Posted by: Candy | 2011/06/30

My husband has no respect for other people

Dear Doc
I suppose there''s nothing I can do about this, but I would love to help my husband, how I do not know. Ok here goes. My husband has no respect for other people, especially when he has money. He feels he does not need no one for nothing, me on the other hand believes we all need someone for something. He does not show you directly, but he always has comments. Examples. This morning I told the our new helper “  Can you please make our daughter some Rice Krispies” . He said to me why did I ask so nice, it''s her job to do it, I must not ask, I must tell. I just said I am so sorry for talking wrong and left it.
Another e.g.. My eldest daughter asked if she could have her cousin over for a few days while it''s holidays and he said no, BUT, when we need them for whatever, he will just rock up and ask for help. Well eventually he said yes, it is fine, but not for too long. But if my eldest go to them, she can stay for as long as she wants to and NO ONE will complain. He uses people, but people cannot ask us for help. I have spoken to him about his attitude a million times but he thinks I am too soft. Even with the milk, the previous helper drank a lot of tea and he felt she must drink black coz we are too nice to people, than we do not have for the little one for cereal in the morning coz she drank too much tea for the day. I told him we not nice, we human. He said yes that is why we never have. Now we both earn ok, but rest assured by mid month we broke as can be. We buy enough food and it will just last till the next pay day. I am really a nice, kind person and will always go out of my way to help others, he on the other hand will NEVER help. I feel he is taking away our blessings coz he is really selfish and has nothing left for the next person. I sometimes think he thinks he is above God. Really I talked to him about it over and over and over and I am trying so very much for him to be positive and see other people as people, but I am not getting anywhere. Please anyone, tell me what I can do to make him be a better person. I pray for him to be humble like me, but really this man is just too much. His own family does not like him coz he believes he is better than them, not too sure about my family as they do not say much. I suggested counseling, NOPE, he does not need it. What can a person do with such a person as I really love him and I feel we can be so powerful and successful if he can just be humble and start respecting people. I am actually embarrassed already coz as soon as we need help, we can ask everyone, BUT NO ONE MUST ASK HELP FROM US. In fact I am sure people call us users already.

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Our expert says:
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Your husband sounds unpleasantly selfish and bad mannered, and this could be helped by proper counselling, but absolutely ONLY if he recognized that there was a problem, really wanted to change for the better, and was prepared to seek help and work properly on the task.
This sounds like a personality disorder, and not an illness. And I doubt whether he thinks there is anything at all wrong with his unpleasant attitude to everyone else.
Sometimes such a person changes, at least a bit, if people stop protecting them from the natural consequences of their bad behaviour, and they run into a crisis in which they see what they have been doing wrong. I suspect that people see that He is a uswer, but that you are not

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jane | 2011/07/01

I wanted to copy and paste but the different is mine does not respect my staff especially when we are around people when its only the two of us he is fine and at times I am just too scared to talk since I am the one contributiing more in the household

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Reader | 2011/07/01

I could have written this post, but mine is slightly different. He tries to be nice to everybody, but when it comes to our relationship, he doesn''t know how to communicate with me. He''s a very good mediator, bringing people together and coming up with solutions for other people''s problems/ relationships, but has no idea how to make his relationship work.

People love and respect him, but in the house he''s a completely different person.

Reply to Reader
Posted by: Liza | 2011/06/30

I''m quite sure that other people call you husband a user too. He won''t go for counseling because he''s in denial about having a problem. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to the water, but you can''t make him drink. The only way for him to see the light is to hit his head - very hard. He honestly needs to learn a lesson, which he won''t unless you do something about it.

The next time he needs help from someone - be very loud about how he cannot use people in this way. It doesn''t help to tell him off when other people ask for your and/or his help. It does however help a lot more to complain when he NEEDS help himself! Try and talk to the people who usually help out and tell them to refuse him if he asks again. He''s honestly like a teenager requiring Tough love! And for goodness sake, don''t ask other people for help on his behalf - because then you''re just enabling his bad behavior!

Good Luck

Reply to Liza

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