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Posted by: kels | 2005/06/22

near the edge

for so many years i have tried to be strong, since i can remember i have been living in chaos.. im not coming with all this self pity, no one really knows how im feeling and its so hard to exlain.when i was 9 i my parents began fighting, alot. i found out my mom was having an affair with someone who worked for my dad, alot of people found out coz their dads also worked with him. i was pretty confused coz my mom, for two years constantly would sit us down and tell us my parents are getting a divorse, the divorse was never really final but my mom would "go running" and dissappear for weeks, not answering her fone ect. everytime i saw her boyfriend he had a different name or none at all...he was "just a friend" when i was 11 the shit carried on and eventually my dad gave in. he died. actually a week ago on that tuesday 14th it would be 4 or 5 yrs im not sure, i kind of block it out. the but just before he died my mom forced me to go to "georges" house.. this was his other name. she refused to leave and told me she would wake me up when she was ready. i woke up sometime during the night with the whole house dark and i could hear her screwing him down the passage. it was terrible and a terrible house. i hate it.the next day i woke up and my mom showed me a room and said it was mine. i realised that was my future so i wanted to stay with dad but i had no choice and anyway later on he died. its been a while since it has all happened but i still have such demons from my past it scares me. i still live in the house where my mom had the affar,about a yr after the death, my mom told me the night before that she was getting married, my poor brother only found out afterwards. i have never been accepted at school.so i have no where to go. all day long i sit on my pc and listen to music, write poetry ect but it seems there is no where to go. my mom keeps on telling me she is bankrupt coz the trustees of my dads money wont pay out (very complicated) i have never been a trouble teen ect. i smoke and im 15 but its ok coz it relaxes me. a while ago i started cutting myself because some guy broke up with me because there were rumors going on about me which were all lies. i have SUCH SHIT said about me and i dont know why. people have never accepted me coz im different. i didnt cut myself to die, it just relaxed me and was kind of a release coz i never get angry at people, i used to have alot of tollerence to those people but now im giving up. of gone past the point of depression. i can say almost with pride that i would kill myself if i werent christian. i ahev accepted it and i know God want me to carry on. im numb. dont have any emotion anymore but sometimes i would just cry. no specific reason, my pain would just catch up to me for a second.

i dont want to write a whole lot of shit. im sorry its so long but i have no one to talk to. my best friend is also depro but thats a different story so i try keep my distance sometimes coz i know one night with her would kill me with pain.

i am asking you to please help me. if you have ever heard a cry for help, this is a real one. please
please dont judge me,\

kelsie

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTeen expert

Hi Kelsie,

your story is a very sad one and you have been through a lot. It sounds as if your mothers actions have made you very unhappy, but somehow you don't get heard.

I think it is really important for you to have someone to talk to, and I also think this needs to be someone who is outside of the family so that you can speak openly and honestly about how you feel. I don't know if its possible for you to see a Psychologist by letting your mom know that you are unhappy and need help? If not another alternative is to speak to a school counsellor if you have one. If neither of these are possible I strongly suggest you contact childline, as they will be able to put you in touch with services in your local area.

What is important is that your story and your experiences are valid, and you have been very strong to deal with things so far. Don't give up on yourself, and dowhat you can to get some support.

You can contact Childline at www.childline.org.za or toll free on 08000 55555

Take care and best wishes

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Disturbed | 2005/07/06

You're Welcome Kels :)

Reply to Disturbed
Posted by: kels | 2005/06/28

hey everyone.

its amaizing to connect in such a way with such strangers. i just wanted to say thank you, all your messages will help me. most of the time, when im really sad, i read these messages over and over again, they are truely a step up for me in my climb to happiness.
i cant say thank you enough, for someone to help a stranger and say such things to me is a sign that there is hope.

you gave me hope.
thankyou
kelsie

Reply to kels
Posted by: Nilla | 2005/06/27

Hey Kels theres no need to be so hard on yourself.I know exactly how you feel.I also suffer from depression and anxiouty attacks.My father died when I was nine years old it was then when my life started falling apart.My mother and I grew further apart than what we already were and I started blaming her for every thing that went wrong in my life.I then started getting involved the wrong crowd;alcohol and drugs.I thought that by doing that I would hurt my mother and I did but in the end I ended up being hurt most.There were many guys who hurt me but never did I hurt myself by doing what you do;instead I got drunk and high.I am not proud of what i have done but I know that my past is what makes me who I am today and because of what I went through I am A STRONGER person today.God has a plan for your life and dont forget that you are special.Trust him and speak to him about your problems.I dont believe that I came accross your letter by misstake I think that god intended for it to happen.I will keep you and your family in my prayers.Remember you are worth more than you think you are and dont ever forget that.I hope everything works out for you.

Reply to Nilla
Posted by: Sourz | 2005/06/24

Kels...Just curious, but are you a male? How old are you now? That sounds really hectic! You are obviously depressed. I'm 19yrs old, i also went through a VERY bad stage of depression last year. My best friend was also depressed, IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO BE AROUND DEPRESSED PEOPLE IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION. I did go to rehab, which did help, but not all that much. I'm now 100% again. I make very good friends with depressed people because it makes me feel good to help them, as i know how they feel, cos i've been there myself, when you feel NOBODY cares.
The best thing I can recommend for you is to make friends with happy/positive people, as they will bring your spirits up!
Shout if you have a question i may be able to help with...

Reply to Sourz
Posted by: Disturbed | 2005/06/23

Kels, I feel for you. I am 17 and my family had the same problem, not to that extreme but I had some other stuff thrown in to it. I had my mums Boyfriends trying to get with me! I ended up moving out at 15 because I could not handle the life that I was living with my mum, I wanted to hurt myself and I did start to smoke, I never ended up hurting myself because I was scared someone would find out and bad things would come as a result, I still smoke, kinda quit because I think its giving me a problem, But please stop cutting yourself, Boys are not worth it, Mines cheating on me as we speak, I am emotionless when it comes to dating now since I have been hurt my so many cheating on me and constant lying.

Life does get better, Just these experiences help us learn things that we will need to use the knowledge we have gained in new situations. Please Go and find you sanctuary and things will get better.

Reply to Disturbed

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