Posted by: Pondering | 2005/12/13

Need relationship advice

Hi there. I've been involved with this guy for almost 7months. On Thursday it will be the anniversary. The thing is, I'm not sure if its going to work. He's forever trying to change me, complaining that I never do things right, he refuses to be reciprocating during sex, he won't go out of his way for me, and the longer I'm with him, the more I'm beginning to feel isolated from my family and friends. I'm not out yet but plan to come out as soon as the time is right. He pressurises me all the time into doing things that I cannot fulfill. He is incredibly moody and sometimes I don't know how to handle him. I feel like I'm constantly trying to keep the peace.

Yesterday, I couldn't meet up with him like I usually do in the mornings as I had an appointment, I let him know timeously and now I've been given the silent treatment for 2 days. Have not heard a thing from him.

My boyfriend wants me all to himself. I feel like I'm trapped. We've been together on and off for the last 3 years. I've experienced a break up with him before and it was hell. I'm afraid of letting go coz its a horrible thing to let go of someone you love.

Honestly, what can I do. Do I leave him? Can he change? I really would like us to be friends since we've come such a long way together, and there are times when we really do get along. Excuse me if I seem confused about what I want to do coz ya, I am very confused, thats why I need all the help I can get.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Pondering and welcome to our forum.

I see that several people have already responded to you offering good advice - there seems to be agreement that this relationship is not in your best interests and that you need to terminate it. Which you subsequently did.

Just be mindful of trying to shift the relationship into some form of 'friendship' - this would lead you into a very unstructured emotional minefield and create complex dynamics that would negate your coming to terms with and mourning the end of the relationship, and would prevent you from moving on. Although it may sound painful, a clean break would be more functional in the longer run.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: carebo | 2005/12/14

Dear Pondering

I have read all your letters as well as the replies on it. To me as a psychologist, your ex reminds me very much of someone with a borderline personality disorder. The one moment he would allow you close to him just to create a distance the next. The one moment he would over evaluate a relationship and the next he would devaluate it. They manipulate, project on you all the things they are guilty of and never take responsibility for their mistakes or their part in a relationship. After every emotional abuse they would apologise in a very convincing way just to repeat it later and they are NOT open to an adult conversation about relationship issues, because they feel threatened by it. In fact, they take any kind of constructive critics as very personal. For them it is a form of rejection and they do not deal well with that. Bad news is that they will never change.

It seems as if you have broken up with this guy. Yes it is very tough because you love him. Your emotions are on a rolercoaster with you. Therefore it is important to rely on your cognitive mind tight now. Do NOT trust your heart at this stage because it will cause you to make emotional decisions right now- decisions you will regret. Remember what I said about emotional manipulation and abuse? Watch out for this- they are masters in using it!!

Hang in there Pondering, from what I read, you know that the relationship was destructive and you have all the emotional strength to get through this, because you appear to be a very mature person knowing what he wants.

Kind regards

Reply to carebo
Posted by: Dyl | 2005/12/13

the one thing you cannot do is make conditoins, one cannot have a relationship built on any sort of condition from either side.
if you feel that he can change and wants to change, then maybe it will work, from experience, it doesnt always work the second, third , fourth ......time round if it didn't work the first time round.

why not try out a friendship, you may just find you are better friends than lovers, or maybe the 2 of realise that you belong together as a couple. only time will tell what is the right or wrong thing to do.

i really hope that things work out well for both of you, wether its together or not.

good luck and keep well.

Reply to Dyl
Posted by: Pondering | 2005/12/13

Hi guys. Thanks for all the great support & advice. I broke the news about an hour ago - the hardest thing I've ever had to do since I worked so hard to get it back 7months ago. But now, its the feeling of guilt. I'm getting constant phone calls, smses, saying that I mustn't do this. What do I do. I'm trying to be assertive and compassionate at the same time.

Reply to Pondering
Posted by: Tristan | 2005/12/13

Hi Pondering,

I am sorry to hear that things are not going well between you and your partner.
It sounds to me like he is not in a good space and that he is unhappy with himself. It also sounds like he has a lot to loose if you go.
I suggest you speak to him before you make any big decisions. Or write him a letter if communicating with him verbally is too difficult. If he is not interested, well then you make some serious decisions. What I am saying is: you love the guy, make sure you have tried everything before you break up and that you have no regrets later.
You say" I really would like us to be friends since we've come such a long way together, and there are times when we really do get along". This is not really a good enough reason to stay together (it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself). You might end up being really good friends after your break anyway.

Good luck and keep us posted on any developments.


Reply to Tristan
Posted by: Nikki | 2005/12/13

No doubt, no-one here can give you any better advise ......

GET OUT and NOW will be an EXCELLENT time

My thoughts are with you, good luck.

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Dyl | 2005/12/13

take a step back and read out loud what you have written, as if from someone else, and then answer yourself honestly as to what you would say to that person......

i think we all know the answer would be "get out as fast as you can"

yes it is hard to let go of someone you love, but you will never find the one if you are isolated.

good luck, and all the best,


Reply to Dyl
Posted by: StarBuck | 2005/12/13

Hey Pondering. The point of having someone in your life is to make the tough times easier, not harder. This person should be your best friend and lover, not the gatekeeper who decides what you do and when you do it. Trust is freedom and when a partner becomes obsessive and possesive, the alarm should go off... Do what your gut tells you.

Reply to StarBuck
Posted by: Johnboy | 2005/12/13

Take Pammy's advise and get out NOW!

Reply to Johnboy
Posted by: pammy | 2005/12/13

Get out of there as soon as possible - it doesn't get better. In fact the longer you stay the more of yourself you loose!

Reply to pammy

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