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Question
Posted by: Jackadeejack | 2004/10/31

My life

I am a normal (well.. in most ways according to definition) IT student.
Normally computer nerds dont have a social life and their private life stinks (literally). They dont want people and basically live in front of their pc's or mac's (whichever you prefer).

I'm probably one of "those" who cant without people. 2 Days without friends and I'm down. 24h without having seen a friend.. and I feel alone.

I want a girl so dearly that I would give up everything just to have one. The companionship, not feeling alone, not being down. BUT:
(and here comes the interesting part): I never take chances with other people. Girls.. well.. what if she says no? (there are about 200 more "what if's".. but the biggest one is "bugger off.." i.o.w: "no").

So, for 5 years I've been this lone, friends got me through school n stuff, but now it's time to get rid of the loneliness.
What should I do(coz this life as it is now.. kinda stinks)?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

HI Jackadeejack,
You surely do sound like one of the varieties of normal, as well as one of the varietes of computer nerd ( though maybe a rarer variety of that !). Some folks are much more dependent on other people than the rest of us.
One of the CBT books I'm reviewing at present, deals with shyness and social anxiety, and should be right up your street. Pity you've just missed kalahari's 20% off books sale, but it'll come again, I expect.
One tactic is to examine and see how you can live with the worst case scenario. So, you approach a girl and she says No ( well, some ladies have lousy taste, what can I say ? ) OK --- how would you be any the worse off than if you never asked ? And if you ask 10 and 9 say No, but one says Yes ? Aren't you better off ? Only if you convince yourself that it MUSt be a disaster if this happens, does it become a problem.
And excellent advice, so far, from NM and Shaun !

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/01

Hi Jack,

So what if she does say no, in whatever way she chooses, whats the worst that could happen? You self-esteem would take a knock, so what!!! Thats something you can work on, & anyway, after the first NO, you will realise that you will get a few no's but you will definitely get a couple fo yes's as well.
Do you know why? Coz you seem to be a very thoughtful person, & believe me if thats the way you are, you will get some yes's, & maybe from the one's that really count.
It is good to have friends around, but don't be too dependant on them.

I'll give you 2 hints;
1. If you see a girl you like, & would like to approach her, then do it. Confidence is a good thing, so try to show it, even if you think you don't have what it takes.
2. A really gorgeous girl catches your attention but you think you maybe out of her league. Think on this; she knows she looks good, so she probably has about a 100 guys with about a 1000 come-on's that all tell her how gorgeous she is... so she expects you to do the same. Do the opposite, but without dis-respecting her or being hurtful. See, the thing is to catch her attention, & what better way to do it than be unpredictable.

To take a chance Jack, you have to do just that; Take a chance!!!
You won't die. If embarrassed, just say something like; "I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you." Then walk away with a smile & your confidence in check.

Take a chance Jack, you really have nothing to loose, but a whole lot to gain, & be stronger as a result.

Good luck,
Shaun.

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: NM | 2004/11/01

You can start by "casually" inviting a chick to "group activities" - in other words if you and your pals are planning to go clubbing or whatever you can casually say something like "hey, we're going to ... would you like to join us" You will eventually start to get used to this and then you can take it one step futher and ask a lucky lady out on a date. And if she says no, though shit - not EVERYBODY is going to say yes and that's fine. You can't expect to meet the girl of you dreams in front of your PC!!! Come on...just do it!!!!

Reply to NM

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