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Question
Posted by: Brad11 | 2008/06/23

Mother of my son - how to talk to her ?

Hi,

How do you go about effectively and openly communicating with the mother of your son ?

I am still single and she is now married with more kids. This itself is always a dynamic. For instance, she struggles to make eye contact with myself. There is a natural inclination to create distance, I can appreciate this.

I am starting on the long path of access to my son. The issue of open, honest and amicable communication between the mother and myself, is my concern.

I have read all the posts about the divorced husband and wife financially and emotionally killing each other in court. They only talk via their attorneys. I am not sure if this is a win/win situation in the long term, nor is it good for their children. It is also very expensive.

My concerns are that the mother only seems to talk to me when she wants more money (so she sees me as a bank) or to off load some of her problems etc (so she sees me as a "friend"). She only speaks about herself and asks nothing about myself. She also does not really acknowldge myself as the father. She keeps referring to her husband (maybe on purpose ?) but on petty issues. I just smile. Not a major issue, but makes me uncomfortable.

I try and advise her or give my input on things, but she does not listen or is not interested. I do become frustrated as she only sees the short term (has her in "head in the clouds" sometimes), and I am more practical, analytical and logical and can see the big picture. He world is her kids and not much else exists out of this.

It is a concern as she will have to start to listen and communicate better when it comes to issues about our son.

I also need to tread carefully as not to upset her, but will if I have to, as she had made some really awful decisions in her life. I do not want my son at the end of a really bad decision.

Are there any practical actions that I can take to better manage the communication with her ? How do I get her to also understand that a win/win situation will benefit us both and our son ?

Or, do I need to accept that this most probably is how the situation will be, and need to live with it ? Just listening and been there for her, for now, may improve things later on.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with MK, communication is very difficult unless 2-way, with both wanting to suceed. And its inded a pity that so many adults behave childishly, and in order to annoy their ex would rather compromise their child's best interests. As such a caring dad, hats off to you. Your final sentence probably summarises the most useful approach.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Brad11 | 2008/06/25

Hi All,

Thank you for all your listening, support and advise. I know that I can be a real earful and can go on and on and on. You guys are great !

Reply to Brad11
Posted by: Jenny (aka Nadine) | 2008/06/24

Hi Brad11. I hope you find someone really special one day as you sound like such a nice person. God bless.

Reply to Jenny (aka Nadine)
Posted by: T | 2008/06/23

no, no, no! not an earful, you are a dad who cares. unlike some other males out there

Reply to T
Posted by: Brad11 | 2008/06/23

Thanks T. Yip, I suppose that I must be a real earful. There is a lot going on. But I started to detach myself as these are just side issues and all part of the short term pain and how the story is unfolding.

Thanks MK.
These practicalities are important. I share your frustrations. I am also trying to prevent this situation. When I do have formal access every second weekend, then I most probably will not care to talk to the mother. But I will keep trying.

Reply to Brad11
Posted by: MK | 2008/06/23

My experience tells me that you can try until you are blue in the face to communicate but unless it is a two way street you are wasting your time. I constantly try and communicate with my ex (never about money, more on practical issues like for example when he wants to take our daughter away on holiday in December, so that I can make plans for my holiday which can include her as well) and these communications are met with stony silence. We do not talk to each other, only email. He ignores my phone calls when he can tell it is me on the phone. It is sad, things could be a lot simpler if we could just talk about the little practicalities of life like the 2 mature adults we are supposed to be.

Reply to MK
Posted by: T | 2008/06/23

no advice from me, but i have been reading your other posts. hope it all gets sorted out, you have a good heart

Reply to T

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