Posted by: John | 2004/11/06

Need Some Advice


I stay In Port Elizabeth, past couple of weeks I have been thinking things over trying to sort out myself for my future, i dont think i am old at all, only 25, decent job yet broke (arent most of us) and all my past relationships were bad ones (girls either cheating or telling lies or using me) by this i mean the past 15 or so girls in 5 years ..... of course there are one or two exceptions where it just didnt work out and neither party did anything wrong, call it fate.

My past is a big issue in my life, hard for me to just move on, my past i mean things i have seen in my family .... my father losing my mother coz of his (i think) finacial status among other things, mother meeting a new guy after a year or two, falling pregnant and had to marry, eldest sister marrying a guy, finding out it isnt what she wanted and going for one of his friends instead (who funny enough is well off in the money area), my second eldest sister getting a guy, falling pregnant and had to marry as well. my aunt met her husband and well pregnant and had to marry as well ..... see the pattern ?? i can ..... i feel my trust in woman is lower than rock buttom plus adding all those bad relationships ..... basically i'm pretty f*&%ed up when it comes to relationships now a days ..... meeting a girl .... think she is alright and then starting to think what if ..... what if she is like the rest .... what if ... what if ...... so many have told me .... "i am not like that" or .... "i wont hurt you" .... so now when I hear it, its like .... "yeah right, whatever, i heard that before" ...... i seriously need help but due to my money situation i cant actually afford to see a professional shrink ...... any ideas where i could see one ??? i would like to feel free of my past, not forget it coz i believe your past is what shapes you, free of "mean" thoughts that control my relationships ...... i would like help ..... i feel i cant do this alone and need help.

Let me know if there are any questions ..... i come on-line each night and will be checking in to see any replies.

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Yes, I do see the pattern, and understand why you'd prefer to avoid repeats of it. And why you'd want to learn a lot about contraception ! I agree that psychotherapy / counselling would be a good idea, likely to be helpful. In PE, though there's not a medical school as such, there is the University with an active Dept of Psychology, last time I looked. Any good Dept of Psychology which trains psychologists and counsellors, needs to balance the interests of traniees and clients, so they generally can provide a free or very low-cost counselling service through graduate students who would also be supervised by more senior staf, and this could be a useful option. Also check out what's available through the major state / provincial hospital in the way of psychiatry / psychology services. By the constitution they are supposed to provide good access, though know that province's Dept of Health has continued to have severe problems.
You're right that you need to free yourself from your past, or at least from your felings about it, and from the false and unhelpful conclusions you have drawn from it. You can learn from the past and are not doomed to repeat it ; and you sound as if you've reached 25 without following in any of the family's unfortunate traditions. But maybe you've become a little too cautious about the risks of relationships, to find one you can really enjoy and which can last ?
By the way, sorry for the delay in replying --- for most of Sunday, the Health24 server seems to have been down, and it's only just come back up.

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Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2004/11/07

Thank you for your advice, i will surely follow it up with the UPE and provincial hospital to see what they have available or to offer in those lines ...

I find myself more looking out for traps and signs of a cheating partner than I do spending the time to enjoy the relationship and thats no way to go into one or stay in one but even though I know its wrong i still do it as if i have no control over my thoughts and conclusions i make from these thoughts.

Thank you Again for your help, its much appreciated.
not to worry about the reply time, been busy myself on this wonderful Sunday :-)

Take Care

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