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Question
Posted by: Insecure | 2007/12/06

My insecurity about Porn

I've known since me and my fiancé has been together that he has porn dvd's. This didn't bother me though, I also like watching these DVD's, although only when we are watching together. I recently realised that he watches porn on the internet at home at least once a day. I'm not really sure why I feel this way, but it makes me CRAZY!! The first time I confronted him with it, he denied it, but admitted to it the second time around. It's driving me crazy thinking that, if he could lie about something so small, is he not lying about anything else?

Please tell me if I'm being paranoid and how I should handle the situation.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Please check out the archives of this forum, for all our previous discussions of porn related issues. You may be over-emphasizing the issue of lying and the expectation of masses of other nasty secrets being hidden --- most people would lie under similar circumstances when embarrassed about something so personal. Watching porn is NOT about you being lacking in any way, nor is it about your sexual relationship with him being lacking, either. If you caught him looking at the delicious pictures in a recipe book, you wouldn't, I hope, assume that this has to mean your cooking is dreadful.
And have you tried calmly discussing these issues with him, rather than CONFROTING him about it ? Discussion tends to lead to discussion, Confrontation tends to lead to denial.
And on Hope*'s point, it seems that many "performers" in porn are exhibitionists who may genuinely enjoy being watched, and not necessarily all compelled by darker forces

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sparanyok | 2007/12/07

and what website is he getting all this from?

Reply to sparanyok
Posted by: A Man Does It | 2007/12/07

Hi Insecure (1 & 2)

I am very glad that I helped a little. I tend to agree with your view that those consume porn oftne do so to understand how things go. Unlike girls, boys struggle to even learn about kissing. I recall reading the encyclopedia for all sexuality related issues.

Hope*,
I think yours is totally different aspect under the topic of pornography. It is not really linked to the issues as raised by Insecure here. I wouldn't provide the same response to your type of issues.

Reply to A Man Does It
Posted by: -|||- | 2007/12/07

Ever faked an orgasm, Insecure ? If you could lie about something so small.........

Reply to -|||-
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/12/07

OK, ever thought about the people who "act" in the porn movies. Why are they doing it? Are they drugged? Are they desperate for money? Don't they care about their bodies being viewed by others in that way? Are they victims of rape, physical abuse, mental abuse or are they forced to do it in some way. Some apparently do it as a stepping stone to stardom. I would say that something of themselves was lost along the way, and this is terribly troubling. I'm sure that only a small proportion of them actually like it. Would these things not be enough to switch someone off watching porn, knowing that it most definitely not a normal practice and that they are enjoying the after effects of someone else's e.g. rape victim.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: Insecure (reply) | 2007/12/07

Thank you for your post "a man does it".

I would firstly like to say that I am "Insecure and Insecure 2 " I posted both these messages.

Secondly, after my posts of yesterday I went to do a little research into why men watch porn, and I read a very interesting article stating that men (and I'm not generalising) do this because, like with taking a bicycle apart, like to know how things work. This makes very much sense to me, I think anybody who is in a sexual relationship would like to heigten their partner's sexual experience by doing research into their partner's sexuality, being either a man or a woman.

Thank you for your insight, what you said is true "Have you not given up even before the actual peril, which by the way may never occur".

I've realised that I can trust him with my life, but as you know we all feel better after talking about something to someone that can see the bigger picture!

Reply to Insecure (reply)
Posted by: A Man Does It | 2007/12/06

I have a feeling that when I feel the way that you guys do, it is entirely because of incorrect expectations and assumptions on my part. I am a man. When I discovered that my wife had bought a vibrator and some adult video cassets, though I knew we have our own collection (2 videos), and that the idea of a vibrator or dildo is exciting, the fact that she bought it behind my back and when we had a marriatal crises felt like a betrayal. May not be a betrayal per se, but that is how I felt as I viewed things from where I and other things stood. And remember that those things "stood" there because I placed them there to remain (in my mind).

