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Question
Posted by: Astro | 2003/12/17

My child's biological father

When I fell pregnant I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because in the time we had been together he had not worked and I could not afford to look after him and a child.

I have recently become engaged to another man who has been involved in my daughters upbringing since she was 13 months old, she is now nearly 5. Her biological fathers name is not on her birth certificate as he did not want anything to do with her as he was involved with another women.

What I need to know is when is the right time to tell her that the man she knows as her father and who has been a father to her in every sense of the word since she can remember, is not actually her father. I don't want her to hear from somebody else out of vengence or spite.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Astro,
There's obviously no universal law about this. One good answer is: the right time to tell her is when she asks ; as lying to her or fudging the issue wouldn't help at all if she were asking. Two modifiers for that/ One is she may have so clearly assumed that he's her dad, that she might not get around to asking, in which case one would need to take the initiative yourself, then maybe better when she's a bit older, maybe around teenage years, but any nearly relevant conversation on her side may give an earlier opportunity ; and the other would be your regference to someone else telling her out of vengeance or spite. Now, there may be no such person who one could anticipate might do so ; or there could be a specific someone who well might do it. If it seemed reasonably likely ( eg biological father starting to enquire about seeing her again, then you'd want to raise te matter with her yourself.
By 5 she's old enough to understand, and one;s message would be about the facts, but including the fact that her dad is a special dad who chose to have her as his daughter, so much did he love her and her mother.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Astro | 2003/12/21

This is to shame,
You have chosen the appropriate nick name, you should be filled with shame, if I was your parent i would feel shame on your behalf.

what are you? some kind of sexually deprived 12 year old, wake up and smell the coffee.

obviously you have no life considering you go from message to message replying in a totally obsene manner - always sexually related, out of all the people requesting help on this site, you are the one who needs it most. But then again maybe you also just don't have morals and values and have no objections to sponging off those around you (if anyone ever wants to be around you).

The sperm donor for my daughter raped and beat me up when I was three months pregnant because i told him that i could not afford to look after him and a child and that i would need his support and he refused to work his reason being that why should he work when there was food on the table everynight and the rent was being paid.

You are short sighted, ignorant and don't know the first thing about life, yours or mine, you are very quick to classify me as a slut, little do you know that i am nearing 30 and have only slept with 3 men (my daughters father included obviously), I lost my virginity to a man I loved deeply when i was 18, I had been going out with him for 18 months. Don't be so quick to judge, the lord judges to and your day of judgement will come to you, I would love to be the one reading out that judgement, you are not worthy of life, in heaven, hell, or on this earth. you seek out people who are mature enough to realise that they have a problem and are ready to seek help for it and slander and turn their problems and misfortunes into a game of sex.

You need to catch a wake up, remember what you do unto others will come back to you seven fold I would hate to be in your shoes the day you need help, you deserve everything that is coming to you.

Oh, by the way, the only thing my fiance sees, is what is there, true love, great sex (I swallow to), endless times of laughter and be both have companship and a love so deep few are blessed to ever experience it, i know you definetly won't.

Reply to Astro
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/19

p.s shame hopefully the new year can bring you some happiness i really think you need it God bless

Reply to eve
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/19

my darling no one would be able to afford my services and who said i encouraged anyone to leave their unemployed partner open your eyes and read instead of your legs.... lastly GROW up, you awfully biiter for a human...start believing in God and maybe you will find some happiness if you allow yourself!!!!! have a merry christmas

Reply to eve
Posted by: Shame | 2003/12/19

Even if I were a Slut,at least I dont encourage people to dump their partners because they are unemployed.Anyway,I don't expect you to admit that you are a SLUT,becoz I know you are one(judging from your cheap behaviour).So If u were to become a proffessional Prostistute (if not already) how much would you charge? R5/R10(I'M SURE U NOT WORTH MORE THAN THAT,ARE U?)

Reply to Shame
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/19

sweetie i am no slut and you know what it takes one to know one so you must be the head of sluts no matter what sex you are, you definitely have a disgusting mouth on you no wonder you bored with your life!!!! so go get one and stop calling people names!!!! You really awful

Reply to eve
Posted by: Shame | 2003/12/19

Oops,I see more SLUTS are joining in.The only way you SLUTS can help me is by giving me your Pu*sy..I mean..thats your specialty,but I'm afraid I wont be getting anymore once I'M UNEMPLOYED.RATHER GIVE TO THE DONKEYS!!!!

Reply to Shame
Posted by: Melon | 2003/12/19

Nice one Eve!!!!! Help is needed

Reply to Melon
Posted by: eve | 2003/12/18

shame you definitely have issues, its nice to have your opinion but tere is no need for name calling especially when you dont know the real situation. So why dont you back off a bit, its not nice calling people sluts thats very rude... dont take your problems out on others rather ask us to help you!!!!

Reply to eve
Posted by: Shame | 2003/12/18

Hey you little Sluts(J and Mo).How can you mislead this other Slut to think what she did was noble.Since there are so many of you,I think you must form some kind of a SLUT FORUM or a strip show(if u know what I mean....) For that,you won't need an employed spouse he?

Reply to Shame
Posted by: mo | 2003/12/18

This message is for a full Shame. How can you attack people like that? This forum does not belong to you kip your stupid remark to your self you buffoon. She mentioned him not working for two year you look at it literally but think about the character of the person whom does not work and I assure you this was not his only minus. a child need an environment where he is cared for and supported, some times love is not inaf an alcoholic beets his wife out of love, love does not feed nor close the child love is a filing and how that filing expressed is dependent on the individual clearly in this case you have no idea what you talking about SO PISS OFF AND GO AND ASK YOUR QUESTION IN A FORUM WHERE CHEAP PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF ARE WELCOME.

Reply to mo
Posted by: J | 2003/12/18

Obviously Shame does not know what you have been through. I also did mot continue to be in the relationship with my son's father for similiar reasons on top of his lies.
You will know when to tell her, you will know when the time is right. Some people can be mean and spiteful, and will probably tell her. Remind her that he loves her, so do you. Children are more accepting these days because they are more exposed to step-families than previous generations werre, but this does not make it any easier.

Reply to J
Posted by: Shame | 2003/12/17

All I can tell u is that u should be ashamed of yourself becoz you broke up with the father because he was unemployed.You clearly have very little clue of what love really is(if at all).As your child grows up,she will see right through you.I also hope that the man you are currently involved with, sees through you as well coz as soon as he becomes unemployed,you'll dump him too!!SO PISS OFF AND GO AND ASK YOUR QUESTION IN A FORUM WHERE CHEAP PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF ARE WELCOME.

Reply to Shame

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