Posted by: 1st Timer | 2008/10/17

My hardest decision ever....

I' m finaly leaving her....Its very difficult and i dont even know where i' m gonna start, but i' ll see along the way, Its sooo hurting....
Why must it be liek this, Why is it sooo hurting? What did i do to deserve this? Why?

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The stronger the emotional attachment, the more it hurts when the attachment is broken. If it didn't hurt, then there would have been no relationship worth much in the first place. But one does get over it, sooner than you think, even though right now that might seem impossible

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Our users say:
Posted by: Big Girlo | 2008/10/17 did good thing by dumping him.

Who said biological dads don' t molest or abuse. Let' s not generalise. Your hubby might have been the worst or better creature by now. The reason why you left him then, it' s bcoz you could not take it anymore (I assume). And that' s why he' s called Ex-hubby today. Clearly he could have graduated to the worst or better person.
I was raised by a step dad, who was more than what I wanted from a father. I' m in my 30' s, I still miss him, he passed on.
1st timer...again, yibanomona about yourself. My grandmother taught one thing " senkganang sibe senkimele se nthola morowalo"  (what is not meant for me, makes life difficult for me, is not meant for me" .
My mother says " you can not change a person, but only mould and trim them,they will always go back to what they are" . A person is like a rose tree, you can not change and remove it' s thorn, but can only prone the tree.

Reply to Big Girlo
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17

THank you Coenel! That is exactly what I' ve been trying to say.

Reply to ?
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17

To Girly, my first response was based on what he posted, which in the beginning was a story only about one fight. There was no mention at the time of it going on for years.

And to everyone else, I' ve been saying this in all my posts!. I' m not telling him to STAY in the marriage. I' m telling him to first see a marriage counsellor BEFORE ending it.

But anyway...I' m not trying to argue with any1 here or judge anyone. I just want to know that people out there are really trying their everything in their power to make their marriages work.

Reply to ?
Posted by: Coenel | 2008/10/17

Out of my own experience. If I could have my life over I would NEVER have left my husband, the daddy of my kids. No man can be a dad like the biological dad. There is always problems, one man say you are to easy on the kids and hit them and the other say you must take it easy, the other watch your daughter while she is bathing or molesting her, it just never stop......
So I say YES!!! Do it for the kids as well as for yourself. Go for counselling do what ever it takes!!! My dad and mom did it for the kids and today they are still together and goiing for 40 years of marraige.

Reply to Coenel
Posted by: Anon also | 2008/10/17

No ?, I don' t agree with you. He SHOULD leave that bitch for the sake of the child. NEVER EVER stay because of child. That child will grow up in love less marriage and home and see how his parents treat each other and think it is normal and that' s how it should be. It is never nice to raise a child in a split marriage, but you know what, it has never killed any child. He/she will get love and care and support from both sides rather than living in the bickering and shouting and resentment that would happen around him all day long if the parents stay together.

1st Timer. You WILL find love again. Stronger that this one, where the woman you are will will appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. You married a child this time, next time you will marry the woman, they lady, that you deserve.

Good luck, we will all keep you in our thoughts as you go through this as many of us have walked this same path. You WILL get over it, the hurt WILL go away and you WILL find love again.

Best of luck to you my friend.

God Bless!!!!!!!

Reply to Anon also
Posted by: Girly | 2008/10/17

According to my analysis,this guy has seen it all.He is the one wearing that shoes,not us.He has tried everything its just that he wont tell all here on the net.He is fed up and needs out.

And wena ?...before u respond,understand then respond.Ur very quick to judge and call this " one stupid fight" ...because its not u wearing that shoes,u have a big mouth.

Reply to Girly
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17

Big Girlo. I hear what you' re saying completely. And it' s very true. You have to put your happiness first, And yes, you don' t want to bring your child up in an unhealthy environment.

What I was saying is that he should try seeing a marriage counsellor, or try all measures before ending the marriage. If at the end of it all, i.e after seeing marriage counsellor and trying all options, the marriage still fails, THEN they should look at divorce.

If the marriage works, and everyone is happy - great stuff. If it doesn' t work after trying everything, and you get divorced, at least when your child grows up, he/she will be appreciative of the fact that you both tried to make it work.

I was not trying to say that you should stay in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of your child - just that you should try to make it work 1st before ending it. I guess my post came across the wrong way.

