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Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/08

Mom not letting go

Had a good weekend until my mom started arguing. I am seeing someone at the moment but it is not a serious relationship yet. But we do like spending alot of time together.

My mom is fighting because she feels that I don't spend enough time with her. She also brings up her past and blames me for it. I tried telling her that I need time to adjust and in time I will be able to give her time as well as this guy.

She does not believe me. I know she is lonely but I can't put my life on hold because of her. She didn't do that when I was growing up and she was dating. I feel its so unfair, all these years I was the adult / mother in our family and my mom was the child / daughter. I was the one that used to be sitting alone at home or get stuck in my room because her boyfriend was there. She was the one that used to spend hours on the phone, which by the way, i used to pay for.

Now when at the age of 27 i have finally decided to live my life, she now wants to play the mother role and tries to stop me from doing what I want. She even threatened to move out of the my house. Before I would have just given in to her but yesterday I told her that if she wants to move out, thats her choice.

I know that we have a serious communication problem, but I just can't talk to my mom. She just doesn't listen when I talk, then she gets upset with me and blames me for everything that has happened in her life. I love her alot but I can't seem to live with her anymore. We managed all this time because I was the one that always compromised.

She is not an easy person to deal with as she has alot of her own issues to deal with but the problem is that she doesn't realise that she has problems. She fights with everyone, her sisters, brothers, parents, aunts as well as me her daughter.

Please any advice on how to deal with this situation. Also anyone know of a good doctor that has experience with this type of problems in the Pretoria area.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand the issues, Suri. Many of us get lonely, but when we let ourselves become too demanding that other people ignore their own needs and lives, and give time to us instead, we're like the drowning swimmer who strangles the lifesaver.
And you're right in recognizing the oriny that often family balances shift, and we the younger generation end up having to "parent" our parents. You are making excellent progress and break-throughs, and must put your own life first. And it sounds as if you have a good counsellor ! I agree with his point. If your mom will listen, explain that sacrificing your own needs in life will be a disaster for you, and won't do her any good either ; but that if you continue to get stronger and more confident and independent, you will be nmore able, freelly, to emotionally support and spend time with her. Maybe very gently, if she raises the point that you're growing up and away from her, you can suggest that she think about getting her own counsellor, to discover and enjoy her own strengths

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/08

Thanx.

I had a session with my counsellor today and he told me the same thing. He also told me something that made alot of sense.

He told me that the only way I could hurt my mom, is by physically hurting her. By me saying or telling her something, its her choice to feel hurt or not. It is up to her to decide how she is going to deal with it. It is not my responsibility.

I feel much stronger, more confident about myself. on Saturday I was with my boyfriend. A friend of his joined us at my boyfriend's place. After awhile this guy's sister turns up. My boyfriend had already told me about her and that she has this crush on him. He also told me that he is not interested in her. She was shocked when she saw me there. My new found confidence gave me the strength to warn her off in a nice way. In the past I would have been the one to back off and felt very insecure about myself. Now I don't feel like that. I still have alot to work on but I have improved.

Reply to Suri
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/08

Hi Suri,

I feel the same as D nice above. It maybe even harder still for your mum as you seemed to have had a break-through that she hasn't been able to put a finger on. She can sense the difference & this maybe scaring her quite a bit. I would say that this is all just a ploy at power-play.
Don't allow yourself to be side-tracked from you newfound individuality. That is something I am personally very proud of you for achieving.

Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: D nice | 2004/11/08

I have a sort of similar situation with my mom am 25 living with my mom,we always clush on issues, i think mom's are scared of you growing up and leaving them behind and moving on with your life especially if there is a guy involve and they can see that you really like the guy and things can get serious.They feel insecure but only if they will tell you how they really feel instead of complaining and finding faults on everything you do.Why don't they try and understand that you are a grown woman,you can make your own decision as well as mistakes.They try so hard to hold on to you that they end up driving you away instead is a never ending story.They always think they are in the right.

Reply to D nice

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