Posted by: quicksand | 2008/01/19

Need help?

I am a man in my late forties. I wanted to be a girl when I was five, had numerous scrapes with parents, teachers and pastors. I was doing wrong and must suppress it. I wanted deserately to keep my hair long and wear dresses. I played with my sisters dolls, dressed up in my moms things and we made each other up. At school I was the smallest boy from start to finish, was bullied, teased and made to do degrading things by the seniors. I had to lie with my legs open while another junior lay between my legs simulating sex. I was underdeveloped, and had no body hair.
I learnt to reject the feelings trying to be as manly as possible. I bought a motorcycle, took up pistolshooting, skydiving and went out with girls. I got married and have a wonderful wife and five wonderful, excellent children. All through the last thirty years I have been suppressing the feelings. Giving in now and again to the feelings and feeling seriously guilty afterwards. I weigh 60kgs, am 1,7m tall, body = 38,29,40, I am not at all fat but I have slight gynecomastia and sensitive pointy nipples. I wear a bra supposedly just to round off my breasts, but it makes me feel feminine. Nobody knows about my secret life. I most like wearing my womens jeans and a feminine top and do housework pretending that my husband is coming home later. I fantasise about what he will do when he gets home. I have never had any homosexual experiences. All is imaginary. I have been a good husband and father. I have wanted my own children since little and I changed their nappies, fed them, burped them, put them to sleep like a good mother. I was playing mother and being praised as a good father. I am giving in to my feelings more and more lately and am afraid I will be found out. I don't want to cause my family any type of grief.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTransgender advisor

There is many people who feel the way you descibe here. It is not about homosexuality or about being gay. Sexual orientation and gender identity is two very different concepts. The way you descibe this, from early childhood surely indicates that it is about your gender identity.

You need to searh on the net, or learn more about this, and see which options are available and viable for your situation. It will be possible for you to go through with sex reaasignment if you feel that is the option you want to choose. But first and foremeost you need to be able to make an informed decision.

Find out if there is an organisation for LGBT people in your area, have a look at the Joint Working Group's website to see a list of most of the organisations in South Africa. You will find it at:

You maybe also need to go for a few sessions to a professional person, and most advicably also for couple sessions with your partner. This is not something a person decide to follow through, with over nioght, and I really want to suggest you first create a support network for yourself. This will be best achieved by first informing yourself, then making contact with like minded people and seeking the assistance of a professional person to guide and support you (and your partner)

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Tina | 2008/01/21

Your story is no different then many others that have gone through same struggle.

Please follow the link (click on "Who is Transgender Advisor" and note the website listed there.

Join and contact me there


Reply to Tina

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