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Question
Posted by: pk | 2004/12/08

need advice

HI there,

I need advice on the following: Does my boyfriend need help?
How do I know if he is a compulsive lair.
For the past 2 weeks -since we moved in together - things have not been going well. I keep feeling more and more like his maid than his girlfriend. He speaks to me disrespectfully - i have to remind him constantly that i'm not his dog, he answers all questins in the negative - for instance if someone that just met him leaves and said " nice meeting you" he will answer " what's so nice about it it's not like i'll see you again?". I think he is very selfish - if we go out he buys himself something to drink and lately i have to ask him for a kiss or a hug then he tells me to come to him and come get it - i'll be sitting down at the table and he would be coming into the room and be standing in the doorway. Friday night we went out with frineds of mine for dinner at Monte Casino - first he brought work home and made us an hour late but not before I asked him If he wants to work i'l go on my own he insisted that he will join me, once we were there ( at 8 instead of 7) he insisted we hurry up so we can leave at 9 so he can go work. at 10 after eating when we said goodbye to everyone while they were still eating he decided that he wanted to go gamble for a while we ended up leaving at 1:30. I had to satnd and watch him blow 3oo bucks on poker. I don't gamble. I asked him a few times if we can go home that i'm tired, he just gave me two 25 rand chips and told me to keep myself busy. Eventually I took the car keys and went to the car and sat there till he decided to leave. It's like everything is on his terms - when I bring it to his attention he just says -he is sorry but he is under stress and I must be patient... (he just started a new job in pc programming)

He works late and we do spend little time together but when we do get to spend time together he doesn't talk to me he will talk to the other people living in the commune with us. so what's the use? He also doesn't lift a finger in the house when I ask him to butter the bread it's an effort for him, or ask him to help me make supper.

Then there is the lying... He is only 22 (i'm 26) and feels the need to lie when meeting new people. For instance when meeting someone who likes motorbikes he will go on about owning his own bike and carry on about impossible things that he does with this imaginary bike. People know's he is lying and thats why they think he is an a-hole. If he meets someone from another nationality (portugese or chinese) he will go on telling them that he knows the porra mafia and the chinese mafia - crap like that.
I spoke to his mother and she said "he has a demon in him and we should all pray for him, he has been lying since he was a small child and it is a virus". I think he has an inferiority complex - it's like he feels the need to lie about himself in order for people to like him when it is not needed.

When we just started going out he was so nice, attentive, loving and kind. He would play with my hair or lie next to me staring. It was like he was happy to just be with me. I did bring these things to his attention by writing him a letter telling him how i feel and he just said that nothing was his fault that it was all my fault. The problem was not with him it lies with me. I do admit there are things that I do rwong but at least i'm trying to fix things, trying to work it out but he never lets me in - always keeps me at an arms length and I simply can not take it anymore, I do love him but don't know where to go from here.

We took a break from each other since Sunday - due to our room being flooded with all the rain and will talk about things tonight. I feel like suggesting to him that he stay in the house, i'll stay at a friends house till January. I feel that he should show me that he wants to be with me, because everything has been coming from one side, I pay for everything because he just started the new job and will pay for things once he gets his first paycheck end Dec. Like we have to start from scratch and he has to show me that he loves me if he really wants to be with me he will make an effort... wont he?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Prettywell everyone lies at times ; a compulsive liar lies even when it produces no benefit to him, and even when he's sure to get found out. This guy sounds immature and selfish, and not adult enough to have an adult relationship with a real woman. I cannot imagine why any intelligent woman would tolerate being treated so nadly by such a loser. Why not leave him and get a life of your own, and wait for a boyfriend who is worthy of you ?
Yes of course he needs help, buit until HE thinks so, sincerely, it would be impossibloe for anyone to help him. Save yourself

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Snooks | 2004/12/08

Short and sweet......Kom so gou moontlik uit die verhouding uit, hy sal nooit verander nie...feite is feite. In elk geval 'n huwelik/verhouding is harde werk dit kom nie net van een party af nie!

Sterkte!

Toereldoee
Snooks

Reply to Snooks
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/12/08

Hi PK,

Well from reading the above postings i cant really add much to this.

Does he really care about you if you're already supporting him and then blowing R300.00 on gambeling? R300.00 is alot of money when you're taking some financial strain. Seems like his really taking you forgranted. No man will do this if he really cares for you PK.

I can see how his compulsive lying is not only hurting you but embarresing too. PK let me tell you one very true thing. If your friends hate this man they are going to distance themselves from you too, and you'll only end up relying on this man for every thing, including your selfesteem. This really seems like the start of an emotional/mental abuser. Do you really want that?

Honestly i wouldn't even give him a chance through December. You'll only ruin your festivities by wondering this and pondering that. Cut your losses while you can, or while the relationship and this pattern of abuse is still in its early stages. I think you already know what is going to be best in the long run, but its following through with that which is the toughest. Remember that you'll have your family and your friends who will support and love you through this time and surely help you.

Please dont let this carry on. Its simply unhealthy.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/12/08

Hi PK,
You need this boyfriend as much as one needs a hole in the head! I am sure there is something much better out there for you and the longer you hang out with this dude, the longer before you meet your ideal partner.
Take care,
Jasmine

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: P | 2004/12/08

pk Problem might be, that while you describe all these things he does and does not do that makes you unhappy, that you think it's fine, maybe you don't think enough of yourself and that is why you have allowed it to go so far and allowed him to act the way he does. Other than the fact that he is selffish and a lot of other things as well, he feels in control and does not really care what you think or feel.

