Posted by: SS | 2008/10/08


Dear Dr.

Please help! I have been with my fiance for about 10 yrs we are getting married soon we have a 3yr old. I have no no no sex drive and he is totally obsessed with sex! literally when he talks about it I kringe! I dont want it have no desire for it nothing! he gets really upset with me and I know he loves me very much but I dont know what else to do? I just have no desire for it. I make up all kinds of excuses not to and at night I dont even want to talk to him I pretend I am sleeping so that i dont have to.

It bothers me becuase I do love him and when we do have it I kinda have to force myself to enjoy it. I have never really been interested in it, for me there are more important things in life than that. I am afraid that when we get married... he might leave me cause i dont think I will ever be able to change? I am under 30 and dont think my age has anything to do with it. I am not eve looking forward to the honeymoon? Please can you help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

There are a number of reasons for always having had a low sex drive, including natural variation between people, but in more severe cases it could be due to physiological factors, or even restrictive/negative learning about sex or sexual relationships such that sexuality is suppressed or ‘deprioritised’. Drive can also fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, and typically is higher in the first 6mnths-3yrs of a relationship (due to chemical/hormonal changes in this time). If you feel that he is obsessed, it is possible that your response is to shut down further due to feeling that you're always being the one to say 'no', or being a sexual object, or even being turned off by his unremitting advances.

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. It would be unreasonable for him to expect you to operate like him - perhaps try to explain to him in non-sexual terms (e.g. How would you feel if I always tried to make you eat with me if you weren't hungry but I was? Sometimes you might be able to, sometimes it might make you feel sick. This is similar to my sexual appetite).

There is no documented evidence ever of a man dying due to sexual frustration, so don't die in a ditch over saying no, he can handle it, but you might wish to choose to be sexual sometimes to meet some of his needs, and if you direct him to do things which please you, you might even notice desire emerges once you have become aroused.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: SCAR | 2008/10/09

I am a married woman and im 26 i love sex so much but my husband who is 29 does not,we havent had sex in +/- 6 months and now im thinking of getting it somewhere,he also think that there are other important things in a marriage than sex but i disagree,just tell what important things do you think are there in a marriage more than sex,sex is important lady and your husband is gonna cheat on you if you dont change,its frustrating not to have sex,especially when you sahre a bed with your partenr every night

Reply to SCAR
Posted by: SS | 2008/10/08

Hi all

Thank you for your responses... I am sure I am correct in asuming that you are all male? I understand that men need it and so do some women believe me. But I dont ... I cant help the way I feel and that is why I have posted on health 24... FOR HELP!

JJ... believe me I am not using him! I have a child with him and love him dearly... more than life itself.. please its not nice to say things like that. I am in a predicamint at this moment and need people to answer who can help me not insult me. I have never forced him to be with me, I satify him in everyother way possible except in the bedroom. Thanks though for taking the time to read this.

Reply to SS
Posted by: JJ | 2008/10/08

why are getting married then,if u do not need it. stop using him

Reply to JJ
Posted by: RP | 2008/10/08

Just do not get married to this guy, because this will end up in devorce. Sex is a very important componant, especialy for men. You are going to loose you man !!!!!!!!!

Reply to RP
Posted by: E.S. | 2008/10/08

Moet net nie trou nie. Dit gaan nie beter word nie. Nie voor jy uitvind wat nie probleem is, en dit hanteer nie. Met sy ondersteuning, natuurlik. Ek verstaan jou gevoel heeltemaal. My probleem is omdat ek onaangename seks in die verlede ervaar het, ek voel ek nie genoeg aandag en liefde deur die dag kry nie, en omdat ek nie goed voel oor myself nie, en ' n wrok het teen die feit dat mans net wil hê  en hê , en nie die moeite wil doen om ' n mens bietjie te pamperlang en vertroetel nie.
Ek voel vir jou. As jy dit kan bekostig, gaan sien ' n sielkundige, of gebruik eerder die woord terapeut of berader as jy dit met jou maat bespreek. Op jou eie gaan jy dit nie kan doen nie. Julle moet albei bewus wees van die probleem, en die oorsaak, en die " medisyne"  daarvoor.
Ek het te veel issues, en dink nie ek sal ooit ' n spontane, bevredigende seks-lewe hê  nie.
Ek hoop daar is meer lig vir jou. Sterkte.

Reply to E.S.
Posted by: broermag | 2008/10/08

lady try to seek profetional help before getting mrrd to de guy cas mrrge witout SEX rlly sucks...its up to you or will it be ok for the guy to look for sex outside your house????

Reply to broermag

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