Posted by: Cheryl | 2009/09/07

Mother and Boss

Dear CS

Please could you give me actual words to use when dealing with these 2 people. They do this to everyone.

Boss - considers him a big Christian (I hate this as it is so hypocritical). I' m quite prepared to burn in hell but at least I treated everyone decently that much I can say...Just one of the issues with him. He likes to argue a person down almost to the point of shouting you down. I have seen one of our Execs swear in total frustration (which I can relate to). He is never wrong. He will argue even if you are 100% right, he has to be right about everything and he has to have the last word or say even if he is wrong. He will ask you something and then argue you done. I am quite cheeky so have put him in his place (and shut him up) but how do you actually deal with this - I am thinking of just being silent and then when he asks me the question again saying something like " I try to explain, but you argue me down so I think silence is the best policy" ???

My mother - has to live with us (hubby and I) due to her financial circumstances. I' m 44 and she just used to walk into my room. I told her repeatedly not to. She said " I am your mother" . We had a massive argument. I said so what, does that mean you don' t have to respect me, respect the boundaries and you think because you are my mother you have carte blanche to say and do what you like whenever you like? She likes to wake me up, repeatedly after I have said night and closed my bedroom door. With " do you want the light off" , something to drink? something to eat?, need help with anything? and the best of all: are you sleeping??? another massive row. She will not listen. But clever. Hubby works shift hours. So all he hears and sees is me ranting and raving. I told her that one of us will have to move if it continues as she is smothering me. I spend lots of time with her, but when it comes to wanting to be on my own she can' t allow me this. You would die laughing, this is me: Ok, going to bed now. Please leave me alone. Don' t knock on the door, don' t tap on the door, don' t push the door open, don' t stick your head in, don' t SMS me (yes she does from her room), I don' t want anything, I want to sleep. Please don' t bang the doors and don' t wake up the entire household and neighborhood taking the dog out (she actually crawls in and out under the security gate herself)...Night now.

I am so aggravated that I have resorted to screaming at her and am irritable all the time. Now I am the abusive so and so.

Thank you CS

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Grrr, I wrote such a nice response to jhis, and somehow lost it, in a web glitch. Let's try to recapture what I was saying.Boss --- ignore him. This is a game he can't play on his own. As soon as anyone argues with him in any way, he wins, and enjoys himself. There may be no overwhelming reason to do whatever he is suggesting, if he's obviously wrong, but no benefit to arguing about it.
Your Mom sounds like she may be feeling redundant and unnecesary, and maybe guilty about knowing she could be a nuisance in staying with you --- and anxious to be helpful, without recognizing that her ways of trying to bwe helpful have become the problem rather than the solution. Try inventing tasks for her to do, as useful as possible, so as not to be too transparent. Let her get you something to eat or drink when you are about to go to bed, and then ask her to help by making sure that nobody disturbs you once you've gone to sleep. Ask her to watch something on TV for you which you're too tired to watch, and tell you what happens in the programme, in the mornin. Ask her to walk the dog at the right time, before the security door is locked ( and by the way, if she and the dog can get under it, does it actually provide any real security? ) And so on.
As one gets older, one may need less slep, and have longer sleepless hours with nothing to do.

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