Posted by: VV | 2005/07/19

Need your Opinion Please

I am in a 3 month relationship with a divorced man. He has 2 kids with his x wife. He says he loves me dearly, but he must give up the greatest love of his life (me) to be a good dad to his kids. According to him he cannot be committed to me and at the same time be a good dad to his kids. I dont know where he's getting this from as millions of divorced people around the world manage to have happy second marriages and make the kids happy. His kids adore me. I think it's the x wife putting some guilt trip on him and manipulating him by telling him he's neglecting his kids, because she sees we are actually happy together and she wants him back, therefore she is using his kids to drive us apart. Any advise from you please, if feel so helpless as this woman knows him longer than i do and she knows exactly what buttons to push. Thanks.

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Our expert says:
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I don't quite understand his point, either. As a married man wihin a happy marriage, many men manage to dearly love their wife, AND be a good dad to their kids --- the two roles aren't at all incompatible. So why not in this situation, too ? it does sound like somone, maybe his ex, could be trying to induce a guilt in him which is inappropriate. Talk it through with him, and ask him to explain how these two roles, both of which he's obviously good at, could possibly be incompatible ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: WW | 2005/07/19

Or he could be putting his own self on a guilt trip. I remember when I got divorced, I felt I was not worthy of the affections of any single woman any longer as I had this "label" hanging over my head. Something which I never wanted in my life. I had my standards which I was very often hard & fast with. Like I wouldn't go out with a divorced woman because especially if she had kids, I kinda knew I wouldn't get along with them as I cannot get on with kids other than my own. Because I had these standards of mine, I couldn't ask/expect any different from a prospective female. Needless to say, when I did get involved with a single female, I felt unworthy of her attention/affection as I felt it was unfair of me to have these standards but expect the single woman to put up with my kids. Then I used to conveniently push them away.
Rather selfish I know, but at the time I felt I was being fair to the woman. I could not expect her to put up with what I myself refused to put up with...
Hope you understand this... what I'm trying to say is that maybe he needs to come out of this shell he's created for himself....

Reply to WW
Posted by: Joanne E | 2005/07/19

Arrange a few family outings - by that I mean him, you and the kiddywinks. Just things like a picnic, you can all romp in the park or something. I dont mean movies where you all sit and veg either - but active stuff. Take a weekend where he has the kids or something. look at their interests - like say one is into dinosaurs - go to the museum, for example.

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