Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/18

My wife and the other man

There is not space here for the whole story. So the long and the short of it all is this.
My wife found an old friend for whom she always had feelings. So she explored if he would be interested.... And so he was.

I went to the guy''s work and in a very nice way told him that he should back off. The same day I said to her she must decide whom she want... Well, she almost did not choose me :-(

It is now one month thereafter. We have talked about it alot, and she is quite open about what happend (and what did not happen).
My problem is this: I don''t believe a word and I do not trust her! I believe she still have contact with the guy and I suspect she has a second email she use to comunicate with him.
I can not live with my contant toughts about this matter anymore. It effects my work, my life and our relationship.

What do I do?
She is really trying her best to make US work, but I am the one that does not give US a second change after I asked her to do so.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like what she did was indeed cheating, with a full intention of cheating - if the other guy would accept her invitation. There must be more problems within her relationship with you than this single incident - see a marriage counsellor together, clarify the issues and problems, and see if they can be solved.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/02/21

We are all different and deal with problems accordingly. Cheating on either side is disgusting, shallow and selfish. Personally, I could NEVER accept a betrayal like that, so in your face and heartless. Ummm no way. Try to salvage some self respect and call it a day. You deserve someoned much better than her, believe me pal.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/19

Ok my comments on your postings. From the Top:

To All of you:
You are the best thing that happen this month in my live! Which includes, my wife cheating, a promotion at work, a salary increase and fullfilling one of my dreams of the last 12 years (some nice wheels). I post here out of desperation and I got a HELL of alot more back than expected!! WoW and thank you, this has been an humbling experiance!!! (PS excuse my spelling :-)

To Eish:
Your stoty is a tough one. And not at all an option to me. Sorry to tell you this but it seems like you are not over her, after 4 years! My wife and I met years ago and even back then (in school) I know she is my soul mate! I will part from her only to the after live. I know what I want in live and i''m willing to fight for myself and my dreams!

To Da W.
Good to have confirmation from you, because this is the way I try and handle it. We spoke about it for about 1 full day, then I said to her, OK, " case closed"  we leave this is the past and move on. Which was the best deal ever cause we get to focus on the NOW. SO, although we do dnot speak about this alot anymore, and I make her believe all is ok... It is eating me up from inside! and that is why I posted here. But what you say make ALOT of sense to me! Love can make this work... Love is all we have!

Aan Bee-Bee:
WoW. Daar is soveel gevoel in wat jy se! EK kan injou woorde lees jy bedoel dit en jy kruip agter niks weg nie. Jyt in die woorde wat ek getik het gou gesien eks Afrikaans en wel.. gebroke en jy het dit SO raak gevat. So dankie ek waardeer dit!
Dit maak sin maar ek moet deur hierdie 5 fases van " grief"  kom so gou moontlik! Sodat ek heel kan wees vir haar. Sy het baie ander issues ook en sy het my nodig om sterk te wees!! Op n weird manier kry ek haar jammer oor al die, sy is eintlik baie alleen omdat sy nie NOG issues na my toe wil bring nie. ANY CASE, ek is stuck in fase 4 en ek moet net hier oorkom.
Maar mense soos jy (en julle) maak my baie beter voel!!

No,I believe a real man does not result to violence evrytime something happend he does not like. Nor do you RUN from your gaints, you FACE them!! So I believe my " nampy pampy"  approach gets issues resolved and not just swept under the carpet!!

To Ja Nah:
Google translate does not pick up any words so I understand " No man, Andre"  from your posting. But thanks for the reply...

To Slam Dunk:
She said that evening to me that she choose me 100 x over any other man. So what you say is true, and I have no doubt. Yet this " episode"  has left me less confident in that.
So what is that I can not do for her? I''ll explain more if you want me to but the long and the short is this. We have been toghether sinse forever, and I have never wanted another woman. Yet she now wonder what live could have been... So I can not be another man to her, nor the friends we left behind after school etc etc. So among ALOT of things but mainly her depression she does not know what she wants. And my intent is to BE MYSELF and help her make sense of what is in her head.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: SlamDunk | 2011/02/19


Firstly, she has chosen you. She has made her mind up and you are the man she wants! You are done fighting for her. She is yours.

You''re next step is to ask yourself what you can do to better the bond between her and you. Ask yourself what you did not do that made her go for another guy.

You are focusing to much on the problem and that is that she cheated on you. All you''re energy is going in to negative thoughts. You need to focus all that energy in to her.

So in short, get the romance and the playful fun and funny person out. Take her on a date almost like the first one you went on.

She chose you, now convince her why she chose you again.

The Doctor will know more and will have better things to say than any of us so lets see what he has to say about this.

