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Question
Posted by: Hopeful | 2004/11/05

No oral sex from my wife due to a bad experience.................

CyberShrik, please give me some helpful advice.......... would be appreciated.

Here goes.

My wife and I have been married for just more than 3 years now. I love here dearly and she's a wonderful mom to our kids. Our sexual life is pretty healthy ….however there is one problem.
My wife refuses to give me oral sex. She has told me why, and I do understand. She had a “bad” experience when she was 13, I think, close friend of the family. I do give her oral sex and she loves it, but in a way, I somehow feel a bit as if she’s being “selfish”. I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

We’ve spoken about it and she also says that mind and souls she wouldn’t even know how to start, because it would make her feel like a “slut” even while she knows I’m her husband and would do nothing to hurt her.

What advice would you give me, should I be more patient or just put out of my mind and live with it for the rest of our lives?

If you recon that we should seek professional help, we’re at a place where there is no shrink close by. Maybe you could just give me some good advice for the time being.

Thanks so much
Hopeful

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You understand, of course, that after the ugly experience of abuse, it is the act itself that has so many unpleasant memories attached to it that it is truly unpleasant for your wife to even think about it at this stage. You understand that this is in no way selfish of her --- it was profoundly selfish on the part of the wicked man who did this to her. Fortunately, from what you say, the two of you still have a whole range of other ways in which to enjoy sex together, meanwhile.
It sounds as if your wife has continuing distress arising from her experience of child abuse, and she surely deserves to see a psychologist to work through this problem, so as to free herself from the unpleasant ways in which this has left her feeling about such experiences. This should be able to improve her quality of life considerably, and increase her potential happiness. And if she is freed from the nasty ideas about "sluttishness" that have become attached to oral sex from her abuser, that should have the added benefit that both of you could increase your repertoire of methods of achieving shared enjoyment.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tess | 2004/11/06

Hi again,

Just thought of something else. I always felt guilty about getting oral sex and not giving it. My husband is a very loving person and very caring and he never really pressured me. I would suggest that you talk to your wife with great sensitivity and ask her if she would be willing to read a book that discusses the fears and concerns people have about oral sex and take it from there. The books title is a little shocking and I know that introducing that to her may be difficult. Ultimately if she feels secure and loved in your relationship and you are sensitive about this issue she might be willing to at least read about it and you never know, some of her fears may be allayed. You are welcome to show her my letter. My motivation was that I loved my husband very much and I knew it was a way in which I could give him pleasure, I decided that it was his pleasure that would motivate me to do it and not my own prejudice that would stop me. At the end of the day it will be her decision and hopefully you love her enough to accept whatever she decides.

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Tess | 2004/11/06

Hi, hope you read this.

I had a similar experience when I was young and it also put me off oral sex for a long long time. Then a couple of months ago I was thinking about my problem and decided to buy a book online called "The Ultimate Guide to Felatio" from Kalahari.net. I know this sounds weird but the book is really well written and not at all gross. It helped me get over alot of my fears and phobias and it does help if you get some techniques to use. It also explains certain ways of handling the parts of oral sex that your wife may not want to do. Anyway I know it will be difficult to explain to her to buy the book, but oral sex can be really great between loving couples and is such a nice way to please each other. It is not at all slutty but a very intimate experience with someone you love. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Hopeful | 2004/11/05

Thanks very much for the speedy reply and comments made, much appreciated!!

Thx
Hopeful

Reply to Hopeful

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