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Question
Posted by: N@S | 2004/02/20

Need to solve this puzzle

I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago because he changed into a different person and he chose drugs over me. He got into trouble at work because of the drugs and he has now stopped taking the stuff.(well, that is what i think). He blames me for getting him into at work (because I confided in someone that I thought I could trust) and she told the whole world about it and he got into trouble. But now he puts the entire blame on me. He said that he wants to work things out but he does not see it possible. I know that we both need some time apart so we can let go of the hurt and anger that we have for each other. Because I know that we will kill each other if we got back together now. But how long should the two of us wait beofre we can start over? What if we are away from each other for so long that we just don't wann be together anymore? What if the hurt never goes away? I really love this guy and I know that he loves me too. But how can we overcome this problem? I thought of counselling but I know that he won't go for it because he says that we are just engaged and not even married. I don't know what to do. The pain is getting easier but I am missing him so much and that is what is killing me. I don;t see him and I don't hear from him, so I don't know what to do. I know he is hurt and he is having problems at work because of this drug story and it is gonna take a long time before things at work will settle down. So he is reminded of this everyday. And because of this, our relationship is suffering. I am depressed and I just want him back. What do you advise?

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Our expert says:
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I wouldn't want him back. A guy who is foolish enough to get himself involved in drug problems, and doesn't get himself into a proper, comprehensive and lasting drug rehab amd treatment program, and who is immature enough to want to blame you, without taking responsibility for his own lousy decisions and their consequences, is BAD NEWS and likely to be a bad relationship partner. it souns like he's similarly been making stupid arguments to avoid counselling. This sounds like someone deeply in love with his drugs, and not with you. People like that have a relationship with their drugs, not with other people.
See a counsellor for yourself, to be able to get on with the rest of your life, and leave this loser to sort out things for himself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/02/20

N@s, do you really want him back? Do you really see yourself putting up with him and his drugs?

I think that you are doing the right thing staying away. Especially because he is not prepared to get help. HE is already blaming you for getting him into trouble. He makes his bed, he must sleep in it.

You need to get on with your life. Go out with friends and if after a while you still want to be with him it will have to be conditional. He will have to come clean. You cannot get married and start a family if he is going to be doping it up all the time. That marriage in any case will never last especially because (I assume) you do not do drugs.

I understand that it is hurting you not being together but you have broken the relationship because of his drugs.

Move on. You have a life ahead of you. The pain will heal.

All the best.

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