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Question
Posted by: KMR | 2005/07/01

My child

I posted sometime ago about me having a child very young, who has been raised by mom since birth, and now they dont seem to want to let go despite me having a job, house and capable of taking the child. The child is on holidays, and asked them if I could take the child. They agreed on condition that my younger sister comes along to look after her whilst I am at work. Everything has been fine until yestersday when my mom came to JHB (I stay in PTA) unannounced. It seems to me that the intention was to do her staff in JHB and then come to PTA to fetch my daughter and my sister.

I then asked this morning that she stays, even if my sister goes back home its fine, I will take her with me to work this morning, my boss wont mind... and then I'll take her back to my parents on sunday. She made a fuss about it, and called me sick and that I want to traumatise the child unnecessary. Why cant she just go back. She say that I have made other plans etc etc without telling them and I am inconviencing them. I am so hurt and just said, she can take her for all I care. I mean is it wrong for me to want to spend time with my child. I am working and I cant go home often and this is the only opportunity I have with my child. She said why dont I go home with them and get to spend time with the baby there? But I need my own space with my child. WAS I wrong.

Purple and Nina I know you guys were helpful the last time pls if you are there respond. I dont know if you still remember my original post.

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Our expert says:
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Of course here's nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your child. It sounds as if for some reason your mom really doesn't trust you to be able to cope with the child --- maybe she doesn't recognize the extent to which you have changed since earlier problem times ? Get good legal advice, maybe from the local law School's free law clinic. Purple, as usual, makes a whole lot of good sense. I really doubt that she has the right to refuse you access to your own child, and it sounds as if you have transformed your situation so as to be much better able to care for the child well. Nina's suggestion of getting advice from a local ( to you ) child welfare worker might help, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2005/07/01

KMR, I think that Lady Nina's suggestions are good and that you should perhaps follow this route.

Don't give up on your daughter, in the end, she will be glad you fought for her.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: MeToo | 2005/07/01

Tomorrow morning i am going to parents place and I am taking my daughter back, I have made a decision not to sit back anymore. If it means by the end of it all I wont have a relationship with my parents so be it I still have my aunts who support my wanting to raise my child and a very encouraging grandmother. She know how responsible and caring I am to my duaghter and will not do anything stupid to mess up her life.I guess maybe my parents dont believe in me. I have tried everything and I am at a desparate stage.

Reply to MeToo
Posted by: MeToo | 2005/07/01

I am going through the same thing as well, my daughter is turning 6 in a couple of months time, they wont let me have her during her school holidays. I have a good job at a good company with a day care facility and everything. My bf (who is the father of my child plus the one I am carrying now) and I live together and have been a couple for nearly eight years. We dont just want to get married for our parent's sake because our relationship is beautiful as is but my parents use that as an excuse not to have our daughter. In January my daughter came to stay with us but because I was experiencing problems with my pregnancy my mother asked if she could have her for the easter holidays and since then I haven't been able to get my child back.

I am suppose to be going through a great phase in my life, my b/f is proving well for me and my daughter, I have a great job with a great boss, I am pregnant and we are having all these plans about our future.
My parents just wont let me be a woman, they treat me as a child because I am not married yet. I cant drive 5 hours every two weeks to see my child. I have spoken to my grandmother and she has tried to talk to my parents but nothing gets to them.

I dont want to go the legal route as yet but how do I let them know that I appreciate all that they have done for me but they need to let me be the adult in my child's life. My daughter knows that we are her parents and call us mommy and daddy do she is not confused about that but it's so difficult talking to her over the phone time and time again because it hurts when I have to say goodbye.

Reply to MeToo
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/07/01

hi there

it's must be so hard for all of you

all i can say is that when emotions are high,no one htinks clearly and no one can be objective.. so you have to get outside help, someone who can be objective and look at the bat interest of the child

why don't you go and see a welfare worker and let her asses the situation and then make rules all of you can live by

or els go and speak to someone your parents will respect eg a minister or pastor or uncle or granny

you can't solve this from where you are at the moment

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: KMR | 2005/07/01

I havent signed up any guidainship to them, they just helped me and give me an opportunity to go back to school whilst taking care of her. I have always been compromising mainly because I respect them for not deserting me or forcing me to have an abortion. My child is 4 and I am 25, have a house, well paying job, I mean everything. For now all I was asking for is time with my child, but she so refuses, citing all sort of excuses. This also applies to my bf who is the father, he is so restrained from seeing the child, as we are not married, and the only option if he wants to see the child is for him to go to their house and see the child. Its really unfair sometimes coz he is also working and cannot do that all the time. I have really had it with them and I have made a decision that they can have her for all I care. The day they are tired of raising her they should just let me know, I will take care of her, even if its after 20 years. My child doesnt even know me, she thinks I am her sister and even when she was here she refused to sleep with me, and insisted that she wanted to sleep with my sister. The only time she agreed is when I bribed her with a chocolate, IS THIS FAIR!!

Thanx for ur replies!

Reply to KMR
Posted by: Purple | 2005/07/01

Hi,

yes, I remember your previous post.

Your mother is being very manipulative and using a sort of emotional black mail on you.

You are not going to traumatise your child. How can living with her mother who loves her traumatise her.

Let your mother have her rant and rave. Listen, but don't speak (hum or sing a song in your head - not out loud if it helps). When she has finished and calmed down, don't answer her on a point by pont basis (she is unlikely to say anything new anyway), respond that you have given the matter a lot of though and that you are keeping your child, you will make your own child care arrangements like all other working mothers do and that this will be the end of the matter. Tell her that if she continues to try to interfere in your parental right to care for your child that you will get legal advice on the matter, but that you really don't want to have to do this.

She will probably interrupt you as you speak. When she does, just let her shout or argue, and then when she has finished, just carry on speaking from where you left off.

When you speak, speak softly (just above a whisper), this should make her drop her voice a little too. Be calm and speak clearly.

It might take you an hour or more to get your sentence out, but your mother will eventually get the message.

At least things have taken a small step in the right direction if your child at least came to you for a holiday even if your sister was with you.

I'm thinking of you. I really hope things turn out right and that your child does stay with you.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Star | 2005/07/01

I agree, fight for your child! Did your mother addopt your child? Then she doesn't have any say. How old is she now? I don't think I read your original posting.

Reply to Star
Posted by: KC | 2005/07/01

I agree with Lola.

How can your mopther want to cause you so much pain? Yes, they took care of her, but surely they want their grandaughter to grow up with her mother??

Get legal help, and take your child back...i'm asuming you didnt sign guardianship over to them??

Reply to KC
Posted by: Lola | 2005/07/01

Your mother has absolutly no right to take your child away from you without your consent. Don't ask her if you canhave your child. Tell her that thats the way it is going to be full stop. Get legal help if need be. Fight for your cihld, your mother is the sick one.

Reply to Lola

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