Posted by: blackbird | 2004/12/02


real crazy question here, and yes for a change it is a "kop probleem". as some of you know my mother passed away today 2 weeks ago. it all happend very sudenly, was expecting my father to pass on before her, but ja.

now here is the question, i get very very sad when i go to my dad and mom's place and see all her stuff and the kitchen and and you know, like you go to your folks house and expect to see them both, but only one of them. last night i spoke to my dad on the phone and when i said goodbye i nearly said "en stuur groete vir ma".

here is my question, i still have to remind myself that my mother is gone, i get sad when i go to their house, but apart from that i have not realy broken down yet, i have mourned my mother as yet, i have to tell myself all the time she is gone.

a friend mentioned that i'm a very hard person cause he would have cracked up by now. but i dont know, maybe i'm in denial ...or will it hit me real hard later...

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Our expert says:
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Gosh, blackbird, that is so darn normal ! Painful, sad, yes, but wholly normal. Sometimes it even goes further than that --- one may walk into the kitchen, and see her sitting at the table as usual, and then think --- "But no, she can't be there ; she died. " and the vision fades. That's close to, but not a hallucination. Or one hears the familiar voice calling, and so on. Actually, a degree of denial, of not fully realizing it ( interesting word that, because when we "realize" it fully, in a way we allow it to become more "real" We vary as to how long it takes, and by exactly what route, for it to become something one fully recognizes, realizes, and then, more slowly, accepts. Whenever there was a real and deep attachment, to anyone, revising one's head so as to adjust to the absence of that person, is hard work. Thus we speak of "grief work". Mourning will come. And of course, part of the "stuur groete" response is habit, and part a lack, so far, of full realization of the fact of the loss.
I agree with Mona, you're not hard, but strong. The difference is significant. And sometimes, without even fully recognizing it, strong people postpone their own grieving, when they have other people to support and help. Let yourself do what your own heart needs, and let the chin-up down when it suits you, as well.
Boys who are not actually tough, but pretending, are scared that anyone might see them cry. REAL tough guys do cry, when there's a good reason.

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Our users say:
Posted by: biets | 2004/12/02

....die rally die naweek..... myle en myle om te dink..... te veel drank.... JY GAAN HUIL BOETIE !

Reply to biets
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/02

Of-course boys cry... remember last time you made some pad-kos with your bike!!!

Nah, you take your time BB, it'll come. Right now it may seem like you don't have the time, or it's not right to, but believe me, you will...

I hear you're having a great weekend to look forward, so look forward to that for now. Remember, take care & have fun.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Mona | 2004/12/02

Of course boys can cry! Makes them human, sensitive and gets rid of all the frustration.

Reply to Mona
Posted by: blackbird | 2004/12/02

thanx to all. and yes i have had to be the strong one, had to do everything for the funeral and everything around it.

it's been hard and maybe because i have had to do all this and "keep my chin up", i have had no time to mourn. suppose i have to take time out sometime, grab a bottle of rum, find a rock somewhere and ball my eye's out...

but then again, i was tought boys dont cry ...

Reply to blackbird
Posted by: Bee | 2004/12/02

I expect you've been the "strong" one for the family at this time. Why should you be? Who assigned you the job as the rock/brick? Take some time off to be alone and mourn your mother. Fall apart if you have to, nothing wrong with that.

Reply to Bee
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/02

Hey BB,

Yes, I have the same sentiments as Mona here, & it is still quite early for you... It will definitely take time to expect that you'd forget to mention things like that.
My Dad passed away about 6 years ago, & my brother about 9 years ago, & I sometimes still have to remind myself that they're not around anymore. But yes I do talk to them sometimes, but mostly now I just feel pride & privilege.

Sorry to hear about your loss BB. Take one day at a time boet. Time will come when you may feel like "breaking-down"... then just let it happen. It may not "hit you" as hard as you may think, you may just really truly miss her & know that the only thing to do is cry.

Right now I think your strength is called for, & that may be what you are displaying...

Just my 2 cents BB...


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/12/02

Ai toggie, dis nog so rou....... al wat ek vir jou kan sê is dat elke mens anders met so iets deel.

Vir my was my pa my hele lewe en dit het my 2 jaar gevat voor ek kon aanvaar en ophou ween as ek van hom praat....

Dit vat lank ou Bok en ongelukkig met tyd alleenlik kom aanvaarding.

Sterkte xXx

ps. ek's seker jou pa het verstaan.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Mona | 2004/12/02

I wouldnt say you are a hard person, i think you are strong, you handle tragedy very well. Like a support brick for the rest of the family. When someone dies, i dont think it quite hits you until the funeral, and then after that it seems to settle down, after saying the final goodbyes.

And yes, it will take a while to come to grip with the reality that she is gone, but you can always talk to her, as i'm sure she is looking over you from above!

Reply to Mona

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