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Question
Posted by: T | 2004/12/08

MY CHILD'S USELESS FATHER

Hi,

Please can you try and assist. I'm going to try make this short, sweet & to the point.

My daughter's father & I split about 3 1/2 years ago, and we share a beautiful daughter of almost 5. When I fell pregnant, he said to me, my mother and his sister that he was NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING A KID, BUT THAT HE WOULD FINANCIALLY SUPPORT IT!!!

We did try the relationship, however, it just didn't work, it ended up being a bit violent, so I decided it was time to call it quits. He was the laziest person ever, he never ONCE bathed her, changed her nappy, fed her or ANYTHING of the sort... anyway, after we split up, i didn't hear from him for a year... then he phoned me one day, CRYING his heart out (can you believe the cheek) saying he's sorry for neglecting his child, and wants to try sort things out with our daughter and see her and blah blah blah... anyway, of course I agreed to give him another chance for the sake of my daughter. He saw her ONCE and then disappeared for a few months again.

He then phoned again, saying how sorry AGAIN he was, I mean really... and that I must give him one more chance... Lets just say that this has been going on and on for a few years now... I phoned a child phsycologist who suggested I don't tell my daughter that that man is her father when she sees him again until I see that there is an improvement from him, otherwise if it carries on like this, it'll destroy my little girl later in life, so that's what I have done.

He saw her in January last, and that was the last time i heard from him, until a STUPID sms the other day, "Dear T, just wanted to know if you are still alive and if this is still your no. Want to talk to you about Xmas. I want to make things right between us please for K". I'm sick of hearing this and don't know what to say or do anymore... I haven't replied and refuse to...

What do you suggest I do? I have allowed him to do as he pleases for the last few years, and want to put a stop to it NOW... and need some help in doing so...

Is there anything LEGAL I could possibly do? Yes, he does pay me maintenance, but I don't want it, I'd rather battle a bit, so if I get that taken away, is there something I can do legally?

Also, from a "childs" perspective, what do I do for my little girl? She's the one suffereing, him in and out all the time, and I'm sick of him doing this to her. When he has seen her, he's cried INFRONT of her, which makes her play up on me, and I get LIVID (putting it MIDLY)... gggrrrrrrr just typing this is making my blood pressure BOIL... I don't want this man near my daughter and want to know what I can do... (besides move to another country, which I'm seriously thinking just to get away from him)...

Please help urgently!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

T, sounds like you really need a good legal opion and discussion of your legal options, though it's not entirely clear what you want here --- you say he DOES pay maintenance ( no benefit to you or the child in trying to do without that ). Maybe counselling could help you decide. But it sounds as if the main thing that's concerning you is his blow hot / blow cold, on and off relationship with you and the child. Certainly for him to weep in front of her could only be confusing to her. Maybe make one last attempt to discuss all this with him, and insist on a decision. Either he maintains a consistent even if infrequent presence in her life, and it hardly sounds as if he's capabl;e of this, or he would probably do better to stay away from her and maybe think of some therapy / counselling for himself. You might not find it hard to persuade a court to grant an order preventing him from mischievous and upsetting random visits to her.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: DM | 2004/12/09

Simply change your number

Reply to DM
Posted by: annie | 2004/12/09

Just Ignore his last SMS
He asked in the SMS if it's still your correct no, so he is not sure if it is.
So just keep quiet , maybe even change your number.
He probably forgot about the SMS already and not really interested in making this work

Reply to annie
Posted by: T | 2004/12/08

BY the way, we were never ever married, and she carries my surname.

Thanks for the replies so far, it's just so frustrating, I cannot even begin to try explain...

Reply to T
Posted by: Susan | 2004/12/08

I agree - he will never change and plays on your emotions 'cos you have compassion and you are nice to him when he pleads for another chance, etc. Men like that know they can mess around emotionally with woman who have given them chances. I wouldn't even go for legal advice because it sounds like he disappears for long periods of time anyway. I would still collect the maintenance though. I hope it turns out ok.

Reply to Susan
Posted by: Liza | 2004/12/08

Yip - go get legal advice. I'm quite sure that you can legally prevent him from ever seeing her again whilst still getting maintenance each month (hey - every little bit usually helps).

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Bee | 2004/12/08

Don't do this to your daughter any longer. She's better off without him. Ignore the SMS from this useless person who doesn't even deserve to be called her father. If he annoys you, then you can take legal action.

Reply to Bee

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