Posted by: me | 2008/06/10

moody partner

My live-in partner, with whom I have an 18month old child, won't talk to me. I acknowledge that he is going through a difficult time, financially and personally, which I'm sure he'll pull through. But then he has never involved me in any financial matter of his even though we're living together & always claimed how insignificant my own contribution towards the household is.
Anyway, the argument started with something small, we were both wrong and we should be over it by now, but he wrongfully perceived it as my way of exerting some kind of authority, which is not true.
And he's been sulking since then, he hasn't said much to me. He just comes in and out, I don't even know how to talk to him about household issues. He doesn't answer my calls when he's away, doesn't return them, ignores my sms's nor even casually asks why I called when he is home. I even try to find excuses to call him so that I can just talk to him and maybe be nice so we can move past this, but he doesn't take my calls, which is just as well because if he does pick up and i'm calling about something insignificant that i could've just sms'ed, he'll make me feel like I'm wasting his time, on the other hand, I don't even want him to pick up cos i dread having to put up with the sour mood and beg for an explanation.
I've tried to get him to explain exactly what his problem is, asked him if he wants me to move out of his house, yet not a clue so far.
It's such a mission having to even go home, wonder when he's gonna come and what he'll be like when he does come or if he'll say what he's decided about the course of this relationship.
I've tried to get him to talk, and I get so angry that I nag him about what his problem is but then I guess he sees that as more reason to shut me out.
I apologised for whatever my contribution could be to his problems by sms this morning, no response (yet?).
I'm even dreading to go home and go through the tension and wondering. It's been 4 days and I'm tired of the situation and having to change my own moods and sulk or be formal when he's around.
What do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its so sad when an adult behaves as childishly, sulking like this guy. You cannot solve problems with someone who is sulking and wont talk. SO start to ignore the sulking and silence, except for emergencies or very ordinary stuff like offering a cup of coffee. STOP trying so desperately to make up for whatever you may or may not have done. When he stops seeing you squirm in response to his silence, and maybe add some silence of your own, it'll stop beign rewarding to him. Reward him when he starts being adult, talking and pleasant, by responding in the same way.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SWEETLIPS | 2008/06/11


Posted by: ME | 2008/06/11

I posted the same response to someone the other day, we as women make the same mistakes over and over again, thats why men treat us like crap. If he doesnt want to talk to you, leave him, give him the silent treatment back, DONT look for excuses to talk to him, DONT apologise for his mood,DONT sms or phone him with messages to try and make it ok, DONT ask him if he wants you to move out, if you feel you must, then go, dont ask him. Treat him exactly like he is treating you, you'll see he will soon change his tune, unless he is looking for an excuse to make you move out, maybe he is tired of living together

Reply to ME
Posted by: Spokie | 2008/06/10

You have a very unhappy husband, something else (deeper) is wrong with him. It is so sad that the people that loves you are always the people who hurts you most.

Try and sit with him. Set up "rules of engagement" he must understand that he can not mistreat you like this.

Give him the same treatment back, don't be rude but explain that if he does not want to talk to you then you will give him the same treatment, do not turn the other cheeck it is not always right.

Don't be normal when he is around, don't even be there when he comes home, go visit a friend and have a cup of tee or coffee and come home later.

Reply to Spokie

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