May have been a case of we have been getting excited by the idea of porn or vibrator or dildo, but none of us takes the action, and she may have decided to do something and I now feel left behind because in my mind, I was under impression that we'd both go to adult shop and choose. There's probably nothing wrong that these spouses commit. Except it is our own personal view and expectations as fed and informed by our own automatic thoughts and set of expectations, values and beliefs. I wonder if we had properly communicated these ahead of the crises?

I also wonder if we seek to understand the gap in these men that prompts them to want to satisfy themselves with porn? Could it be masturbation? In the olden day people would watch a picture of edgars or jet store's catalogue and help themselves on it. Today technology has advanced immensely. Has our set of values, expectations, perceptions, beliefs etc caught up with the advancing technology? In fact do we agree that masturbation is acceptable for a health men's health?

I am raising these issues because I do not gather any of us to be alleging that these men are chatting with women or men over these porn sites or doing anything illegal in terms of our marriages (child pornography, cheating, sodomy etc) neither do they expect their spouses to behave in an extraordinary manner as influeneced by the said pornographic tendecy. No!

So, what is our problems? Insecured says that he lied because she CONFRONTED HIM about something that she admittedly say that it is petty; yet she had other automatic projections of the petty "crime" or deed. She says, and I quote: "It's driving me crazy thinking that, if he could lie about something so small, is he not lying about anything else?" .... and I say: cross that bridge when you get to it... you are trying to resolve a mystery that has not been committed yet. Would it be fair to suspect your spouse because she works in IT Dept and they have unlimited access to internet and they hold the rules of accesing internet? Would it be fair to project that she probably has a profile on a dating site or she is chatting using today's technolgy and worse she does that with men? What happened to Trust?

Hasn't experience taught us that “the difference between relationships that are built on trust and those that are not, is dramatic” and that “Simply put, trust means confidence. The opposite of trust – distrust – is suspicion. When you trust people, you have confidence in them – in their integrity and their abilities. When you distrust people, you are suspicious of them – of their integrity, their agenda, their capabilities, or track record. It’s that simple.” – Stephen M.R. Covey: The Speed of Trust – The One Thing That Changes Everything.

Insecure 2: plainly the challenge is with you also. Howcome do you have to feel terified that he may pick up some few strokes or tips from watching porn? Is it that you may not rise to it or that you may not be flexible enough to satisfy him and then he may go seek solace from outside? Have you not given up even before the actual peril, which by the way may never occur?

Again, I can't help but to compare this with one partner having problems when his or her partner has wine yet doesn't mind if they both do. What if she or he felt like a glass or two at the time when you don't? What I love about you is that neither says porn is unethical, unreligious (unchristian etc) or immoral. You also consume it. You issues is that you would like them to be thirsty for it at the same time as you. how sweet, naive and unfair?

I once again say, that the major part of the problem is with us, our minds, our expectations, our assumprions and perceptions, as well as our sets of values and beliefs maybe about porn consumption itself or maybe more about freedom and space as applicable in marriage.



Reply to A Man Does It
Posted by: Insecure 2 | 2007/12/06

I think the big thing for me is that I'm scared that he will find our sexual relationship boring after watching this. I'm always up for something new, so its not as if I not approachable in any way.

Curio, why do you feel the way you do?

Reply to Insecure 2
Posted by: MACK | 2007/12/06

INSECURE ,
you shouldnt get paranoid ,but you have reason to be upset.Thats the problem with porn.Ask him why he lies about it, and explain to him why he should be open about it.Porn has the ability to take over relationships and cause break ups ,as some people cant destinguish between fantasy and reality.Seems like the boundaries are unclear to him.Once a day is an addiction ,not only for curiosity or alternative adult fun.Sort this out now,before you are expected to do things you are not comfortable with.

Reply to MACK
Posted by: curio | 2007/12/06

I also feel the same way about my fiance' watching porn on the net. And just like you, i don't mind watching it together. however he just does not understand why I feel the way i do.

Reply to curio

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