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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2004/11/10

Normal Relationship Advice

Hi
I've been dating this amazing girl for the past 5 months after fighting for her and working at being together from friends for over a year. Things started to really go well and I was on top of the world as she made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread! The last 3 weeks we've been fighting about any stupid thing (usually me just being irritated and over reacting) which led to her saying it's not going to work. We've discussed the matter and decided not to just walk away, so we're back together.

I find myself feeling very unsure as to what's next or the next fight etc etc and are over sensitive to any comment that I feel might be negative. She's also very independant and still does her own thing. The big issue is that we work together and see each other once or twice after hours (time is a problem as we work long hours 6 days a week) and the stress from work is now affecting our relationship.

What's normal as I feel I'm the one working at this relationship , arranging for us to do things together to at least see her. Both of us have been single for a very long time and she's only had one previous relationship.

When we're together she's very affectionate and will spoil me with supper etc , but I need to make sure we get to see each other.

I just don't know what should worry me and what not. I tend to always see the negative in everything and got a problem in trusting people due to previous experiences.

We are also best friends and share everything, it's just that we lost a bit of touch over the last few weeks as we didn't get to see each other very often!

Any advice will be welcome !!

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wouldn't want it to seem as if I give automatic routine advice in situations like this, but surely the two of you should spend some of that scarece spare time together, seeing a relationship counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ) to work on efficiently sorting out the issues and stresses which have been troubling you, as it sounds otherwise as if you two may be potentially compatible and happy. You can carry on working on this together, as you have been, but the intervention of a counsellor, even for a few sessions, might make all this work much more rapidly productive.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2004/11/11

Thanks for all the advice! I think I want things to be too perfect too soon like if i love you, you must love me at that same moment just as much...

I'll take a step back and just chill a little bit and not want everything to be perfect all the time. We had a discussion tonight and she said she wants this relationship to work but need to be 100% independant and able to stand on her own feet. I'll just work at this a liitle bit slower and give her some rope.

Let's see waht happens! Everything worth while need some work and PATIENCE!

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/11

Hi C,

I agree with Rachel. Although 5 months does seem like a short time to become so serious, I have the feeling that you have been "wanting" this girl for a much longer time? Is this not the reason why you may be feeling so strongly for her, or are you maybe not unconciously engaging in "powerplay" to make certain that she stays with you? I ask this coz sometimes it does happen that we become "entrapped" within our own "wants" & kinda take our partners attitude/behaviour for granted, & maybe "expect" things to be in a certain way.

Whats normal? I think there is no real answer for that as long as you realise when you are "comfortable" in the relationship.

It also seems like you've been "working" hard to get her so maybe she kinda thinks that is how you are meant to be, so she indirectly doesn't seem to make an effort coz she kinda knows the effort will come from your side.

I can understand that working together may make things more difficult, but sometimes, our partners don't prefer this situation like we think they should. You also say she seems to be quite independant, so would it not be appropriate to refrain from testing her individuality to this effect? You say as well that she is rather affectionate when you guys are together, so why not concentrate on this aspect & resolve to take it slower? Don't push, or insist.

But also, please realise when you are only on the giving side as this would not be healthy situation & may lead to more frustration. Talk to her about your concerns. Seeing as she seems independant, try take it slower. I would suggest that maybe you try let her know, by your actions & attitude, that you are a person she can always depend on, but remember, for someone who wants to be independant, this is not easy.

Also, could I suggest that you be the person you are & give her a call instead of keeping up this non-communication. Rachel is right, if you're prepared to be patient, it does get easier. Try make her work situation a little more unpredictable in a way that she can't wait to see you after work... drop sly hints once in a while, & don't be over-attentive to her responses, take your time...

Good luck man.
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Rachel | 2004/11/11


I find that relationships are never 100% all the time. They are always up one week and maybe the next week they are not so cool. My point is if two people want to be together they get through those rough patches that we all have. I have them with my b/friend. We used to have such bad arguments over nothing really but as you grow in your relationship you get to know one another better.

You guys have not been together that long so you still questioning things about her. Is natural to feel this way. I think the more you dont see her the more you question her persona. Chill a bit because it does get easier...

Reply to Rachel

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