Posted by: Joy | 2003/12/18

My (not yet) 5yr old molested - father's reaction

Our son (who is not yet 5) sat on the bed with me yesterday morning whilst playing with his toys(spinners). He mentioned that the casual worker employed by my husband at his workshop "sucked" on his penis. I chatted to him about when it happened and what did our son say to him. My domestic was working in the house at the time, and my older son was in his room. Our son was outside talking to the working, whilst he was repairing the gate. Our son is in a habit of running outside naked, sometimes with a towel only when he is preparing for his bath. I have on numerous occasions told my domestic not to let him run around naked outside.I spoke to my husband yesterday morning. I phoned the doctor, made an appt to see him - saw him yesterday pm. He checked out our son in the presence of my husband and me. He said that there are no visible injuries. I also asked him to examine our son's anus. Our son was a bit tense but he was OK as I had prepared him verbally for the examination. I was concerned about the saliva on the penis. He then phoned the district surgeon and chatted. The district surgeon mentioned that it is incumbent that we report this “alleged molestation” to the police. I agree as we cannot allow this person to get away with what our son aid he did (I must admit that I do believe our son).
My husband was reticent to report the case. He said that this would impact negatively on our son. I felt that this needed to be reported, and with our love and concern and care, be with him should he have to talk to the counselor etc regarding this.
I understand that the police need to "talk" to our son about this incident. I am prepared to let them talk to him. I said to my husband that we will be there with him, and should we see that he is being "harassed", we will stop it.
My husband was a police reservist 10 years ago for a few years. He does know about the law. He knows the way the police will interrogate the suspect (and victim). I do not like his attitude about me "not knowing how the law works, and not knowing how they will interrogate the child".
He feels that we must not expose the child to this because he would just become withdrawn and unhappy, and not be the carefree and happy go lucky child that he is.
I am unhappy that he does not support my decision to have the case reported (we did so last night after seeing the doctor). He says that whenever there is a decision to be made, I do not take him into consideration.
I am now beginning to question my duties as a parent. Have I done the wrong thing by reporting the case? Have I not considered what is going to happen to our son, will the affect him psychologically (have I harmed him in any way?) Was I too hasty to get this case reported? Have I not considered my husband’s feelings?

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Our expert says:
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Check the law, but we may have a legal duty to report such an incident to the police ; and anyway it makes good sense to report it, as you say, to prevent such things happening to other children. It's a good sign that you have a fine relationship with your son, that he felt able to tell you about this event, as fear of doing so is one major barrier against the discovery of such abuse of a child. It sounds as if what happened, while very wrong, would not have caused any physical damage ; and so long as everyone concerned at the adult level keeps their head and stays calm, probably no real psychological damage --- children are usually resilient, though they can become upset by finding their parents getting very upset about events.
Your husband may feel he is also protecting your child, but I suspect that his experience as a police reservist, with interrogations of the accused which can be crude and rough, and when even victims are often not treated thoughtfully or kindly, may be what he is basing his concerns on. Your son ought to be seen only by members of the special Child Protection staff who should have had proper training about how to talk to children about such matters, and to to gather the information they need without upsetting the child. If any policemen were so appallingly badly trained as to "interrogate" a child victim, then they would deserve to be sacked promptly.
So I think you have done the right thing, and that your husband's concerns while understandable, ought to be excessive.
When your husband says "that whenever there is a decision to be made, I do not take him into consideration", this suggests that he has other emotional baggage coming into play, and that he is concerned at a more general level about not being taken into account when some decisions are to be made --- if there are real issues there, the two of you ought to settle them between yourselves, with marriage counselling if needed, but not involving your child or a sensitive issue like this.
It sounds like your husband may also be feeling embarassed, as if it was somehow his fault that this happened to his child ( and of course it isn't his fault ). Surely the Soham case should make us support your approach all the more definitely, where the two litle girls were murdered by a man with 10 prevous complaints about him interfering sexually with children having been ignored by the police, apparently because the children and their parents were reluctant to pursue a formal case against the beast.

