Posted by: Guilty | 2007/08/10

Need to vent

Things are not well in my marraige and for the last year been trying to find the guts to leave. I have a friend who is in her second marraige and was also having problems. When I informed my husband that I wanted out, he went to her and another friend, he says to find out what he could do to save the marraige, but the first thing he asked them was if I was having an affair! My friend told me a couple of weeks later that he had been there and that she felt she had to tell me because she is my friend. I comfronted my husband and now.......... every time I voice my opinion, or get angry about something he does, he says it is her that is telling me what to say and do, it is her that is telling me to leave him!!! As if i'm a total idioit that can't think for myself!!! She has been a good friend to me in this difficult time and is always there for me and although she has given advice and shared her stories and experiences, I have never felt like I HAVE TO do what she tells me!!! He also informed me that, if I leave he will fight me for the kids!! This is a man who for 10yrs, was not involved in his kids lives. Only when I told him I want to leave did he start making an effort to spend time with them.
After all this argueing, the other night, I come to the conclusiopn that he thinks that I can't think for myself and that I am a incompetant mother (he will get custody because I won't be able to look after my kids). Half an hour later he wants to give me hugs and kisses and is now so nice. It's as if he knows he has "broken" me down (mentally which he sort of did) and now he is acting like my best friend!!!

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like BOTH of you have invited interference in your relationship by other people, whether or not those others are well-meaning. See a marriage counsellor together, so the advice is available to both of you, and so it's expert and objective. As your friend is apparently also in difficulties within her own marriage, she's hardly likely to be a source of excellent advice on how to solve your own marriage problems, is she ? See a counsellor together --- fix things if they can be fixed, and at least get into a position to make a wise and informed decision about whether to stay together after having given counselling a chance, and learn how the problem arose ( it took BOTH of you to create these problems ) so as to be better able to avoid them in future.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Irony | 2007/08/12

When he threatens again to fight you for the kids, tell him that he can have them. He can go search for a new home that will house them, do the cooking, cleaning, schooling, sport, home work, functions, friends, create a healthy environment, feed them nutritious meals, be a good example, pay all the little extras! You won't believe how quickly he will back down.

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Posted by: hope | 2007/08/11

As I read your post, I felt as if it was my own. I was in a relationship for eight years, two children, and he constantly belittled me, as if I couldn't think for myself. He told me he would fight me for the kids as well. When our problems got to the worst, his mother called me and asked me if I was having an affair. I was so angry by her acqusation. Like it couldn't be just because I couldn't stand him anylonger. Long story short. We split, I got the kids, and he has to pay me child support. he always said he would get them as I was unable to work to support them. The reason I didn't work was because I was an excellent mother, and I took care of my kids all the time. He was never around much when we were together. Leaving to run with his buddies and taking for granted that I would always be there with the kids and he had little involvement. It was at the end when he finally spent some time with them, and promising that he was going to change his ways. But it was all too little, too late for me. I have moved on, and the kids are with me, and he gets them one day a week. I think the number one hold a man has over a woman is threatening to take the children. But if they knew what that really involved, and how hard it was, they wouldn't say that. It is hard raising children on your own, but it is better than raising them in a loveless marriage, or what ever it might be. Good luck to you.

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