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Question
Posted by: JustMe | 2005/01/07

Need advice

I'll be married 9 years in March this year . I can't exactly say that it's been smooth , but I'm still hanging in there . The problem is not my marriage though , it's this need to get in contact with a certain someone that I had a very strong friendship with just before I got married . We were very close , could share anything personal but always knew that we couldn't take the relationship further 'cause at the time I was involved with someone and so was he . We were just each other's shoulder if things went wrong in our relationships with our partners . The thing is , I got married to the guy I was seeing without telling him about it . He visited me the evening after I got married 'cause it was my birthday , intending on wishing me but only to be told that I'm married . I never spoke to him again after that and just carried on with my new life .
Now , this is where I need advice on . I've seen him on 3 occasions in last month and cannot stop thinking about him . He's subsequently gotten married as well and his wife has just had a baby . I have this very strong urge to get in contact with him so that I can find out why we never ended up together , why he never did something about our feelings for each other and perhaps also to apoligise for getting married without informing him . I guess I need closure on my relationship with him 'cause we never got a chance to do that . I also do not want to cause any trouble between him and his wife , so , contacting him might be a bit risky . I would really like to just talk to him 'cause I think I miss that about him . He was a great listener (my husband is not) .
Do I contact him or not , or do I let sleeping dogs lay ? And , what will he think of me ?

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Our expert says:
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JM, You're both married now. To further any relationship between the two of you now, would needlessly hurt your spouses and children. WHY you never ended up together isn't what matters now --- you can't change history. Closure is something you could usefully seek in counselling.
And of sleeping dogs ? There are many such old sayings --- as the Tom Wolfe book said, "You Can't Go Home Again" --- because at the stage you get back, it isn't what it was. You can't step in the same river twice --- because by the time you revisit it, the river has slightly changed it's shape, and the water is all new.
Rather invest effort, perhaps in marriage counselling, in revivifying your present marriage, than in trying to hark back to what will always be out of reach. Neither of you is today, the people you were back then.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nokt | 2005/01/07

I personally think that if u really feel that u need closure, contact him somehow, let him know how u feel and close the chapter, keep in mind should u decide to act on those feeling u had then, people u have now r the ones that r going to be hurt, do u want that? u managed to be in a married life for this long do u really want to throu that away, it is easy to to see the green grass on the other side but as shaun said, it isnt actually that green!! but if u thinks its worth it go for it...

By the way, try and imagine how will he feel when u contact him, he might not be so pleased, he might not want to throu his family away??!!!

Reply to Nokt
Posted by: Blue Eyes | 2005/01/07

Ask yourself why you never did anything about your feelings for each other. Were you waiting for him to make the first move? Maybe he was waiting for you? Whatever, 9 years is a long time and as you have now both moved on, best to concentrate on your relationship with your husband and leave the old friend be.

Reply to Blue Eyes
Posted by: ec | 2005/01/07

I agree with Shaun - let it be! Remember that 9 years have passed - you're not the person you were then and neither will he be the same. It seems that you were good friends - not romantically involved but in any event I think it will be unfair of you to now meddle in his life. Why not seek counselling for yourself to sort your emotions out. Best of luck!

Reply to ec
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/01/07

hi there

the one thing about the past is that it can never be changed

both of you made choices and have moved on and their is a lot of innocent people who will get hurt becuase oyu want to turn the clock back....

leave the past and put all the energy you are using to dream and sceam into your marriage

if is is meant for you guys to maybe be together in the future it will happen without you pushing for it, leave it and everytime you miss him, send a blessing to him and his loved ones

if one day yo guys do get together then atleast you'll have a clean conscience and not that hurt all the innocent people

leave the past where it belongs

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Shaun | 2005/01/07

My opinion is that you really seek closure. It maybe coz you guys didn't get this, your mind starts wondering about what could have been between you two.
I would suggest that you seek professional counselling on this so that you take an informed decision as to what you should really do...
At the moment though I would suggest you let sleeping dogs lie. As much as we think so, the grass is often not really that greener on the other side... there's just more manure there.

Reply to Shaun

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