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Posted by: Johan | 2004/10/12

Nine and a half weeks -Confused 11649

Dear Confused Hope you read this, I'm posting it as a new one just in case.

Most of us knows what is right and wrong, but is seems to me those "lucky" few who through circumstances never travelled the road that you did, find it very easy to throw the book at you.

Not one of us can really help each other, we all try to be clever and give some advice, sometimes well meant, sometimes not.

To think that somewhere there are couples that are happy in the sense that they are friends, understand each other, AND STILL HAVE THE SEXUAL ATTRACTION for each other (lust) that you and this man has, that;s the ultimate! A lot of people are/were in this extra-marital affair situation, but once you marry this guy (hypothetically), the exitement levels drop dramaticaly, although you two will still be good in bed together, but the fact that you two are donig it in the amnner that you do- having a affair, makes it much more exiting lustfull than it would be in a stable relationship.... You don't mention the fact that you love him/have fallen in love with him/are emotionally involved, if this is the case, it is a hell of a plus point, because that would have made it 10 times more difficult to handle.

I think the problem is not that he is so good/the effect that he has on you, but the fact that it is missing from your and your husbands relationship. By that I mean is that if you don't see this guy, soon/maybe over a year there will be someone else who you might not know at this stage, who will have the same effect on you. (and your situation will carry on -someone else will be making you come alive in a manner that your husband cannot do). And the other thing - and not for a moment am I thinking that what you are saying about your reaction to his body is not true - but this just make the chances of you and your husband succeeding ever so more difficult: Because your husband can never compare/stand up against this relationship, which I say again, even if you two do click, it is so much more exiting because you are not married to him, it is not available 24 hours a day on your command. I am not expressing myself completely in the second language but hopefully you get the drift. If you don't let go of him, there is no chance that you can start focussing on your husband and forgetting how wonderful it was with this other oke, I know there are a lot of other stuff that will have to fall into place before it works between you and your husband, but for starters there is no chance that this will happen while this other oke is around to exite your body. It is a hell of a boring thing to do to have to focus on a man or woman in bed whose body we don't find as sexy as someone elses, but if you don't give it 100% chance and focus it won't work. Your husband can't exite you as an outsider does, because there is all this nice tension involved of a illegal afair etc. Part of all that you'll have to create in your own marriage. Your husband will have to be aware that his got to make the circumstances surrounding your lovemaking much more exiting/unpredictable.
PLEASE, not now or ever, let your husband find out about your affair, there are to much negatavities that will appear to mention, and for one, even if it doesn't break the two of you up, he'll always think he's competing against someone else, which he is, but he really does not want to know this. Between the two of you you'll have to re-focus, make everything mysterious end exiting, he'll have to learn to treat you in a manner that makes your body and mind react positevely towards you. Difficult to speake to him without putting stress/blame on him.

I don't know and I am not saying you are at fault in your marriage, we don't know, but if your husband treated you in a manner that you are (even subconsiously) negative towards him, your body will never react 100% towards him, others will take you to unbelievable orgasms because of the way that you ALLOW yourself to feel/react towards the. So, from your side, maybe you'kk have to open up and adjust your feelings to him. But you can't create magic on your own, your husband (poor guy being unaware what he is up against) will have to treat you in a romantic, special way all over and each moment of the day, it is a problem that he does not realise what is happening in his marriage and that he has a lot of work ahead to rectify mattres. Hopefully he is positive towards you and don't shrug your attempts at communication of. Because if he does not work hard at it as well everything I said become meaningless and he'll never have thye positive effect on your body which you long to make happen.

And of course this other guy won't make it easy for you, it's very nice for a man to know what reaction/hold he has on a lady and what wonderful things he does to her body, it's boosts his ego and make him feel good about himself. And how mant guys will pass such a nice lay by, not many. For him it was a bargain. And the stronger you get in cutting him off, the more desperate he will be to retain the hold he had on you.

Hell, this is a difficult one, its like the game of golf, the best thing about it is never to start it, because it is so difficult to get out of.

No wonder Mannetjies Roux once said it's lekker staying in the Karoo, there are no side-attractions for him or his wife that can spoil their marriage! But that does not mean that one of the partners can relax and not word hard at keeping the other one satisfied/happy.

There must be woman who walked this route (succesfully), a woman's prespective of how they refocussed and got the spark back will be much more helpfull than my opinion.

Lulu - Is jy trots op my?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sad | 2004/10/15

To Confused

My husband had an affair and this has been the most horrible experiende of my life. I will never be the same person again and this will be with me for the rest of my life. I do respect you for trying to make things better and for realising that it is not fair towards your husband. Please do not continue with this while you are married. Nobody deserves to be betrayed in this way. You already know what to do - just do it! You are not an animal and you do have principles and a brain. I hope you will do the right thing.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: Confused | 2004/10/12

Thank you Johan and CuteOne. I can tell you with all those nasty comments, I really felt like I had been Physically hit in the face. But the two of you saw the pain and the eagerness for help. I know what I did was wrong. I am trying to let go. It is as you say Johan. He is making it very hard, but I have my marraige at heart and am turning a deaf ear.

Lust I have come to understand as a very stubborn thing. It does not want to let go easily. I will get over it though. Sooner than later I hope.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: CuteOne -repost, just incase.... | 2004/10/12

I respect you 'confused' for attempting to deal with your problems. At least you're honest enough with yourself and the most important thing is that you have brought yourself to talk about it. You will find that the most judgemental ones are the ones keeping the most horrible skeletons in the cupboard and are putting up a facade when with other people. While am not for adultery, i suggest that yo make up your mind with regards to the situation before it get nasty and out of hand. Ultimately it will have to be either your hubby or the lover. Do it for yourself, you'll definitely feel much better afterwards. To all those who have called you names, what they're forgetting is that it takes one to see whatever it is what they're calling you. All the best!

Reply to CuteOne -repost, just incase....

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