Reply to ?
Posted by: sideways | 2008/10/17

If you know in your heart that you have tried your best to make it work and yet it still isn' t right and never will be then you are doing the right thing. You can' t flogg a dead horse. You will get over it and you will move on if you choose to. It' s ridiculously difficult but it will eventually pass. Good luck. God bless

Reply to sideways
Posted by: Big Girlo | 2008/10/17

Hi 1st timer...

I agree with ? when she says it' s too soon for you to make such a decison over such a matter. I would say, let the emotions cool down, discuss with wife when everybody is sober minded. Involve family elders or go counselling.

What I disagree on..." do it for your child" . No don' t do it for your child, do it for yourself and your marriage. We tend to stay emishadweni or relationship for the wrong reasons, one of them is the lame excuse of our kids. That does not mean if you separate or divorce, it depends on the level of maturity of the parties anyway, you' re dumping your child.
I would rather have my daughter living with me happily as a single parent, rather than living as family(dad/mum), since most of us see family as the best way to be considered happy, successful, soberminded, comfortable and having direction in life by sticking to an unhealthy relationship.
There is nothing as hurting like exposing your child to the anymosity between parents.
If you can hear the stories the friends to my daughter relate to her about their parents, what them as kids go through, how they wish they had a single parent. But because their parents stuck to the relationships or mariiages bcoz of the kids, which are so frustrated.
1st day you' ll tell your daughter that you stayed in that marriage for her sake, expect this answer " you did it for yourself, not me, I never asked you to do it. If you loved me so much daddy, you would have not brought me up in this f********d up enviroment. By then you' d be having no choice but ukuhlala with that old mean, ungrateful mid40' s wife.
We sometimes have to be selfish in life, have an " I come first attitude" , but yes consder those you care about as well.

Reply to Big Girlo
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17

Then foe the sake of your child PLEASE work through it. Don' t just give up like this. Have you seen a marriage counsellor. Why not try that 1st. When your child grows up - he/she is going to start asking questions about what went wrong. Your child will want to know that his/her parents tried everything that they could to make it work. Wouldn' t you want to be able to tell your baby that mummy &  daddy tried very hard? Can you imagine what a difference it will make, in comparison to telling your kid that " mum &  dad just didn' t get along" ! Your child will feel better about the divorce knowing that you guys tried everything possible.

Go see someone...for your child.

Reply to ?
Posted by: anon | 2008/10/17

please don' t leave her, try and work things out, tell het how you are feeling, get councelling, don' t just give up.... I' ve been married for 12 years and things have also not been the most wonderful thing on the planet, but we love one another enought to try and work things out..... it' s worth it, if you are hurting that bad, ask youself if you are really ready for this drastic measure???? remember your voves... focus on why you love her, and not on the bad things....

Reply to anon
Posted by: 1st Timer | 2008/10/17

This is not something that happened over night. we' ve been together for about 5 years....there are sooo many things that happened during the years, i just didnt mention them...
we have a 2 year old together,

Reply to 1st Timer
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17 want to divorce your wife because you guys had ONE big fight, and because she didn' t cook your food and iron your clothes? Am I reading wrong?

1st we overtaking America with our obesity rate. Looks like we also going to overtake them with our divorce rate - because people are too damn lazy to try &  work through it!

And why is everyone supporting him? Did I miss something here? Did your wife cheat on you? Did she lock you up and deprive you of living? Did she take your kids away from you? No! You guys had one stupid fight! Not enough reason to get divorced!

Makes me sad to see how marriage has become something that people just take for granted. Go see a marriage counsellor for heavens sake before making any rash decisions.

Reply to ?
Posted by: Girly | 2008/10/17

1st u have any kids with this woman?

Reply to Girly
Posted by: smile | 2008/10/17

Iam so sorry,you must be hurting like hell but if you think its the right decision then who are we to talk.
I didn' t think it was going to be so soon are you sure its the right thing to do,but any way we are here for you, to get you through this difficult moment.

Take good care of your self(in every darkness there' s light on the other side).

Reply to smile
Posted by: Rihanna | 2008/10/17

It must have been very difficult? Be strong and take heart that you are not the only one who went through it and came out strong on the orther side. Big ups!

Reply to Rihanna
Posted by: An | 2008/10/17

I recently made the same dicision after a seven-year relationship... it is so very tough, but it does get better.

Good luck!

Reply to An
Posted by: OZA | 2008/10/17

Hang in it gets easier everyday time is the great healer, and if your young its even easier.

Reply to OZA
Posted by: v | 2008/10/17

Strongs... Do let us know how she took it... It is going to be hard for her as welll

Reply to v

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