Posted by: uhm | 2008/09/29

No drive at all

Please help me. I have no sex drive or feel any need for sex at all. My wife and I (lesbian couple) have been together now for almost 7 years and have had this problem for about a year now.

We started planning a family round about that time. The stress about that, long working and whatever else there is has just contributed. I am too tired to even think about sex. To top it off, I am very sensitive so tend to finish quickly - not that enjoyable and then she takes forever to finish which is frustrating.

All I know is that she is getting more upset every day. She thinks that I' m not attracted to her anymore and this is a cause of concern for me.

Oh, btw. We have a lesbian couple friends. Uhm, things got out of hand a few times where we went too far with too much alcohol.
Now my wife says that if I can do that, I can do it with her. But it is completely different.

Anyway.... is there something I can try to just get my head around it?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It sounds significant that you noticed a drop in your desire around the time you started planning a family... the other factors which may have been there before (e.g. tiredness, time taken to pleasure her). It is not uncommon that when one problem occurs, it can be a bit like a domino effect where other problems seem to either be exacerbated or created (e.g. talking about your interest in sexual play with the other couple).

Given the duration of your relationship, you have been doing well not to have noticed a drop in libido until last year, as couples frequently find that spontaneous desire declines after the first 'flush' of the new relationship (anything between 6mnths to 4 years)!

The fact that your desire dropped when trying to start a family needs further exploration - spend some important quiet time searching inwardly to check out what your concerns may be about this as these should be addressed before you are successful in achieving your goal!

I would recommend that you not only address any concerns you have about the family, but also help yourselves as a couple to maximise your sexual relationship - this means trying to address the tiredness factor (more quality time together, eg go to bed earlier so that your intimacy is not only when tired and you are frustrated with how long it takes her to reach orgasm). Date her again, get back in touch with what it was that you fell in love with, and focus on that, work to please her (in general - not just sexually) and help her to do the same for you so that you feel loved and appreciated. If there is room for further sexual exploration (e.g. use of sex toys/lubricants/fantasies), perhaps consider doing so.

Once you start playing as a team again, rather than as oponents (e.g. 'if you can do that (with them) then you can do it with (me)'), you may find a rejuvenated ability to drive your sexual response.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.