Posted by: Patrice | 2004/12/20

Need your help

I've been going out for 4 months with a girl that I really love.We have been friends for two years.From the first time we went out together,I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.But I could not trust her 100%,I've tried though,but I think It's 1 because of my previous serious relationships & 2 because I know well her past (she told me that she was cheating on her ex boyfriend...& has explained to me why)

I broke up once with her over an arguement. I thought If we are gonna fight like that for the rest of our life,we might not be happy.She forgave me & I promissed not to ever break up with her again.

But last week-end we fought again & I thought (from what she was saying) that maybe she had enough,wanted to break up with me but couldn't tell me.I thought then breaking up with her now would hurt us less.So I did It again.

She came to see & we spoke about It. I told her why I did It.We even made love again.But the following day when I went to see her,she told me that she wasn't happy at all & that she felt like took away something from her.Also that she trusted me will all her heart & that now she feels insecure.She's also saying that I might do It again one day.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.How do I win her trust back??Have I lost her forever?Will she ever love me the way she did?I've messed It up,but I still love her & do trust her now with my life.Please,help me...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Patrice, Do check out the archives of this forum, as we've dscussed these issue so many tmes before, and you may well find the prior discussions useful, too.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Patrice | 2004/12/21

Thank you for your advises...

Reply to Patrice
Posted by: SS | 2004/12/20

This was one of the main reasons why I divorced my husband. Everytime we had a fight he would tell me he wants a divorce. And at the end - I was the one divorcing him! Apparently he never meant it but this made me feel very insecure in my marriage and finally I decided that I've had enough. If you really love her and you want it to work - never break up unless you mean it. It will only make her feel insecure and that could be the beginning of the end. I know what I'm talking about. If you want her back, take her out to dinner, treat her with respect and if you get her back and you fight again, try and listen to her and try to understand what makes her unhappy. Try and be considering to her needs and what she believes in. Maybe you could meet each other halfway.

Reply to SS
Posted by: sweetcakes | 2004/12/20

my boyfriend used to do the same to me... break up and then want me back... break up and then want me back, he did that about 5 times and eventually i got "over" him after the last time he broke up with me (well i thought i did)and i promised myself i would never ever go back to him... he wanted me back again and i said NO, i still loved him very much and i started dating another guy, he didn't add up to my ex boyfriend, we got back together a couple of months later and we are so happy now, we have both changed so much, it's unbelievable! we also used to argue alot, maybe you guys just need some time alone to think! or maybe she just needs some space!

Reply to sweetcakes
Posted by: Dizzy Des | 2004/12/20

Trust is a delicate and strange thing. It takes only suspicion to lose faith in someone.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that you can get her back, but what I can tell you is that there is hope if she really does love you. She doesn't want to give up on you. She just wants to know that she CAN trust you. Without trust there really is no relationship, and you need to repsect her for being honest enough to stand up and admit that this is a problem for her. Respect her feelings, but ask for a compromise. Ask her to consider a friendship with you and over time, she will grow to trust you again. Even by just suggesting this you are giving her the security of knowing that you are serious about this and you are going to give it your all.

Also explain to her that you did this merely because you love her so much and that in iteself, is a great start to a great relationship, and maybe not something she should throw away so quickly. Oppurtunities to meet the person of your dreams are few and you should hang on to them at all costs. Relationships are work and tell her that you are ready and more than willing to work hard for this. But also explain to her that you know that what you did was wrong. Tell her that you can see how wrong it was and that together, you can get past this.

However, I do think you need to seriously address your trust issues. It's one of the hardest disciplines to master but to have a relationship, it's something you MUST have. You need to trust this girl. Put your total faith in her. Because your actions tell me that you don't really trust her. Don't judge her on someone else's flaws and mistakes. Start this relationship with a clean slate. You have to give her at least that, or else how can you ask her for trust in return????? It wouldn't be fair.

All the best.....

Dizzy Des

Reply to Dizzy Des
Posted by: crystal | 2004/12/20

Patrice Patrice Patrice,

Take a deep breath and exhale....

Now, Im no expert but i have had a similar relationship except i was the one doing all the breaking up after an argument and do you know what...i havent been with that guy for 2 years now, i have met some1 else and i am very happy. After the first break up things were never the same.

I think your problem is communication, dont just break up because of an argument, speak it out - tell each other how you feel and what makes you unhappy then try to find solutions to your issues. As for her accusing you of taking something from her and bla bla takes two to make love hey. My point of view... she's the one who used you! how can you make love to some1 and then the next day kick that person out of your life.

i think you should stick her to a nice romantic meal (no strings attached) just show her how much you respect her - dont make any moves on her, just talk to her and ask her what she wants from you and tell her what you want from her. if she really doesnt feel the same for you then you cant force her my friend, she will just end up two timing you if you force her into this relationship.

I hope it helps.

Reply to crystal

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