Posted by: Jen | 2007/08/09

No spark

Hi all
My partner and I have been together for 21 years. I really do love her, but the "spark" is not there anymore. Our sex life is okeyish i.e maybe 4 times a year!! What can I do to give the relationship a face lift?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi to you Jen and thanks for your post, which elicited lots of great suggestions....

Sometimes we don't need to address sex directly; we simply need a sprinkling of some good old romance.

Treating each other, making each other feel really special, desired and indulged, sharing some magic, cutting the world out and really focusing on each other, creating a sense of excitement and anticipation, reminding each other how much we really appreciate our relationship.... more magic, more affection, more surprises, more creativity, more effort to make our partner feel loved and desired, more sensuality as opposed to sexuality....

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jen | 2007/08/10

Thanks all !!!! I will take it to heart and start tonight!! Quite exciting !!! Feel almost like a school girl on her first date!!

Reply to Jen
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/08/10

Jen, Kirby

Time to put aside the ordinary everyday things you work through everyday and find the spark.

Nothing wrong with doing some trouble to make yourself look fabulous, have a makeover, change your hairstyle and get your partner to notice change.

After all these years you both know what you partners like, you should know what turns them on, us it, make them feel special by making yourselves feel special


Reply to Nikki
Posted by: NatureFreak | 2007/08/10

Hi Jen

Well, people usually seem to assume there must be something wrong with the relationship or deep down an issue is lingering or relationships are not about sex.....well a relationship does not equal sex, but sex is sure as hell PART of the relationship!!!! So, you are in a loving relationship and now you want to feel that special feeling more than 4 times a year!!!

So try one or two things…

Like buying some finger treats at Woolworths and eating it in a picnic set-up in the TV room (the TV switched-off off course) and chat about interesting things in life...NOT about the monthly levy or the pet food that’s almost finish or the room next door that needs a new paint coat or the stupid manager at work.

Life's issues and just the run of the mill things do catch up to us and we somehow think about it too much and not reward ourselves with some laugh time! Yeah, so this is perhaps not the start of an erotic night of passion, but it is a start....spending time with your partner, like in real time!!! Your partner will obviously not be at the same level as you are currently; she might be taken by surprise, so give her time to wind down as well. Start by making her feel special and then I am sure she will join in and make YOU feel special again!

Buy some strawberries and cream and eat it while sitting in a hot tub with your partner…candles all over….don’t watch the daily TV show and don’t do the dishes….even if it is just for one night!!!!

Somehow I believe that this would help to awaken both your senses and realize how much your partner actually intrigues you and why you love that person so much…. find that special thing you have for your girlfriend and at the same time make sure your girlfriend realizes what it is about you that she adores so much!!!

I suppose there are a lot of things that one can do…but the main thing is to lock out the world and spending time with the person you love and are passionate about and hopefully it will stir up the spice in the both of you!

Enjoy!!! ;-)

Reply to NatureFreak
Posted by: Jen | 2007/08/10

Hi Deeve
The problem is I AM in a comfort zone. Why not after 21 years. The problem is I want to feel special agian. (The spark) The thing is, we work together and is therefor 24/7 with each other. Has been for the last 15 years.

Reply to Jen
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/08/10

Hi There,
Sometimes I think this is why people have flings....don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating the thought...I think it happens because people thrive on the new attention(and can't be bothered to spend the time on whats happening at home?). Sadly, what really needs to happen, is a good sit down, and out with the good 'ol communication (I could whip up a whole list of things to spruce up the situation, but that wouldn't be addressing the cause...?). Its very easy to get into a comfort zone where your partner becomes more like a brother or sister, which works very well for Buddies ...but not good news for any relationship in the long run.
You do need have a serious talk about where you two currently are, and what you would like to change. Its seriously worth a try...only once you have all your's and her needs out on the table, and a dedicated renewal program on the cards, will there be any changes to the current.......and thats a fact! All relationships simmer down over time, which is perfectly normal, but if one's needs aren't being met, resentment does and will set in. I also believe that if the physical side is under wraps, it's often a lot easier to sweep most irratations under the carpet...if you get my drift!! Time to change your whole routine around, rejuvanate the mindset, and make time for each other...! Then you can haul out the list to get things when did you last go on a romantic picnic together...? Best of Luck

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Jen | 2007/08/10

Kirby and ???
Dont get me wrong! When we do make love it is fabulous!!!! What I mean by spark, the affection from the beginning is not there. I realise we are getting older, but I do need to feel that umf. We are so caught up in the daily things of life!!

Reply to Jen
Posted by: ?????? | 2007/08/09

a relationship involves more than sex. something must be keeping you together with your partner and i doubt that its sex. and you shouldnt call it sex. its called love making because you have to make love work. sacrafises for each other and so on. my partner would probably say the same as the two of you. but to me there is more to a relationship than just the physical

Reply to ??????
Posted by: Kirby | 2007/08/09

Jen, I do not know what to say as I am in the same boat. My g/fried and I has been involved for the last 25 yrs and we really love one another but my sex live is not that good, maybe 3 times a year if I am lucky. We even went on holiday for a week and nothing happend. I have discussed it many times with her but still nothing has improved. It is driving my crazy. Any advise ......

Reply to Kirby

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