Posted by: Hlubi | 2009/04/16

My abused mind

Hi All,

When I 13, I relocated and stayed with my father, step mother and my 4 siblings, my step mom sold liquor from our living room, she quit her job as a social work because she used to travel, and every time she was away my father would sleep around with some of the women who came to the house to drink alcohol. My father became depressed of having to fit the bill on his own, started cheating on my step mother, my step mother became a strong gambler and would loose big money everyday, we would go hungry, as the oldest child I would be thrown from pillar to post when asking for money to buy bread.

My father would then beat up my step mother till she couldn’ t stand nor see her eyes would be so swollen, my father said he was beating her up because she was sleeping with the men who came to drink beer, beating her up cos she lost all the money at the horses with her gambling, beat her up because he was frustrated he couldn’ t bring his friends home to chill because it was a liquor house.

My brothers became violent and there would be reports from school that they had beat up other kids, my one sister was accused of cheating at her exam and she beat up other kids as well, all I’ d do was write it on my diary.

When I was 14 I met my 1st boyfriend, by the time I was 16 he was already pestering me to sleep with him, telling me he couldn’ t wait another day, he then got too aggressive as time went on and he bit me up, I hid this from my parents although they had knowledge of this I lied and told them that I have broken up with him. He later died of a car accident, I felt little pain and didn’ t share this with any one.

When I was 17 I met a man who was 11 years older than me, this man told me he loved me I believed him, two months into our relationship he’ d already forced me to sleep with him although I told him numerous times I wasn’ t ready, he’ d accused me of seeing other man, stopped me from meeting with my friends and beat me up for no reason all. I tried breaking up with him, but instead he locked me up for a week and wouldn’ t let me go home, he’ d beat me up, tie me to a chair, leave for work and would threaten to kill me if I did anything tricky, he repeatedly raped me every night. My parents reported the me missing to the police but the police refused to act saying teenagers normally disappeared and reappeared and that they can be assured I will reappear, the guy was never arrested. After that odeal, he told me he did that out of love as I wanted to be away from him, I leaved in fear for months after that as he’ d fetch me from school forcefully and if I refused to cooperate he told me he’ d beat me up infront of the school kids and embarrass me, this happened for a while until I moved away and finished school and he couldn’ t reach me anymore.

I’ m now 28yrs old, I spend most of my days in nightmare state where I find myself think or creating scenarios in my mind where a man, any man would tell me he loves me then abuse me and beat me up, these scenarios are imaginary and it could be any man in my imagination, I realise that once I’ m in that state, I switch to a bad mood, and can’ t really cope with day to day life, and feel like what I’ m imagining is for real. I am married with two kids, my husband is not and abusive person, when I think sometimes I start arguments that turn really bad, I feel like I’ m hungry for my husband to beat me up, I feel that I need for him to beat me up to turn my imagination to reality, I have even shoved and pushed him and even slapped him in or for him to aggressive towards me..I don’ t know how to come out of it, but am sure its going to destroy what I have with my husband.

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Our expert says:
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Hello Hlubi,
What a sad story, and how much you have had to cope with, from a young age. You have had horrible experiences of abuse and neglect. What you really do need and deserve, is to see a good psychologist / counsellor, to help you work through all that has happened to you and especially the unhelpful ways you are sometimes reacting to it, so you can free yourself from unpleasant effects of what happened, and free to enjoy yourself and your marriage. And yes, some joint sessions with your husband and the counsellor would be useful, too. Check with Lifeline, Depression/Anxiety Support Group and FAMSA, maybe even POWA, to find an affordable and experienced counsellor you can reach

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009/04/16

You had a really crappy childhood through no fault of your own. Your only mistake being in trusting untrustworthy people. And even that isn' t your fault. Just be careful - the abused can become abusers if they don' t get help. So get help! Definitely some counselling for yourself, and then counselling with your husband so that he can understand and to improve the communication between you.

If you can afford counselling, see a psychologist. If you can' t afford counselling, go to FAMSA, call LifeLine, even the Depression and Anxiety helpline. The latter will also be able to refer you to a good psychologist in your area.

Good Luck - you deserve it!

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