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Question
Posted by: Nat | 2005/11/23

My sister is totally non-understandable

Its been driving me crazy too. Shes pregnant, highrisk, apparently ecstatic to be pregnant after trying for 7 years but does completely stupid things endangering herself and her baby, like not following doctors orders, booking herself out of hospital after going into extreme prem labour (baby has no chances of survival). Her husband is a total loser, works for minimum wage, doesn’t help around the house, spends as much money as possible etc etc. Now they cant afford their house anymore and have put it into the market to buy something cheaper. I can truly understand that she is under a lot of stress but the following has me completely flabbergasted:

She asked me to help with groceries since she was flat broke. Trying my utmost to help her, I used the last of my money to buy her some groceries. No money for small extras for my children like they usually get. Crimped in and making cheaper meals etc just to help her. It just hurts so much that I helped her at my families expense and she still had enough money to go out and buy luxuries like Coke, chips, fruit juice, bulk bags of biscuits, expensive Whiska’s pouches catfood for her cats, expensive dogfood for her dogs etc. I feel abused.

Our brother also lives with her and she treats him like absolute dirt. He can never do anything right. Yet even while treating him like dirt, she wants to kick him out on 1 Jan, but not before, because she still needs his rent money for Dec. She flat out told him that she had to put up with him for another month because she couldn’t afford to kick him out yet.

She has an adopted daughter that is suddenly not good enough for anything. She gets picked on for every small detail. Like wasting soap because she left it in the bathwater too long. And not helping enough in the kitchen, when she isn’t even told what is expected of her. She’s just supposed to be an adult suddenly and be able to figure everything out on her own.

Then she asked me to organize her baby shower over the phone. I told her nicely but firmly that I simply did not have the time or energy to do it cause of just finishing exams, not being able to afford to put it together either (I DID buy her R1200 groceries for goodness sake, I’m not made of money!) and not being able to handle the personal stress in my life currently. So she started screaming at me telling me that I never wanted to do anything for her and that she’s never going to ask me for my help ever again and that unsolicited advice wouldn’t be welcome either (I did tell her to go and see a doctor about her terrible moods previously, which she didn’t do) So I said the wrong thing and told her that she must stop playing the victim in every single scenario regarding the whole family and that I just simply wasn’t going to defend her to the rest of the family again either.

Should I just cut her out for the time being? I simply cannot cope with my own stress levels, never mind her temper tantrums thrown in. My meds are enough normally, but I can feel that I’m starting to ‘not cope’. And what do I do so that it doesn’t affect me? Stop taking her calls? Tell her to not come and visit anymore? I’m just completely drained right now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

We need to make allowances for the emotional instability of a pregnant woman, with her zinging hormones. And if she was already a rather unstable, erratic and over-emotional person, this could well have made it worse. Her neglect of good medical advice sounds alarming --- could she in some muddled way be thinking she's saving money by ignoring medical advice and discharging herself from hospital too soon ?
Just give her time. Look after yourself ( nobody else will ) and stand by for when she may change her mind and want help again. Maybe you can tell her when next you hear from her, that you have to deal with your own problems and cannot deal with additional drama, and will need to take a few weeks off and ask her to reduce calls unless theyre about really significant emergencies.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sally | 2005/11/23

WOW, what a selfish biyatch! She sounds so immature and childish!!!!

Stop supporting her - she is using you and dont let her manipulate you.

Reply to sally

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