Posted by: Noni | 2019/07/16

mother and son toxic relationship

Dear cybershrink, I am a shadow of myself today. Last night I went to son’s (17yrs) room to talk to him about the morning of today. That I will now take him to school and not his dad. And he said he didn’t want me to take him to school that his dad will now take him to school. When I asked why he told me he doesn’t want to talk about it. I reminded him that the reason I started to take him to school is because after he said one of our car is a scrap his dad got so mad and took the statement so personal that he decided he doesn’t want to take him to school anymore. He was saying the boy must start walking to school which is 16km away from home. I had to intervene and start taking him to school. He started saying I should not talk to him and he put his ear phones on and told me to leave him in his room. I told him if you want us to have an understanding he should open up to and tell me things. He then said I will never open up to you. I then left his room and left the door open. A few minutes later he came budging in my room, I was in the bathroom about to brush my teeth getting ready for bed. He was saying why did I have to come to his room and say all the things I said cause he told me dad will be taking him to school. I politely told him you said you don’t want to talk to me so why are you here, please leave. He proceeded to shout at me standing by the door. I them tried to close the door, he pushed and kicked the door and started pushing me around with his fists in my bathroom while his little brother my other son (12yrs) was watching. It was not the first time he pushed me around, and I lost it. I lost everything, I was taken by emotion of anger I even forgot I’m his mom. As he was walking out after he pushed me around I followed him and grabbed a walking stick and I started hitting him. I was thinking I’m tired of being pushed around by this child. I am tired of him treating me like I’m a teenager when I’m his mother. I am tired of him shouting at me like I am a no body. I lost it and I went for him. At the end he was hurt and his dad called the police. I feel so bad for what I have done. I couldn’t restrain myself. I didn’t think as a mother. I didn’t think as an adult. I failed as a mother. I hurt my child. My eyes are swelling with tears as I am typing this. I gave my son a bad memory that will stay with him forever. What I did yesterday will stay with me forever. Yes my marriage is bad and I have other stresses but I should have restrained myself. Help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/07/16

Oh Noni, stuff like this happens, to even the very best of parents.  Teenagers seem to have a remarkable skill for irritating, challenging and tormenting parents ; and may try to project whatever else is scaring and bothering them ( sometimes things they can't explain to themselves, let alone to you ) onto you ; they don't let you help them to feel better, but generously share with you the sense of hopelessness and fury they are feeling. 
A bad parent is less distressed because they care less.  The kid has spent years studying you, and knows exactly what buttons to press to upset you. 
Usually such things work out by themselves, but when the situation has reached such a severe squabble as you describe, it's often wise and convenient, if you can arrange it, to arrange for some family counseling sessions with a good local counselor, with you, your husband and the boy,  to work together to find a better way of handling his current irritations : and this way limits his ability to play one parent off against the other, a common tactic.

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