Posted by: JM | 2006/07/13

Needs Help Urgently

Let me try to explain this. I am married a year now and madly in love with my wife. Due to my ex-wife cheating on me, i do have a problem believing my wife when she tells me she loves me and i have problems trusting her due to what happened before. Everything just becomes to much recently when i came upon my wifes diaries and couldnt resist reading them. I was shocked. She used to sleep with one guy after the other just for the thrill of a new guy and all the exitement of having sex with someone new all the time. Later in live, she met guys she loved but the relationships never lasted and she suffered a lot due to that as recorded in her diaries. Since that day, i questened the fact whether she really loves me because she dated very attractive men and i am not attractive and just an ordinary person. When having sex i cannot help but to think that she must be comparing me with her many previous lovers and this makes me sick. I also now understand her experience in bed and when she does something new in stead of me enjoying it just think of the other guys showing her all the tricks in the book. This must sounds very silly. Should i just forget her past and live in the present. I tried this but it seems impossible. I now even think of sleeping with prostitutes to get on the same level with her. Please give me advice because i cannot live my live with all this negative thoughts and just needs to be happy again

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Our expert says:
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As she is still with you, JM, rather than those other guys, and as she chose to marry you, you cannot be an "ordinary" man in her eyes, and she must have more feelings for you than she had for them. Forgetting her past would be useful, but may not be easy for you to achieve on your own. How about the two of you sharing some marriage counselling to sort things out better ? Sleeping with prostitutes, or anyone else, won';t remedy anything and is likely to ruin everything. I really doubt that its any lack on your part that is causing this remaining problem.

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Our users say:
Posted by: JM | 2006/07/14

Many thanks for the positive comments to all of you. I have decided to deal with these issues, get over it and just enjoy our relationship.

Reply to JM
Posted by: anon | 2006/07/13

My husband's ex also cheated on him and he is terribly jealous, almost to the point of paranoid at times. Don't think he will ever overcome his "distrust".....after 26 years he hasn't changed, even though I have never given him cause to distrust me.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Eyes | 2006/07/13

Firstly, JM, I suspect there might be a communication problem seeing as you took it upon yourself to read something very personal to your wife. In a way, your actions are hypocritical - you suspect your wife is being dishonest but you read her diary without her permission and that is not exactly honest.

Perhaps you should get out of this cycle or whatever mode you are in because you are now building a foundation of lies and deceit. Surely you and your wife shared things about your pasts? When you marry someone, don't you try to get to know them as best you can? Perhaps you should respect your wife for trusting you as she clearly did not hide her diary well enough.

Diaries often reflect how we were feeling at the time. Mabybe your wife was feeling those things but people evolve. She married YOU didn't she? If she was so unsure about you, why would she have vowed to spend the rest of her life with you?

I think you need to reevaluate the situation. You need to be secure enough in yourself to take this relationsip where it ought to be. You need to express your concerns to your wife - afterall, you are sharing your life with her.

It looks like you are beginning to resent your wife. How is sleeping with prostitutes going to make your life any better? To me, it sounds irrational, rebelious and immature. If you wanted to marry a virgin then that's what you should have done. Why does she have to measure up to these expectations all of a sudden? It's like saying that you want to marry someone who has never been in a relationship because you only want her to learn from her experiences with you.

Our experiences teach us things about ourselves. She did not plan on sleeping with these men because she knew that she was going to marry you. It just happened that way. Aren't you glad that you didn't have to teach her everything? That would be a parent's job, not a husband's.

It is important for you to communicate with her - these concerns will surface one way or another. Maybe you should consider going for counselling with her. And why compare yourself to other men? Surely you are confident enough to realise that this woman has chosen YOU to be her life partner. Enjoy it and explore it before you do something you regret and lose it all.

Why let your ego destroy your life? Just think about it. Will paying other women to have sex with you make you feel any more like a man?

Reply to Eyes

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