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Question
Posted by: chichi | 2004/10/28

MY LIFE IS A MESS PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

It's been a while since I've been here, but then again things were going great for a while. My spouse was diagnosed HIV+ 3 months ago, I tested negative. This was a great shock to our happy home, but we've managed the news amazingly well, because we immediately went to see a psychologist for a couple of sessions and made some major decisions. Things were okay, then one day I was off sick at home and a call came on his cell which he left with me. The woman said to tell him that the mother of his child called. I was in a state, I checked the nr and traced it to the hospital where she had given birth to the baby she claims to have with my husband. I immediately went there, tracked her down and asked her why she's saying it's his baby. My husband was at work and did not know I was with her. She told me she actually has a five year old son with my husband besides the child which was born premature earlier that week. She said she didn't know he was married and that he knew she was pregnant. This hurt me deeply, because I had lost his baby last december and because of his HIV status, we'll never have a child. I made up my mind that I'm leaving him, I felt so betrayed and with everything going through my head, I thought that this was my way out. I told my hubby who denied having children with this woman. He said he knows she was pregnant 5 years ago when they were dating, but when she never showed him the child, he assumed it was not his. I took him to this woman at the hospital that same day where she said again infront of me and my hubby that it is his children. The two of them were arguing and I couldn't stand that sight. My husband said that blood tests should be done to prove his not the father of these kids, but I struggle to believe him. How could a woman you went out 5 years ago suddenly claim your the father of her newborn baby. I don't know what to do. Also, could anyone give me the details of a HIV support group in the bellville, parow or Brackenfell area in cape town.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

chichi. I fully understand your feelings of anger and betrayal, towards a man who has been unfair to both you and this other woman, and has risked your life through his promiscuity ( and, depending on her HIV status, possibly risked the life of her and the child, too ). it would be understandable for you to decide to leave him. Leave him, and keep yourself HIV negative. Be thankful that you did not have a child with him. Leave him to sort out the messes he has created.
Call your local HIV support line ( or check with the psychologist you saw ) about a nearby relevant support group. But if you are HIV negative, surely it's not an HIBV support group you need, but a basic counsellor, to help you ?
There is no need to be kindly towards a man who has betrayed at least two women and two children ( you don't know how many more their might be, still unknown to you --- and if she is HIV negative, then he caught HIV from at least one oher partner ). and who has been lying to you and misleading you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lala | 2004/10/29

pack your bags and go...God loves you so much that he is giving you a second chance in life...not many people are as lucky as you....leave the bastard its the right thing to do...b4 you get really hurt!!

Reply to lala
Posted by: whooo | 2004/10/28

Leave him, as soon as you can!!! Before He transfers the disease to you, I know you love him, but he is untrustworthy and a big liar...run for you life

Reply to whooo
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/28

You must not hesitate to leave him. He is a cheat and liar. Where would this woman suddenly come from claiming he is the farther and how didi she get hold of his number?

I am afraid she is telling the truth. Where did he contract HIV - surely not from you.

You have a second chance in life - use it and leave this loser behind.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/28

Hi Chichi,

No, your life is not a mess, you just have a few things to sort out, & your trust has been broken. I am sure Inc. would be able to advise on the HIV situation as she seems quite knowledgeable on that subject, & may even direct you to a good support group.

I would say him insisting on the blood-test to prove paternity is a good idea as it would also settle your suspicions. I would also say that seeing as he is + & you are not, that may also be reason to be concerned about infidelity. As you said you have worked thru this with professional help, I admire your determination here.

As much as it may be not advisable to desert an HIV person for the further harm this may cause, I would strongly suggest that you guys visit with that shrink again & discuss your dilemna at the moment.

You have explained all your fears & misgivings here quite well so keep this in mind at your consultation. I am sorry over the loss of your child though, & really hope that you're addressing that as well.

Over & above that, at the end of the day, it is your decision, & you would know where you would be most comfortable.

Although some people may not like what I am about to say, My opinion is that you deserve better!!!

Take care Chichi,
Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Your life is not a mess. Sounds like hubby dearest has a mess he might not be able to get out of soon...

My advice: Leave him. You tested negative, and should see this as a sign of your second chance for a life you deserve. Losing your baby must have been devastating, but also happened for a reason.

Do you really want to go around wondering, suspecting and waiting for the next call from one of his children's mothers?

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: bell | 2004/10/28

I'm a teenage mother and i cant deal with it, since i have my baby i can't get on witrh my life. I lonely i have no one to turn to even my mother. I'm a failer studying its the last thing on my mind. I think commiting suicide it's the best solution, please tell me i'm right

Reply to bell

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