Posted by: Anon | 2009/10/02

Narcissistic father

I think my father has Narcissistic personality disorder. He fits the profile 100%. He is incurably unfaithful to my mother and he had so many affairs that I lost count. Every time he manipulated my mother and made her believe that he does love her and she fell for it every time. I found out about his latest affair on the internet. I told my mother that they really need to divorce, because I don' t want to be in the middle of this anymore. Finally my mother wants to divorce, but now my father refuses. The other problem is, that my mother no degree or job experience, she has been a housewife for 30 years. My father becomes spiteful and is never reliable with giving her money. That' s another reason why she stayed with him and she is a very ' scared'  person, she was over protected by her parents, because she was the only daughter (she had 5 brothers). She can' t do anything on her own. My father simply doesn' t believe that he did anything wrong. He denies all his actions and tells us that we are being awful and he is the victim. You can' t talk to him about anything, he lashes out like a caged animal and blames everyone but himself. He even told me, that I am responsible for his latest affair, because my mother came to live with me, to help me with my colicky baby. That is so sick! What about the other affairs? And it was only a short time away, he came to visit very often.

Now he is livid that I dare to tell him that he is not welcome in my life anymore. He accuses me of being heartless for denying him his grandchildren. So, I told him, if he wants to see us, he has to give my mother a divorce and support her financially. So far it looks like he will agree to do this. But it doesn' t take it away, that I am sick and tired of his nonsense. He is close to a pathological liar. You can never be sure if he tells the truth and I don' t want to be in his company anymore! I know he is my father, but I don' t like him as ' n person. He is emotionally draining and in constant need of affection, admiration and sympathy. He even cries real tears to tell you how sorry his situation is. I am also worried about the safety of my children, and therefore we never let him visit without supervision. It' s a lot of stress! I wish I could cut him out of my life! But I am also a Christian and I don' t know what to do about the moral side of the situation. My mother also tells me to forgive and not to judge. But it' s so hard! I don' t know what to do, I' m at my wits end today. My husband is unhappy, because I always get pulled into this (because I feel sorry for my mother and she isn' t a strong enough person to handle things like this). Geez, now I hope you can make sense of this rambling. I really need advice! Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Who places you |in the middle of this " ? You may be right that your faher has a personality disorder, narcissistic or otherwise, but that doesn't help much, other than to suggest he's really unlikely to change.
Youy need a legal opinion as to whether your father is entitled to block you mother's request for a divorce, and to whether she could hope to get any form of maintenance if she did. Can her brothers provide her with any sort of support ? Its fare enough to insist that he give her a divorce and proper support / maintenance as a condition of giving him access to your home and children. But make sure he signs a binding and irreversible agreement to do so, and the legal document should not make access to your home and children a condition of anything. The children must keep the right to not see him, if they so wish.
Such people often cry real tears, as though they may have no interest in other people's feelings, they feel deep and sincere pity for themselves.
Why do you worry that the children are unsafe in his company ?
I don't comment on religious issues, but I don't think Christianity requires one to give blanket forgiveness to unrepentant and repeated, glad sinners, and why is it only the guilty who insist that they must not be judged ? I am certain that no religion requires one to indulge a sinner and help him to hurt people

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/02

I' m not christian but as a christian you were given choice by God for a reason. It even devided heaven and hell over giving humans souls and free choice. So I think you are making a good decision. It seems that right now your father can do more harm than good to your family so he needs to stay away. God gaver you choice so you could choose what you felt in your heart was right. Your mother needs to decide enough is enough, and if she decides to go back to your father then I think you need to let it be and cut all ties with them all. Otherwise it will poisen your life.

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