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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2007/04/03

Move In or Move On

Bf and I went through a rough patch where he cheated on me. We broke and are back together, the problem is when we got back together I wanted answers that I never got and then he said we should leave the past where it is and move on. But the feelings are always back and he says that he has changed but how do i know if this is true. He still e-mails women and it hurts me because why does he have to talk with someone else, I told him that if he lied to me about it then he was cheating he then told me that I think cheaply of him. He asked me to move in and i was going to it this weekend but now I'm not so sure.

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Our expert says:
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Relationship counselling ! He shouldn't need to be emailing other women. ANd relationship counselling BEFORE moving in.

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Our users say:
Posted by: JJ | 2007/04/04

Hi Confused

I am currently in the exact same situation. My boyfriend cheated, he kissed three girls at a party he was at. Then he said he had changed and would never do that to me again and then.. he asked me to move in with him. Joy is right, the pain will consume you.

I always wanted answers and we would fight and fight all the time and it reached a point where we physically fought, I would be jealous of every girl that was in sight and eventually instead of talking about this to me he turned his back and cheated on me again, a year after moving in together.

This time blatently lying to me and rejecting me, so I decided we should call it quits since he refused to break up with me but wanted to be with other women at the same time. Eventually we got over that period and guess what, I moved back in with him again!

It has been 3years now and the pain still exists, the questions still pop up and no I can't just get bover it like he always suggests I should. So basically its a cycle of pain, wanting revenge yet loving someone. What hurts most is that when he does things with these women he always manages to be on good terms and maitain some sort of relationship wit them and I'm always the one who is sidelined and looks like an insecure lunetic who is always trying to keep him away from these women, yet he calls them behind my back and in the end I'm the idiot.

One day I hope to gain the courage to walk away but it is hard because he hasn't hurt me in a year now and seems to genuinely have changed but who knows what the future holds. But if ypu don't get answers or some sort of reason why, you won't be able to move past this because of the fear of him waiting for you to have your guard down and then doing the same thing again.

Its up to you and how you feel, this is just my story and it started out in a very similar way to the story you have just told above.

Good luck

Reply to JJ
Posted by: :) | 2007/04/04

Confused, seems like your bf is a happy chappy. He is doing what he wants , continuing with things that make him happy. I guess, he realised that he was unhappy when you left him. So to sort his life out he got you back into his life to make sure he is Happy again.

Problem is , he will do everything and anything to keep you in his life to make sure he is not unhappy. This time around, Decide, what will make you happy, do you honestly think he willl change his ways(causing him unhappiness) just to please you. As you can see he is thinking of himself. And doing what he needs to do FOR HIMSELF, dont think expect him to CHANGE just for you.

So, think of yourself , either accept that he is doing what is best for him and accept it....if you dont like it(which I assume you dont) move on! Realise that he is doing what he needs to do , to keep you with him. (only for his happiness) Your unhappiness is a sign.
Take the hint , YOUR UNHAPPY.His behaviour is a primary cause.... ..you in a fire, burning, you going to stay there and roast even further??????Your choice

Reply to :)
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/04

You know Confused, you cannot move on unless you sort out your past issues. He'd like to think he's in the soapies and say stuff like "lets leave the past in the past" and then you must fall lovingly into his arms and you guys must stare deep into each others eyes and simply move on! But reality is, those concerns you have will ALWAYS creep up! Even after you've moved in with him and it's a year or two later. Eventually that distrust and your feelings of insecurity will consume you to the point of self-destruction. Dont do this to yourself! I think you KNOW that you shouldnt be doing this, yet you're inlove and are grown and want to commit to something more stable and mature. But the truth is, you're not ready, and neither is he! He's just looking for a live-in lover who can cook, clean and have sex with him on demand. Sort out your issues before you make that move dear!!! Moving in together and not being married brings on a whole handful of drama, that i dont even want to get into right now! Been there, and done it! Just dont do it!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: FG | 2007/04/04

Do not move in with this man under any circumstances!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to FG
Posted by: Britty | 2007/04/03

If he really wants a relationship with you this man should be addressing your concerns. I think he is going to cause you a lot of heartache, be carefull.

Reply to Britty

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