And disregard WOW, we are, sadly, occasionally visited by witless idiots like WOW, much less mature than your son, who think it's clever to be offensive, and who display their inablity to be hepful to anyone, een themselves. Fortunately, they depart before too long ( because if they didn't, we'd send our Cyperpatrols out to identify them and deal with them properly ).

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nicki | 2003/12/19

A crime is a crime is a crime whichever way we may look at it. However embarassing it may be, we as individuals have to report it. If this worker can do it to ur child then he can do it to another. Whats more, ur child has told you of a problem that he has encountered, To do nothing is to violate the child.

You have to report the incident. Your husband is trying to ignore the problem at hand and to ignore any problem at hand is to make a problem worse. As to harrassment or intimidation of ur child by police. The police have a well trained child psycologist who will deal with your child ensuring that your child is not harrassed or does not feel scared.

As much as your hubby knows abt the police force, he has not worked under the child molestation or rape division and would not be an authority on the subject.
Also your child needs to get some sort of counselling as later on, this incident will affect him psycologically

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/18

he souds like my fiance they like to leave things at that no further discussions nothing end of story. well maybe you should make the decisions now on and maybe he will come round when he sees that its not harming your child but helping him. my friend was raped as a teenager and has never told her parents to this day... it makes you more overprotective as a parent cos you know what it feels like. Your hubby seems to care more about what people will think or say but he should be more worried about his child, let him be and you take care of this situation you are a strong woman, Good luck and god bless

Reply to eve
Posted by: Joy | 2003/12/18

My husband was there at the consulting rooms when the doctor mentioned that this needs to be reported.
throughout our drive from the doctor to the police station, we chatted about this and I said that this must be reported. he did not agree with me but he came with me to the station, none-the-less. I suppose that he knew that I would do it anyway.
{I was molested as a child (7 yrs old) I did not tell my parents until I was an adult. I was not the first, and I know that I am was not the last. He is still around a grandparent, as well as the husband of a pre-school principal. - when I mentioned this to my husband, he said that he did not want our child to be the guinea-pig because I have unresolved issue regarding my perpetrator.}
My husband is a private person and my gut feeling is that he does not want the people in the complex that he works in to know what has happened to our child. I suppose that he did not want the police to visit the complex as well - really speaking, I am not sure what he really feels as he said to me last night that he does not want to speak about it at present.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/18

wow that is disgusting of you!!! joy you did the right thing, its parents who keep quiet that let sick people like that man roam around. Your husband obviosly feels that you made a decision without him and thats probably why he said that whatever decision you make you do it without him from now on. maybe talk to him about how you feel. Your child needs both of the parents support, does your husband by any chance believe your son? found out and play your cards from there. Good luck and keep your child happy thats whats important

Reply to eve
Posted by: Sean | 2003/12/18

NO- U have not done the wrong thing by reporting the matter, it would be pretty bloody irresponsible if U didnt report the matter. It is people you dont report issues like this that allow the Perpatrators to go around abusing kids.

Well, I appreciate were you hubbies coming from, for a kid to be interviewed by the cops can be pretty harsh experience, U as the parents need to be present during questioning & should it become to harsh, pull your kid out.

Also by leaving you kid with this issue unresolved could result in him maybe haveing problems later on in life.

With regards to your husband & his issues about not consulting him on descision made.. U two need to sort that out.
And about him not supporting u on this issue.. discuss the repercussions thereof TALK IT OUT.

All the luck.

Reply to Sean
Posted by: Joy | 2003/12/18


Reply to Joy
Posted by: WOW | 2003/12/18

You dont have to shoot me for complementing little guy!! What did he say...I mean DID HE CUM?

Reply to WOW
Posted by: Joy | 2003/12/18

Piss off WOW

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Wow | 2003/12/18

Wow,at 5 your son is receiving a blowjob.He'l grow up to be a very lucky and naughty boy!

Reply to Wow

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