Posted by: miekie | 2011/06/30

Mom-in -law

Good day doc
Lekker cold today! My mom in law is always creating friction between her 4 sons and wifes. She is 86 years, and quite sickly, and stays alone, father in law passed away. She refuses to go to an old age home, cause its only for old people. Between me, husband, sons, 1 brother in law and family we all help her to get by.(paying bills, shopping etc) The problem now is she had a shoulder op, 2 weeks in hospital, 2 weeks in step down clinic and we took her now to her sister who stays in a fine old age home. So she is cared for, cause everyone is working and I''m the only at home. Problem is I have a heart and other medical issues, nor do I have a room for her. I''ve been helping her through all her other ops but can''t anymore.The family expects me to do it. She has this habit of playing us around and it hurts ''cause of all the lying! Pse advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Cold yes, maar nie lekker nie. So a nasty old ma-in-law thinks that at 86, she isn't an old people ? She is being properly cared for right now in a home, if I understand you, but she would rather be a huge burden on you. So what ? You have no duty whatever to make sacrifices to care for her, especially considering your own delicate health. How DARE her family "expect" you to do so ? If they want her to be cared for - why can't they be bothered to do it themselves ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jacqui Melville | 2011/07/01

My humble opinion is just to continue to help her. You don''t need to agree with her but dont do stuff that will leave you with regrets later. You did not mention you age so its unsure what your health conditions are like.

Reply to Jacqui Melville
Posted by: Liza | 2011/06/30

You''re fully within your rights to refuse to care for her. Don''t allow her and the rest of the family to force you into something you really cannot do. ''The family expects'' - probably only because you''ve never told them that you won''t and can''t! Put your foot down. This is definitely the time to be assertive. She might not want to go to an old-age home BUT if she needs so much help then it''s definitely time!

And if other people believe her lies, they''re not the kind of people who''s opinions should matter to you anyway! Sometimes you have to develop a thick skin when dealing with family. I know that I had to! My mom does exactly the same thing - lying to get her own way BUT I just simply don''t allow it to bother me anymore. (CBT style therapy is great to teach you how to do it) It also doesn''t help to confront people about their lies. They''ll just lie further and cause more problems. When my mom tells a lie, I either just smile and say ''uhuh'' - or if it''s a big whopper I give a disbelieving giggle-snort BUT I don''t say anything. If she notices and asks why the giggle, I just shake my head, tell her it''s nothing and then change the subject. She''s gotten this condescending response from me so often that she''s drastically reduced the number of lies she tells me. She still tries her luck with the little lies, but I haven''t heard a whopper in months!

Good Luck

Reply to Liza

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