Hang in there, i know the pain, i know how you feel! I also never knew how to handle it but after research on the net - this that i said is about the best advice i could get.

Reply to SlamDunk
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/19

Sounds like what she did was indeed cheating, with a full intention of cheating - if the other guy would accept her invitation. There must be more problems within her relationship with you than this single incident - see a marriage counsellor together, clarify the issues and problems, and see if they can be solved.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Ja neh | 2011/02/18

usho ukuthi akamane amgibele ngompentshisi...nami ngiyavumelana nawe.Ngeke silokhu sidlala abafazi belibele ukusifebela!! Kahlela lembongola wena Andre, usho futhi uma ufuna usizo!!

Reply to Ja neh
Posted by: Real man. | 2011/02/18

A real man would not have gone and spoken nicely to her boyfriend but would have beaten the s£ $%t out of him.
Stop being a wimp,after all this namby pamby approach is not working,is it?
When you have beaten him up leave her.

Reply to Real man.
Posted by: Bee-Bee | 2011/02/18

Hi Andrè ,

Dit het baie onlangs gebeur en die wonde is nog oop.
Jy gaan die heeltyd daaraan dink - jy is `n mens, after all!

Al wat ek probeer sê  is dat jy " tyd"  tyd moet gee om die wonde te genees. Probeer nie so hard op jouself te wees en NOU te wil besluit nie... jy kan nie rationeel dink op die stadium nie.

Maak dit sin?

Sterkte! ek kan myself net indink hoe pynvol dit moet wees  -)

Reply to Bee-Bee
Posted by: Da W | 2011/02/18

Hi Andre
Normally it is the otherway around. The man cheating and the wife not.
I had this but believe me, thousand times worse.
If you wantthis to work you need to let it go. Erase it from conversations, don''t blame, try to trust.
It will not go away if you think about it ALL the time, talk about it ALL the time, worry ALL the time.
Try to trust (I know this is impossibly hard), but try.
Love can make this work

Reply to Da W
Posted by: Eish | 2011/02/18

Its almost imaginable to loose the one you trully love. Here is my story: My Fiancee (28 years then) cheated on me with a colleague and I found out somehow. Obviously they always give an ''acceptable"  and selective version of what happened ie we pnly kissed and blahh..blahh , which we all know is BS.
We were supposed to get marriedthe ffg year and was so looking foward to it. I also told myself that I''m not just goin to give this up and tried to stay for 1,5 months until one day I woke up and the element of self pride and respect for myself prevailed.
I pulled out a clean piece of paper..(crying like a child) and wrote all my feelings down to her and told her I was leaving for good and she must not try to beg me coz I love her but dont want and need her in my life. Later the removal truck came and I moved to a frends place for a month and eventually found my own. It was never easy, at some point I would want to call and tell her that I miss and love her but then I would read a copy of the letter that I wrote her and " cope"  its been 4 years now and to tell you the truth, I am happy,not because I found a substitute for her but because I put myself first when it matterd the most and I know that I made the right decision. My pride and dignity still remain intact. Now I know that no one will ever cheat on me and I stay and try to " work out"  bullsh*t. At the end of the day day its your decision and if you feel you have the stregth to foght for her and she is worth it, then giv it all you have my brother and I wish you all the best.

Love Eish

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/02/18

Andre, never invest with more than you can afford to lose.

Love your wife, but love yourself even more. When you truly love yourself the fear of losing her will dissapear, because you''ll know in your heart that you''ll be ok even without her. And that can save your marriage.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Me | 2011/02/18

Ok Andre, then fight for her and dont make her choose otherwise you will be left alone...

Reply to Me
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/18

HUH! And give her on a plate to this guy??
No way, I love her and i''ll fight for her with every last breath I have in me!!!!

I know its corney but I live for her!!

One does not just give up and dump... One fights back!

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/18

Well spotted ME!
I thought we have a great marraige... Untill I saw the emails...
Here is a question for you. If your Hubby cheats on you and you are faced with Divorce or make it this marraige work... I can not tell her what to do, that is a choice she had to make.

You right she choose me! (back then) and the question also comes into the mind of what I''m i not doing right etc etc etc.

This is killing my soul!

Reply to Andre
Posted by: HUH | 2011/02/18

Dump her ass. If she considered leaving you for this guy in the first place then she doesnt love you. Take your pride and move on bud.

Reply to HUH
Posted by: Me | 2011/02/18

You guys dont sound like you married, is she really you wife or is she someone you just staying with? i mean you cant make your " WIFE"  choose btwn you and the other man. If you married that means she has made her choice and if not and as you say that she almost didnt choose you. that means she is still hasnt found what she is looking for. Anyway good luch, hope you find a solution to this problem...

Reply to Me

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