Without re-iterating what has been said, get out of this marriage, I don't think you cann change his personality, and hopefullu there are no children (yet) which will make the decision 10 times moer difficult. And don't argue with him about this matter, he only believes himself, and will think and tell you how compeltely wrong/selfish etc you are. Go to a attorney and divorce him. I don't think you gave yourself time to learn him well enough before you married him, don't make the same mistake again.

Reply to P
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/08

Hi PK,

Yes, if he really loves you he will make an effort. You have also gotten great responses from everyone here, thus far. I also feel you know very well what should be done, just take solace in the knowledge that you are looking after your happiness.
Your bf seems to need some direct professional though. I must say I think his behaviour & attitude towards you seems very childish, while you seem way too mature for him right now. I mean even his mother seems to be warning you about him.
I do undertsand though that you may care for this guy quite a lot & maybe quite reluctant to let go. Just know in the end that's it's much better you came to this realisation so soon as many go through years of hardship & being taken advantage of just to come to a similar realisation much later. You're 26, you have so much to give still, & you have so much still to experience, why allow yourself to be a nurse & possibly a meal-ticket to someone who doesn't seem to want to grow up, who doesn't seem to want to take responsibility of his own life.

You take the break you need, & leave the ball in his court. Stick by your decision. Even though it may be sad & hurtful to you, know that it does get better in time. I do really think you know what's to be done, & I feel certain that you may be much better off without him dragging you down to his level. No, I think you're much better than that PK.

Enjoy these few days living with your friens, while at the same time taking note that life is way better than someone who slowly emotionally abuses you.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Paul | 2004/12/08

Lol BB, man if people want to suffer and know the way out and still not choose it - I cant be um.. how should I say, a softie about it.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Rat | 2004/12/08

Hey pk, this is quite a prediciment that you are in. Firstly what concerns me is that you seem to pay for everything ? does he ever seem to offer to pay even a small portion of the bill or for groceries etc ? we all tell white lies but when you start to lie about your life then there are some serious problems. Have you suggested he gets some counceling. When you say that you will move out to a friend who is going to pay the rent where you two are staying ? I am again assumming you are ? He is using you sorry that is my gut feel ... why do you stay with him if he gives you nothing back in return, if he speaks to you badly and treats you with no respect ? No man is worth it darling. I know it is difficult to be alone but hell I have made so many great male and female friends since my divorce and I also want to honestly say that if you can't be happy by yourself you won't be happy in a relationship.... it's fine when one person in a couple is having financial problems to help out but it seems that this guy is just spending his money on himself and never on you. Make a list of what you contribute and what he contributes and please stop picking up after him and cleaning after him perhaps he will soon realise that you are not his maid and get his act together!!! STOP PAYING for everything !!!

best of luck....

Reply to Rat
Posted by: blackbird | 2004/12/08

Paul...thats is the most ...err..err how would i say...hard i've seen you in ages.

pk...dump this man, you deserve better, any woman deserves better, this oke is using you like a piece of kitchen apliance. you are an object to him. at 22 he acts like this, it can only get worse. get out now, or rather stay out. he has been using you all along. typical smooth operator. he is just making a very unhappy person of you, and life is way to short to live a life like this.

Reply to blackbird
Posted by: Just my Opinion | 2004/12/08

The man is a lazy doos. He has you just where he wants you... running after him, cooking for him, doing everything he wants, when he wants, without ever having to take you into consideration... and he won't ever stop until you make him. We teach people how to treat us, and you've taught him he can get away with that kind of asshole behaviour and you won't leave. He is taking you for granted, and I'll bet anything you are probably paying more towards expenses than he is. You have to make him work for you, stop taking you for granted, stop taking advantage of you, and start being an adult. You have to make it clear you will not put up with no communication and such blatant selfishness. or else you are out th door, really out the door... But you have to believe that you are better than this and deserve more as well..

Reply to Just my Opinion
Posted by: Inc | 2004/12/08

Girl.. I think you already have the answers. What are you going to do about this relationship? The man is a dog... and he thinks you are his .... you know what! His low self esteem is going to break you down... the longer you stay with him, the worse it will be. 2 weeks to show his true colours.... you are so lucky to see them now. Some women only see true colours over a few years and then their's kids and financial responsibilities that hold them to the relationship... you have the chance to get out now! Don't suggest anything... dont bother... just take your stuff, get out and get yourself a better life. This guy is a looser... and you will be one too if you stick around long enough!

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Mindful | 2004/12/08

Hi PK,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but he sounds like a real loser! Nobody deserves to be treated like that! Also what worries me is the age difference - although not that great, I get the impression that you guys are definitely at the same maturity level. He is definitely taking everything you do for him for granted, and he sounds really careless blowing his money so easily. As for the lying, don't stand for it! Dear PK, however hard it is, I can tell by your posting that this guy is only going to hurt you! I think you know what to do...

Reply to Mindful
Posted by: Paul | 2004/12/08

Im sorry as much as you might think you love this man, there is something seriously WRONG WITH YOU for staying with him. He is abusive, a compulsive liar, has low self esteem, a dominating personality bordering on sadistic behaviour

Give him a chance to make the effort, so you can see he doesn't want to. Leave him for F sakes!

Reply to Paul

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