some degree because I don't feel happy and spend a lot of time fighting or crying. I hide my emotions from everyone, especially my children, I put on a brave face, they are my world, so for their sakes (in my warped mind) I am keeping them safe. The bf loves both my children, his and my ex's and will never do anything to harm them. My daughter seems to love him and trust him, she would rather ask him something than me. The baby is adorable, but I often feel apart from him, like it ain't real, this isn't my life, like I shouldn't be there.
As I type this, I realise the bf has quite a lot of control over me, I don't do anything if he does not approve, simply because I don't want to fight, but we still fight - no matter what I do, we end up fighting. He complains that I don't talk to him but when I do, it is wrong, he wants me to tell him how I feel, but when I do, he gets upset. He threatens constantly that he will leave me and when he gets cross, he bad mouths me, so much so that the neighbours have come to speak to me, they can hear him. He hasn't done this in a while because I have asked him nicely not to shout at me and that we need to control ourselves, but yet he still fights. He will tell me to f-off and if I do he wants to know why I am turning my back on him, why am I walking away, it is rather confusing. We try hard to sort matters out, although I often feel things are left unsaid, I don't want to cause a scene or upset him further. Then there are times I keep pushing and pushing, that is when he doesn't stop and he is hurting me emotionally, it drives me completely nuts that he can say he loves me one minute and the next call me names.
I don't know if I said anything, but I purchased a new vehicle the beginning of the year, a roundabout way to save money, I didn't earn a salary in January and couldn't make the installment, thus traded my car in and skipped the January payment. It is the first brandnew car I have ever bought, the bf kicked dents into it on the left hand side in one of our episodes, I was very upset but yet I am stil in this relationship.
Sorry if I am babbling CS.
Take Care

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
This sounds like yet another example of the bf trying to insulate you against everyone who might possibly disagree with him or his views, which can be rather sinister. Fighting or crying doesn't sound like a good choice, or a satisfactory way of life. And yes, far too much control of you, other than by you. I still don't hear, convincingly, what's good for YOu in this relationship

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Our users say:
Posted by: r | 2006/07/12

Dear bone tired....

no i'm not a shrink....rather a practical person...i worry that you seem to consider everyone else BUT are going through a continual cycle of ups and downs...because you allow it to a certain degree...the only way to create change in your relations...for the to implement changes, whether it be through action or thought initially...if you keeping a brave face especially for your children, then you are actually doing them an inservice...imagine how much you could benefit from a positive relationship, how much your family cold benefit from their mom, if their moms' mind is at peace...i "feel"' for you too, and we all might not have the same problems, but we can all identify with situations where we felt that we couldn't possibly take another thing going wrong.... just remember that you, we, all have so much to be grateful for, and if we want situations to be postive for our emotional, psychological and physical wellbeing, then one has to take the initiative for the better. good luck

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