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Posted by: Lea | 2005/11/30

my previous affair destroying my trust in my husband

About 8 years ago when I was 2, I had an affair with a married man about 17 years older than me. I was very naive and completely fell for all his lies. Anyway, I ended everything after he bacame abusive and threatened to kill us both if I left him, got an interdict against him and moved cities. Now, almost nine years later, I am reaping the consquences of that affair. I am married, and I am struggling to trust my husband. I look at everything he does and says suspiciously and question everything from not answering my calls to the one day out of every how many months that he works late. He has contributed to my mistrust in a few ways, like the fact that I cought him out lying more than a few times about his whereabouts, the fact that he probably senses I am insecure about this and uses this to make me more paranoid (which I think is cruel and childish) and the ultimate, is that he came home one day, after working late with his shirt all messed up, his hair messed up with one or two blanket fluff stuck in it, he didnt smell of any perfume or anything like that but I was of course suspicious mainly because my husband is very very neat and very particular about the way he looks, tie is always neat etc. I confronted him half and half but because I know that it might only be my paranoia I let it be. Now he is about to go away on a two week business trip and I am completely freaking out! I dont know what to do. I have even considered having him put under surveillance by private investigator to confirm my suspicions, but I know I will have completely lost it if I go ahead with this. Fact is I do have a problem but he is not helping with his behaviour. What do I do? Am I stupid if I just trust him and just believe that I will find out if he is doing ssomething

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Am I totally, losing it, or havent I answered this one already ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/30

Even if he is having an afair, all your spy-games will take you no where.
Insecurity is an ugly thing.....
It can make or break a relationship.

Try to forget about what he is up too, and focus on yourself.
Maybe you tell yourself stories & believe it, but maybe not...its not the point.
When you look like a silly paranoid girl, no one will take you seriously anyway.

To deal with insecurities, i think therapy would be the best. It helped me as i got trust issues & always look for sumthing that doesnt exist, then want to drive myself crazy over things thats not the truth...

Pls do yourself a favor.....help yourself & go fot Therapy.

As for your husband...No use to worry over things you cant change. If he wants to have an afair, he will, nothing you can do about it. Rather stop worrying over things you cant change, and do sumthing about what you can. (yourself)


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